JJ (and Vicotnik) invite you in 4 laughs-PG13-G

Smart little Lucy

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a liberal
Democrat.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they were liberal
Democrats
too.
Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat was but wanting to be like
their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy has not gone along
with
the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I'm not a liberal Democrat."
"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"
"Why, I'm a proud conservative Republican," boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red.
She asks Lucy why she is a conservative Republican.
"Well, I was brought up to trust in myself instead of relying on an
intrusive government to care for me and do all of my thinking.
My Dad and Mom are conservative Republicans, and I am a
conservative Republican too."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly.
"What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would
you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Lucy, "I'd be a liberal Democrat."



------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

Heres one

St. Peter was walking around heaven one day when he came upon
a doorway he had never noticed before, so he opened the door
and walked in. He found a room with millions and millions of
clocks and they were all at different times. He called the
master clock keeper in and asked what was this all about.
The clock keeper said "OH, we forgot to tell you " everyone
on earth has their own clock and whenever they tell a lie the
hands move back and hour and they lose an hour of their life.
St. Peter said "Cool! I like that" He thought for awhile and
grinned and asked "do we have a clock in here for
George W. Bush?" (Our current president isn't honest after all,
and has no brains, either)The clock keeper said "No, we took
that down and we're using it for a
ceiling fan in the other room!"


------------------

http://www.angelfire.com/rpg/evermeet

Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding.

One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years
old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"

The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."

"What do you call it?"

"We call it a football wedding."

The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"

The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"


------------------

http://www.angelfire.com/rpg/evermeet

And another

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital. The doctor
looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult
delivery. He offered to let the couple try an experimental
procedure. The woman would be connected to a machine that
would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby,
thus reducing her own. The man quickly agreed. The doctor
warned him, though, that there was a slight bug in the machine
that caused it to amplify the pain sent to the father by ten
times, and if the pain became too much for to
bear would he please let the doctor know.
The doctor turned on the machine and watched the man. The man
said he felt absolutely fine and he could take more. The
doctor turned the dial up to 40, 60, 80, and finally 100% of
the pain, times ten. The woman delivered the baby painlessly
and the doctor stared at the man, astonished at how he could
not even flinch with that much pain brought upon him.
The couple took the new baby home.
There, on the front step, the mailman lay dead.


------------------

http://www.angelfire.com/rpg/evermeet

One day a priest was walking down the street.

He saw a little boy on the front porch of a house trying to reach the
doorbell.

The boy was standing on his tip toes and jumping up and down, but he
still couldn't reach the bell.

The priest walked over to him and asked, "Do you need some help?"

The young boy said yes so the priest rang the doorbell.

Then the priest said, "What now?"

The little boy shouted, "Run!"




------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

A doctor, an engineer and a lawyer are out golfing. They
are trying to decide which profession came first:


The doctor says, "My profession came first because when God
removed Adam's rib he performed surgery."
The engineer then says, "No, no, no. When the earth was dark
and void God
created light. That was engineering."
The lawyer says, "You're both wrong."
The doctor and engineer reply, "Oh yeah? What makes you think
yours came first?"
The lawyer replies, "Where do you think the darkness came
from?"


------------------

http://www.angelfire.com/rpg/evermeet

What the Engineer says (What it really means)

A number of different approaches are being tried. (We are still grasping
at straws.)

We're working on a fresh approach to the problem. (We just hired three
kids fresh out of college.)

Close project coordination. (We know who to blame.)

Major technological break through. (It works OK, but looks very
hi-tech.)

Customer satisfaction upon delivery is assured. (We are so far behind
schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.)

Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive. (The darn thing blew up
when we threw the switch.)

Test results were extremely gratifying. (We are so surprised that the
stupid thing works.)

The entire concept will have to be abandoned. (The only person who
understood the thing quit.)

It is in process. (It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is
about hopeless.)

We'll look into it. (Forget it! We have enough problems for now.)

Please read and initial. (Let's spread the responsibility for the
mistake.)

Give us the benefit of your thoughts. (We'll listen to what you have to
say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.)

Give us your interpretation. (I can't wait to hear this!)

See me, or Let's Discuss. (Come into my office, I'm lonely.)

All new! (Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.)

Rugged (Too heavy to lift!)

Lightweight (Lighter than rugged.)

Years of development (One finally worked.)

Energy saving (Achieved when the power switch is off.)

Low maintenance (Impossible to fix if broken.)




------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

George W. Bush and his wife Laura were at a baseball
game(our current prez just loves baseball!) when the man
sitting behind George whispers something into George's
ear, George then stands up and throws Laura on the baseball
field. The man that was sitting
behind "Dubya" said, "No, NO, I said throw the first pitch

------------------

http://www.angelfire.com/rpg/evermeet

Socialism:
You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

Communism:
You have two cows. The government takes them both and
provides you with milk.

Fascism:
You have two cows. The government takes them and
sells you the milk.

Bureaucracy:
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one,
milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours it down the
drain.

Capitalism:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

Corporate:
You have two cows. You sell one, force the other to
produce the milk of four cows and then act surprised
when it drops dead.

Democracy:
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the
point that you must sell them both in order to support
a man in a foreign country who has only one cow which
was a gift from your government.



------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

. It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you
add one minute to your life. This enables you, at age 85, to
spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per
month.

2. My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60.
She is now 97 and we don't know where the hell she is.

3. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could
hear heavy breathing again.

4. I joined a health club last year, spent about $400. Haven't
lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

5. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain
figures out what I am doing.

6. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he
would have put them further up our body.

7. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people
who annoy me.

8. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

9. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die
healthier.

10. If you are going to try cross country skiing, start with a
small country.

11. And last, but not least, I don't jog - it makes the ice jump
right out of my glass.



------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To