Someone Stop Me While There Is Still Time... - Page 2

skywalker · 10-10-2001, 01:59 PM

What did you say? You want more?

Crunchy Frog

The cast:

INSPECTOR PRALINE
John Cleese
SUPERINTENDENT PARROT
Graham Chapman
MR. MILTON
Terry Jones
BBC ANNOUNCER
John Cleese

The sketch:

(Cut to Inspector Praline.)
Praline: Hello again. I am at present still on film, but in a few seconds I shall be appearing in the studio. Thank you.

(Cut to studio. A door opens. Inspector Praline looks round door. )

Inspector Praline: (to camera) Hello. (he walks in followed by Superintendent Parrot and goes to desk) Mr Milton? You are sole proprietor and owner of the Whizzo Chocolate Company?

Milton: I am.

Praline: Superintendent Parrot and I are from the hygiene squad. We want to have a word with you about your box of chocolates entified The Whizzo Quality Assortment.

Milton: Ah, yes.

Praline: (producing box of chocolates) If I may begin at the beginning. First there is the cherry fondue. This is extremely nasty, but we can't prosecute you for that.

Milton: Agreed.

Praline: Next we have number four, 'crunchy frog'.

Milton: Ah, yes.

Praline: Am I right in thinking there's a real frog in here?

Milton: Yes. A little one.

Praline: What sort of frog?

Milton: A dead frog.

Praline: Is it cooked?

Milton: No.

Praline: What, a raw frog?

(Superintendent Parrot looks increasingly queasy.)

Milton: We use only the finest baby frogs, dew picked and flown from Iraq, cleansed in finest quality spring water, lightly killed, and then sealed in a succulent Swiss quintuple smooth treble cream milk chocolate envelope and lovingly frosted with glucose.

Praline: That's as maybe, it's still a frog.

Milton: What else?

Praline: Well don't you even take the bones out?

Milton: If we took the bones out it wouldn't be crunchy would it?

Praline: Superintendent Parrot ate one of those.

Parrot: Excuse me a moment. (exits hurriedly)

Milton: It says 'crunchy frog' quite clearly.

Praline: Well, the superintendent thought it was an almond whirl. People won't expect there to be a frog in there. They're bound to think it's some form of mock frog.

Milton: (insulted) Mock frog? We use no artificial preservatives or additives of any kind!

Praline: Nevertheless, I must warn you that in future you should delete the words 'crunchy frog', and replace them with the legend 'crunchy raw unboned real dead frog', if you want to avoid prosecution.

Milton: What about our sales?

Praline: I'm not interested in your sales, I have to protect the general public. Now how about this one. (superintendent enters) It was number five, wasn't it? (superintendent nods) Number five, ram's bladder cup. (exit superintendent) What kind of confection is this?

Milton: We use choicest juicy chunks of fresh Cornish ram's bladder, emptied, steamed, flavoured with sesame seeds whipped into a fondue and garnished with lark's vomit.

Praline: Lark's vomit?

Milton: Correct.

Praline: Well it don't say nothing about that here.

Milton: Oh yes it does, on the bottom of the box, after monosodium glutawate.

Praline: (looking) Well I hardly think this is good enough. I think it would be more appropriate if the box bore a large red label warning lark's vomit.

Milton: Our sales would plummet.

Praline: Well why don't you move into more conventional areas of confectionery, like praline or lime cream; a very popular flavour I'm led to understand. (superintendent enters) I mean look at this one, 'cockroach cluster', (superintendent exits) 'anthrax ripple'. What's this one, 'spring surprise'?

Milton: Ah - now, that's our speciality - covered with darkest creamy chocolate. When you pop it in your mouth steel bolts spring out and plunge straight through-both cheeks.

Praline: Well where's the pleasure in that?

If people place a nice chocky in their mouth, they don't want their cheeks pierced. In any case this is an inadequate description of the sweetmeat. I shall have to ask you to accompany me to the station.

Milton: (getting up from desk and being led away) It's a fair cop.

Praline: Stop talking to the camera.

Milton: I'm sorry.

(Superintendent Parrot enters the room as Inspector Praline and Milton leave, and addresses the camera.)

Parrot: If only the general public would take more care when buying its sweeties, it would reduce the number of man-hours lost to the nation and they would spend less time having their stomachs pumped and sitting around in public lavatories.

Mark

Newest and Humbly Prideful (?) Member of the Illuminati

Sazerac · 10-10-2001, 02:01 PM

Now THAT'S more like it!!!

Bravo, Mark!! Bravissimo!!

------------------

skywalker · 10-10-2001, 02:10 PM

I got a million of them! Let me know when you've had enough!

Nudge, Nudge

The cast:

MAN
Eric Idle
SQUIRE
Terry Jones

The sketch:

Man: 'Evening, squire!
Squire: (stiffly) Good evening.

Man: Is, uh,...Is your wife a goer, eh? Know whatahmean, know whatahmean, nudge nudge, know whatahmean, say no more?

Squire: I, uh, I beg your pardon?

Man: Your, uh, your wife, does she go, eh, does she go, eh?

Squire: (flustered) Well, she sometimes "goes", yes.

Man: Aaaaaaaah bet she does, I bet she does, say no more, say no more, knowwhatahmean, nudge nudge?

Squire: (confused) I'm afraid I don't quite follow you.

Man: Follow me. Follow me. That's good, that's good! A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat!

Squire: Are you, uh,...are you selling something?

Man: SELLING! Very good, very good! Ay? Ay? Ay? (pause) Oooh! Ya wicked Ay! Wicked Ay! Oooh hooh! Say No MORE!

Squire: Well, I, uh....

Man: Is, your uh, is your wife a sport, ay?

Squire: Um, she likes sport, yes!

Man: I bet she does, I bet she does!

Squire: As a matter of fact she's very fond of cricket.

Man: 'Oo isn't? Likes games, eh? Knew she would. Likes games, eh? She's been around a bit, been around?

Squire: She has traveled, yes. She's from Scarsdale. (pause)

Man: SAY NO MORE!!

Man: Scarsdale, saynomore, saynomore, saynomore, squire!

Squire: I wasn't going to!

Man: Oh! Well, never mind. Dib dib? Is your uh, is your wife interested in....photography, ay? "Photographs, ay", he asked him knowlingly?

Squire: Photography?

Man: Snap snap, grin grin, wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more?

Squire: Holiday snaps, eh?

Man: They could be, they could be taken on holiday. Candid, you know, CANDID photography?

Squire: No, no I'm afraid we don't have a camera.

Man: Oh. (leeringly) Still, mooooooh, ay? Mwoohohohohoo, ay? Hohohohohoho, ay?

Squire: Look... are you insinuating something?

Man: Oh, no, no, no...yes.

Squire: Well?

Man: Well, you're a man of the world, squire.

Squire: Yes...

Man: I mean, you've been around a bit, you know, like, you've, uh.... You've "done it"....

Squire: What do you mean?

Man: Well, I mean like,....you've SLEPT, with a lady....

Squire: Yes....

Man: What's it like?

Mark

Newest and Humbly Prideful (?) Member of the Illuminati

Neb · 10-10-2001, 02:23 PM

How about the "How to defend yourselves against a man armed with fresh fruit" sketch?

Or the "How not to be seen" one?

DragonMage · 10-10-2001, 02:27 PM

And isn't the 'fish slapping' a Monty Python skit also? If so - post that one, too!

I'm an addict - I'll never get enough!

Sazerac · 10-10-2001, 02:37 PM

Quote:

Man: Follow me. Follow me. That's good, that's good! A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat!

Just as an interesting gaming point, this line (along with others from the same skit) was used in Might and Magic 6 for the Rogue leader of the "Protection Services" in the town of Silver Cove. I about fell off of my chair when he said that. M&M 6 is rife with little jewels of one-liners from MP, Star Trek, and other classic "cult" series.

Mark, do you have the one about the Joke that's so funny that it kills everyone who hears it? That was one of my favorites.

Or the one about "My hovercraft is full of eels"...the one where the foreign language dictionary is all messed up. Too funny!

------------------

Neb · 10-10-2001, 02:40 PM

Oooooh! I'd almost completely forgotten about the "phrasebook/dictionary" one! That one was extremely funny! "Drop your pants Sir Arthur I cannot wait for lunchtime!" "I will not buy this tobacconist it is scratched." regarding M&M6, did you know that at some point in the game where you have to learn a bunch of passwords, they're actually all names of the crew from the original Star Trek series spelled backwards?

------------------
Worshipper of Tiax.
Wielder of the ancient Lawyer spells.
Member of the HADB clan.

Ally of the Fluffy Queen and the Dreaded Red Fluffy
General of the highest class and Leader of the Legal Department in the IW Peacekeeping Force.
ORT member, Official Demander of Stuff.

Sorcerer of Lady Lioness' Court.

"If Silence is golden, why does everyone talk so much?"

Sazerac · 10-10-2001, 02:47 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Neb:
Oooooh! I'd almost completely forgotten about the "phrasebook/dictionary" one! That one was extremely funny! "Drop your pants Sir Arthur I cannot wait for lunchtime!" "I will not buy this tobacconist it is scratched." regarding M&M6, did you know that at some point in the game where you have to learn a bunch of passwords, they're actually all names of the crew from the original Star Trek series spelled backwards?

Ah, yes, that was in the Temple of VARN. The NWC team do love their Star Trek! (I just wish they'd quit putting it in the combat of their games...one gets tired of just using blasters at the end.)

One other I liked in MP was the "Beethoven skit"...something about how when Beethoven finally went deaf, he really wasn't all that disappointed because he no longer had to hear his wife's grousing or the bird's squawking distracting him anymore from his work. Oh, it's been so long since I've seen a lot of those, but they were hilarious!

------------------

Neb · 10-10-2001, 02:50 PM

Yes, the blasters did ruin things a bit, but you must admit, blending high-tech spacetravellers and medieval fantasy mages, thieves, warriors and clerics is pretty damn original, ever tried playing M&M4/5? They're some of the best ever made, they had a whole dungeon filled with nothign except puzzles, crossword puzzles, you had to fill a level before you were allowed to proceed to the next one and your characters had to learn mountaineering and swimming to cross mountains and shallow water, sorry for getting off topic btw.

Sazerac · 10-10-2001, 03:00 PM

Dear Neb,

So we don't get too far off topic from Mark's excellent MP thread, answer me in this thread:

http://www.ironworksforum.com/ubb/No...ML/004029.html

Thanks!

Mark, back to more Monty Python! Thanks, guy!

------------------

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10-10-2001, 01:59 PM	#11
skywalker Banned User Join Date: March 1, 2001 Location: VT, USA Age: 63 Posts: 3,097	What did you say? You want more? Crunchy Frog The cast: INSPECTOR PRALINE John Cleese SUPERINTENDENT PARROT Graham Chapman MR. MILTON Terry Jones BBC ANNOUNCER John Cleese The sketch: (Cut to Inspector Praline.) Praline: Hello again. I am at present still on film, but in a few seconds I shall be appearing in the studio. Thank you. (Cut to studio. A door opens. Inspector Praline looks round door. ) Inspector Praline: (to camera) Hello. (he walks in followed by Superintendent Parrot and goes to desk) Mr Milton? You are sole proprietor and owner of the Whizzo Chocolate Company? Milton: I am. Praline: Superintendent Parrot and I are from the hygiene squad. We want to have a word with you about your box of chocolates entified The Whizzo Quality Assortment. Milton: Ah, yes. Praline: (producing box of chocolates) If I may begin at the beginning. First there is the cherry fondue. This is extremely nasty, but we can't prosecute you for that. Milton: Agreed. Praline: Next we have number four, 'crunchy frog'. Milton: Ah, yes. Praline: Am I right in thinking there's a real frog in here? Milton: Yes. A little one. Praline: What sort of frog? Milton: A dead frog. Praline: Is it cooked? Milton: No. Praline: What, a raw frog? (Superintendent Parrot looks increasingly queasy.) Milton: We use only the finest baby frogs, dew picked and flown from Iraq, cleansed in finest quality spring water, lightly killed, and then sealed in a succulent Swiss quintuple smooth treble cream milk chocolate envelope and lovingly frosted with glucose. Praline: That's as maybe, it's still a frog. Milton: What else? Praline: Well don't you even take the bones out? Milton: If we took the bones out it wouldn't be crunchy would it? Praline: Superintendent Parrot ate one of those. Parrot: Excuse me a moment. (exits hurriedly) Milton: It says 'crunchy frog' quite clearly. Praline: Well, the superintendent thought it was an almond whirl. People won't expect there to be a frog in there. They're bound to think it's some form of mock frog. Milton: (insulted) Mock frog? We use no artificial preservatives or additives of any kind! Praline: Nevertheless, I must warn you that in future you should delete the words 'crunchy frog', and replace them with the legend 'crunchy raw unboned real dead frog', if you want to avoid prosecution. Milton: What about our sales? Praline: I'm not interested in your sales, I have to protect the general public. Now how about this one. (superintendent enters) It was number five, wasn't it? (superintendent nods) Number five, ram's bladder cup. (exit superintendent) What kind of confection is this? Milton: We use choicest juicy chunks of fresh Cornish ram's bladder, emptied, steamed, flavoured with sesame seeds whipped into a fondue and garnished with lark's vomit. Praline: Lark's vomit? Milton: Correct. Praline: Well it don't say nothing about that here. Milton: Oh yes it does, on the bottom of the box, after monosodium glutawate. Praline: (looking) Well I hardly think this is good enough. I think it would be more appropriate if the box bore a large red label warning lark's vomit. Milton: Our sales would plummet. Praline: Well why don't you move into more conventional areas of confectionery, like praline or lime cream; a very popular flavour I'm led to understand. (superintendent enters) I mean look at this one, 'cockroach cluster', (superintendent exits) 'anthrax ripple'. What's this one, 'spring surprise'? Milton: Ah - now, that's our speciality - covered with darkest creamy chocolate. When you pop it in your mouth steel bolts spring out and plunge straight through-both cheeks. Praline: Well where's the pleasure in that? If people place a nice chocky in their mouth, they don't want their cheeks pierced. In any case this is an inadequate description of the sweetmeat. I shall have to ask you to accompany me to the station. Milton: (getting up from desk and being led away) It's a fair cop. Praline: Stop talking to the camera. Milton: I'm sorry. (Superintendent Parrot enters the room as Inspector Praline and Milton leave, and addresses the camera.) Parrot: If only the general public would take more care when buying its sweeties, it would reduce the number of man-hours lost to the nation and they would spend less time having their stomachs pumped and sitting around in public lavatories. Mark Newest and Humbly Prideful (?) Member of the Illuminati

10-10-2001, 02:01 PM	#12
Sazerac Ironworks Moderator Join Date: January 7, 2001 Location: Monroe, LA Age: 60 Posts: 7,387	Now THAT'S more like it!!! Bravo, Mark!! Bravissimo!! ------------------

10-10-2001, 02:10 PM	#13
skywalker Banned User Join Date: March 1, 2001 Location: VT, USA Age: 63 Posts: 3,097	I got a million of them! Let me know when you've had enough! Nudge, Nudge The cast: MAN Eric Idle SQUIRE Terry Jones The sketch: Man: 'Evening, squire! Squire: (stiffly) Good evening. Man: Is, uh,...Is your wife a goer, eh? Know whatahmean, know whatahmean, nudge nudge, know whatahmean, say no more? Squire: I, uh, I beg your pardon? Man: Your, uh, your wife, does she go, eh, does she go, eh? Squire: (flustered) Well, she sometimes "goes", yes. Man: Aaaaaaaah bet she does, I bet she does, say no more, say no more, knowwhatahmean, nudge nudge? Squire: (confused) I'm afraid I don't quite follow you. Man: Follow me. Follow me. That's good, that's good! A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat! Squire: Are you, uh,...are you selling something? Man: SELLING! Very good, very good! Ay? Ay? Ay? (pause) Oooh! Ya wicked Ay! Wicked Ay! Oooh hooh! Say No MORE! Squire: Well, I, uh.... Man: Is, your uh, is your wife a sport, ay? Squire: Um, she likes sport, yes! Man: I bet she does, I bet she does! Squire: As a matter of fact she's very fond of cricket. Man: 'Oo isn't? Likes games, eh? Knew she would. Likes games, eh? She's been around a bit, been around? Squire: She has traveled, yes. She's from Scarsdale. (pause) Man: SAY NO MORE!! Man: Scarsdale, saynomore, saynomore, saynomore, squire! Squire: I wasn't going to! Man: Oh! Well, never mind. Dib dib? Is your uh, is your wife interested in....photography, ay? "Photographs, ay", he asked him knowlingly? Squire: Photography? Man: Snap snap, grin grin, wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more? Squire: Holiday snaps, eh? Man: They could be, they could be taken on holiday. Candid, you know, CANDID photography? Squire: No, no I'm afraid we don't have a camera. Man: Oh. (leeringly) Still, mooooooh, ay? Mwoohohohohoo, ay? Hohohohohoho, ay? Squire: Look... are you insinuating something? Man: Oh, no, no, no...yes. Squire: Well? Man: Well, you're a man of the world, squire. Squire: Yes... Man: I mean, you've been around a bit, you know, like, you've, uh.... You've "done it".... Squire: What do you mean? Man: Well, I mean like,....you've SLEPT, with a lady.... Squire: Yes.... Man: What's it like? Mark Newest and Humbly Prideful (?) Member of the Illuminati

10-10-2001, 02:23 PM	#14
Neb Account deleted by Request Join Date: May 17, 2001 Location: . Age: 38 Posts: 8,802	How about the "How to defend yourselves against a man armed with fresh fruit" sketch? Or the "How not to be seen" one?

10-10-2001, 02:27 PM	#15
DragonMage 20th Level Warrior Join Date: September 6, 2001 Location: The lighter side of life, a.k.a. Newnan, Georgia Age: 55 Posts: 2,767	And isn't the 'fish slapping' a Monty Python skit also? If so - post that one, too! I'm an addict - I'll never get enough!

10-10-2001, 02:40 PM	#17
Neb Account deleted by Request Join Date: May 17, 2001 Location: . Age: 38 Posts: 8,802	Oooooh! I'd almost completely forgotten about the "phrasebook/dictionary" one! That one was extremely funny! "Drop your pants Sir Arthur I cannot wait for lunchtime!" "I will not buy this tobacconist it is scratched." regarding M&M6, did you know that at some point in the game where you have to learn a bunch of passwords, they're actually all names of the crew from the original Star Trek series spelled backwards? ------------------ Worshipper of Tiax. Wielder of the ancient Lawyer spells. Member of the HADB clan. Ally of the Fluffy Queen and the Dreaded Red Fluffy General of the highest class and Leader of the Legal Department in the IW Peacekeeping Force. ORT member, Official Demander of Stuff. Sorcerer of Lady Lioness' Court. "If Silence is golden, why does everyone talk so much?"

10-10-2001, 02:50 PM	#19
Neb Account deleted by Request Join Date: May 17, 2001 Location: . Age: 38 Posts: 8,802	Yes, the blasters did ruin things a bit, but you must admit, blending high-tech spacetravellers and medieval fantasy mages, thieves, warriors and clerics is pretty damn original, ever tried playing M&M4/5? They're some of the best ever made, they had a whole dungeon filled with nothign except puzzles, crossword puzzles, you had to fill a level before you were allowed to proceed to the next one and your characters had to learn mountaineering and swimming to cross mountains and shallow water, sorry for getting off topic btw.

10-10-2001, 03:00 PM	#20
Sazerac Ironworks Moderator Join Date: January 7, 2001 Location: Monroe, LA Age: 60 Posts: 7,387	Dear Neb, So we don't get too far off topic from Mark's excellent MP thread, answer me in this thread: http://www.ironworksforum.com/ubb/No...ML/004029.html Thanks! Mark, back to more Monty Python! Thanks, guy! ------------------

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