JJ (and Vicotnik) invite you in 4 laughs-PG13-G

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Funny Thoughts
"Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right."
- Isaac Asimov
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QUICK WIT:

A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo
Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days."

She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your
willpower

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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

>
> The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is
> at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are
> closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.
>
> St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see
> you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is
> filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination
> for everyone. The tests are short, but you have to pass them before you
> can get into Heaven"
>
> Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here St. Peter, sir. But nobody
> ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard;
> life was a big enough test as it was."
>
> St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three
> questions. Here is the first one: What days of the week begin with the
> letter T? Second: How many seconds are there in a year? Third: What is
> God's first name?"
>
> Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and
> sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a
> chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
> Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- how many days in the week begin
> with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and
> Tomorrow."
>
> The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I
> was thinking, but ..... you do have a point, and I guess I didn't
> specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer." How about the next
> one?" asks St. Peter.
>
> "How many seconds in a year?"
> "Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that
> and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
>
> Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in
> Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
> Forest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd,
> March 2nd. . . .
> "Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with
> this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind,
> but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the
> next and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?
>
> "Sure" Forrest replied, "its Andy."
> "Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can
> understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions,
> but just how in the world did you come up with the name of Andy as the
> first name of God?"
>
> "Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I
> learned it
> from the song. . . . "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY
> TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. .
>
> St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run."
>
>
>



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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

A young man had just graduated from Harvard and was so
excited just thinking about his future. He gets into a
taxi and the driver says, "How are you on this lovely day?"

"I'm the Class of 2000 just graduated from Harvard and I
just can't wait to go out there and see what the world
has in store for me."

The driver looks back to shake the young man's hand and says,
"Congratulations, I'm Mitch Class of 1949."

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Funny Thoughts
"Corporation: an ingenious device for obtaining individual profit
without individual responsibility." - Ambrose Bierce
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If a cow laughs real hard, does milk come out her nose?



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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

A football coach walked into the locker room before a game,
looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to
let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there.
So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you
get it right, you can play."

The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes
intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me
the answer to this. What is two plus two?"

The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?"

"Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it
right.

At that, all the other players on the team began screaming,
"Come on coach, give him another chance!"



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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."
- Woody Allen
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
zigzag?



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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

At his wedding reception, the young groom's grandad congratulated his
grandson and said: "The secret to enjoying a long and happy marriage, is
to listen to each other at all times, respect each other's wishes and to
try and have sex in moderation. That way, your marriage will last as
long as your grandma's and mine has."
Thanking him for his advice, the grandson said: "What's sex like then
when you get older, granddad?"

His granddad looked at his grandson, smiled and said: "Just like trying
to play pool with a piece of rope!"



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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

A LETTER TO THE IRS:

April 23, 2001

Internal Revenue Service
State Processing Center
Holtsville, NY 01150-0115

Dear Taxmen/women:

Enclosed is my 2001 tax return & payment. Please take note of
the attached article from the February 8, 2001 USA Today
newspaper which serves as my Year 2000 Tax guide.

In the article, you will see that the Pentagon pays $171.50
for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six
hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to
$3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it
to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return.
Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a 1.5
inch screw. (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 each
1.5 inch Phillips head screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I
look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,
J. Smith



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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

What happens when you take a Packard Bell, Windows 95, a
grenade and put them together?

A typical upgrade



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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

I know you have read or heard this wisdom before, but I have not seen
anyone
explain it as well as the all mighty wise Cliff Clavin, on the sitcom
Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo
Theory to his buddy Norm. And here's how it went: "Well ya see Norm,
it's
like this...A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest
buffalo.
And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the
back
that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the
general
speed and health
of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest
members."

"In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills
brain cells,
but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In
this
way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells,

making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you
always
feel smarter after a few beers.




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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

One day an old lady's dog passed out on her floor. She was
used to her dog playing dead, so she thought nothing of it,
but three days passed and still the dog didn't move, so she
became worried. She took the dog to her local veterinarian.

The vet set the dog on an observation table and began
examining the dog. A couple minutes later, the vet left the
room. Then he returned with a cage and inside the cage was a
cat. He set the cage next to the dog and let the cat out.
The cat walked around the dog three times, meowed at the vet, then went back into his cage.
The vet turned to the old lady and said, "I'm afraid he's dead." The old lady insisted that he could not be dead, and to do everything he could.
The vet went into the back and returned with a labrador retriever, who put his front legs up on the table, sniffed the old lady's dog, and barked at the vet before returning to the back room with him.
A few minutes later the vet came to the old lady and said
"I'm sorry, but you're dog is dead. That'll be 550 dollars."

"550 dollars! For what?!" Shouted the old lady.

"Well, 50 dollars for the examination, and 200 dollars for
the cat scan, and 300 dollars for the lab test.



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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To