JJ (and Vicotnik) invite you in 4 laughs-PG13-G

A Fairy Tale for the Assertive Woman

> > > >> >Once upon a time
> > > >> >in a land far away,
> > > >> >A beautiful, independent,
> > > >> >self assured princess,
> > > >> >happened upon a frog as she sat
> > > >> >contemplating ecological issues
> > > >> >on the shores of an unpolluted pond
> > > >> >in a verdant meadow near her castle.
> > > >> >The frog hopped into the Princess' lap
> > > >> >and said: Elegant Lady,
> > > >> >I was once a handsome Prince,
> > > >> >until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
> > > >> >One kiss from you, however,
> > > >> >and I will turn back
> > > >> >into the dapper, young Prince that I am
> > > >> >and then, my sweet, we can marry
> > > >> >and setup housekeeping in yon castle
> > > >> >with my Mother,
> > > >> >where you can prepare my meals,
> > > >> >clean my clothes, bear my children,
> > > >> >and forever feel grateful and happy
> > > >> >doing so.

> > > >> >That night,
> > > >> >while dining on lightly sauteed frog legs
> > > >> >seasoned in a white wine
> > > >> >and onion cream sauce,
> > > >> >she chuckled to herself and thought:
> > > >> >I don't ■■■■■■■ think so!



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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

Hillbilly Vocabulary
Benign.....................What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria...................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium.....................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section...........A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan....................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize..................Made eye contact with her.
Colic......................A sheep dog.
Coma.......................A punctuation mark.
D&C........................Where Washington is.
Dilate.....................To live long.
Enema......................Not a friend.
Fester.....................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula.....................A small lie.
G.I.Series.................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail...................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent...................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain.................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff..............A Doctor's cane.
Morbid.....................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates...................Cheaper than day rates.
Node.......................I knew it.
Outpatient.................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear..................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis.....................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative.............A letter carrier.
Recovery Room..............Place to do upholstery.
Rectum.....................Damn near killed him.
Secretion..................Hiding something
Seizure....................Roman emperor.
Tablet.....................A small table.
Terminal Illness...........Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor......................More than one.
Urine......................Opposite of mine.
Varicose...................Near by/close by


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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
> A: Run....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.



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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

The Perfect Employee?

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:

That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the
report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd
numbered lines.

-------------------------------------------------------------
Funny Thoughts
"The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him."
- Robert Benchley
-------------------------------------------------------------

QUICK WIT:

Teacher: "Well, at least there's one thing I can say about
your son."

Father: "What's that?"

Teacher: "With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating."




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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

"Dear Abby"

My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but he has cheated
our entire marriage. He is a good provider and has many friends and
supporters. They know he is a lying cheat, but they just avoid the issues.
He is a hard worker, but many of his coworkers are leery of him. Every time

he gets caught he first denies it all, then he admits that he was wrong and

begs me to forgive him. This has been going on for so long, everyone in town

knows he is a cheat. I don't know what to do.


Signed:
Frustrated


Dear Frustrated:

Why don't you move to New York and run for the Senate.




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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

A Mets fan, a Yankees fan, and Pamela Anderson are sitting together on a
train. when the train enters a tunnel and the car goes completely dark.
There's a kissing noise, and then the sound of a really loud slap. When the
train comes out of the tunnel, Pamela Anderson and & the Mets fan are sitting
as if nothing happened, and the Yankees fan is holding his slapped face.

The Yankee fan is thinking, "That Met fan must have kissed Pamela and she
swung at him and missed, slapping me instead."

Pamela is thinking, "That Yankee fan must have tried to kiss me, accidentally
kissed the Met fan, and got slapped for it."

And the Met fan is thinking, "This is great. The next time the train goes
through a tunnel, I'll make another kissing noise and slap that ■■■■■■■
Yankee fan again."



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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

----- > It's GREAT to be a guy because............
> >
> > Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
> > Your orgasms are real. Always.
>Your last name stays put.
>The garage is all yours.
> > Wedding plans take care of themselves.
> > Chocolate is just another snack.
> > Foreplay is optional.
> > You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
> > Car mechanics tell you the truth.
> > You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
> > The world is your urinal.
> > Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
> > You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
> > Wrinkles add character.
> > You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
> > Wedding dress $2000; tux rental $100.
> > If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
> > People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
> > The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
> > New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
> > Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
> > Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
> > Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
> > One mood, ALL the damn time.
> > Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
> > You know stuff about tanks.
> > A ten-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
> > You can open all your own jars.
> > Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
> > You can go to a public toilet without a support group.
> > You can leave the motel bed unmade.
> > You can kill your own food, if necessary..
> > You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
> > If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
> > Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
> > If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
> > Everything on your face stays its original color.
> > Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
> > You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.
> > You can quietly watch a game with your buddy without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."
> > No maxi-pads.
> > You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
> > If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
> > You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
> > You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
> > You almost never have strap problems in public.
> > You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
> > The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
> > You don't have to shave below your neck.
> > Your belly usually hides your big hips.
> > One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
> > You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
> > Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24,in 45 minutes.


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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

> A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the teller
> window "I want to open a damn checking account."
>
> The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have
> misunderstood you. What did you say?"
>
> "Listen up, damnit. I said I want to open a damn checking account
now!"
>
> "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in
this
> bank." The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager
to
> inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does
not
> have to listen to that foul language. They both return to the window
and
the
> manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
>
> "There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks
in
> the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this
damn
> bank."
>
> "I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
>


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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

A young man, wanted to get his beautiful wife something nice
for their first wedding anniversary. So, he decides to buy
her a cell phone. She is all excited and she loves her phone.
He shows her and explains to her all the features on the
phone.

The next day the wife goes to get her hair done. Her phone
rings and it's her husband. "Hi hon," he says, "How do you
like your new phone?"

"I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a
bell. But there's one thing I don't understand. How did you
know I was at the beauty parlor?"

-------------------------------------------------------------
Funny Thoughts
"A man's friend likes him but leaves him as he is; his wife loves him
and is always trying to turn him into somebody else." - GK Chesterton
-------------------------------------------------------------

QUICK WIT:

A husband and his wife were sound asleep when suddenly the
phone rang.

The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? How the
heck do I know? What do I look like, a weatherman?" He then
slammed the phone down and settled into bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"I don't know. It was some guy who wanted to know if the
coast was clear."



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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are
hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very
easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth"
even when you don't know anything.

The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted
by his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole
truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just
don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from
work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The
father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a
word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day,
when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets
him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops
the mail, opens his arms and says, "Then come give your
FATHER a big hug."



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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To