[Storyline] The Unwanted ~08 Aug 2004~

[Dundee Slaytern]

Author's Notes:

08 Aug 2004: I soooo need to practice more, when it comes to storytelling. I apologise in advance for the extreme usage of 3rd-Person perspective.

~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~

00FF00; font-family:Comic Sans MS; font-size:40">Chapter 1: Part 01, A Recap
---- ----

"Bessie... no... not Bessie, leave her alone. Leave her alone!"

Craven woke up with a start. He had the same nightmare again. The cold sweat, the gut-numbing feeling of despair and futility as he recalled the day he could only watch in horror when his best friend got butchered in cold blood. Blinking his eyes to drive away the dullness of stupor, he felt the coldness of his surroundings and he remembered. He had been captured by an odd individual who kept hurting him in the name of... experiments.

Shaking the bars, Craven wondered whether this would be his final resting place. He missed Candlekeep, even though he was not welcomed there. Memories of his first days there were not known to him, but he remembered how the people always seem to shun him, fearful of his tainted heritage although Craven was blissfully ignorant of it. Gorion was one of the few who cared for him warmly, but Gorion was always busy, and Craven learnt to live on his own, alone and independant.

Deprieved of human contact, he came to make friends with the many animals that made their homes at Candlekeep and the surrounding forests. Unfortunately, this only contributed to the gossip mill on his supposedly 'unhuman' nature and further drove away people away from him. Craven did not mind though, for he had his animal friends, and as time went by, he grew to learn how to communicate with them on an emotional level. One of his best animal friends was Bessie, a local cow that resided within Candlekeep.

The two of them were inseperable, and Imoen, another foster child under the care of Gorion, often teased him about it. One might even say she was jealous of all the attention he preferred to lavish on Bessie instead of her, but Craven did not know, and neither did he care. Bessie was the most important being in his life, and they would be happy together forever... or at least that was what he had hoped for.

The tragic day occured not too long ago, and Craven would always remember the vivid details. He had brought Bessie out for grazing when an armoured figure appeared before him. He would later find out that the person was Sarevok, a fearsome villian with only one agenda on his mind; to become the next Lord of Murder. To accomplish this goal, he set upon a quest to eliminate all the other Bhaalspawns like him, and Craven was one of them.

Craven had learnt some basic martial arts, but he was hopelessly outmatched by Sarevok. Just as Sarevok was about to lop off his head, Bessie came to his rescue. She head-butted Sarevok from the side and knocked him down to the ground. In the midst of the confusion, she began furiously stamping on him.

Sarevok would not be denied though, and with an angry shout, "Get off me, you fat cow!", he gripped his mighty sword and cleaved poor Bessie cleanly into two halves.

"You are going to need more than just bovine help, whelp," Sarevok said, with an evil grin under his helm.

Craven was mortified and conflicted between running away or staying behind to avenge Bessie. Before he could come to a decision though, he felt a hand on his shoulder and turned around to see Gorion.

"Go child, flee this place at once. It is no longer safe for you. Go to the Friendly Arms Inn and seek out Jaheira. Go, quickly!", was what Gorion said.

"But... but... he killed Bessie," Craven stammered.

Gorion sighed. There was little time to be wasted. Sarevok was already almost back on his feet. Thinking on the fly, he told Craven, "Dying in vain now will serve no purpose. Go seek out Jaheira and grow strong. When the time comes, you will be able to avenge her, but for now, flee."

"Grow strong," Craven muttered, "I must grow strong."

Now imbued with a sense of purpose, Craven fled the scene as quickly as his legs could carry him. He would never get to witness what Imoen, who had followed Gorion, saw. The death of Gorion by the hands of Sarevok. The adventures he would have with Imoen, Jaheira, her husband Khalid, a fellow ranger named Minsc and his consort, would all be driven by a single purpose.

To grow strong and avenge Bessie.

That was in the past. What the present holds for him now, appeared to be very bleak. They had all been captured, and Craven could not figure out a way out of his cage. Today would be different though, for today he would hear something. Something that went...

*BOOM!*

~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~

00FF00; font-family:Comic Sans MS; font-size:40">Chapter 1: Part 02, Dungeon Be Gone!
---- ----

"What the?!", Craven exclaimed to himself, as the very floor beneath him shuddered. Before he could form a coherent thought though, Imoen of all people burst through a nearby door and ran towards his cage.

"Craven! We got to get out of here!"

"Alright, let'-"

"Hurry up, you buffoon!"

"Okay, o-"

"We've precious little time!"

"IMOEN!"

"Wha- what?"

"Just... just shut up. Please."

Imoen was slightly bewildered by the sudden outburst, but Craven had no time to straighten things out with her now.

"Where's Jaheira and the others, Imoen?"

At the mention of the name, a wry voice called out to him from behind.

"Why, I do believe she stands not more than five metres away from you. Oh, and look! Minsc is right next to her. What a lovely coincidence."

Craven turned around and saw that it was true. Jaheira and Minsc were in seperate cages that stood next to each other. Unfortunately, their cages looked different from his, and he doubt they could just open it from the outside.

"Hmm, I don't suppose you can lockpick their cages, Imoen?", Craven asked.

"Well... I did find this key from the room next door," Imoen replied.

"Yay," Jaheira mockingly said as she clapped her hands, "we are free."

"Boo says you should lighten up," said Minsc to Jaheira with a slight reproachful tone.

Jaheira did not reply and snorted. Craven just rolled his eyes and went about releasing them as fast as he could.

~~~~ ~~~~

The dungeon they were in was filled with Goblins and Mephits. Nothing that they could not handle. Things got more interesting when they reached the heart of the dungeon though.

"Why... what do we have here? It be the prisoners! Caught us with our pants down they did."

"We have no quarrel with you. Leave us be and we will not disturb you," Craven replied to the grayish Dwarf.

"No. No. We can't have that I'm afraid. We have a job to do, and that means recapturing you! At them, men!"

Craven sighed as he drew his Longbow. Minsc charged in with a Two-Handed Sword while Jaheira and Imoen provide missile fire. The fight was soon over and the defiant Dwarf laid on the floor gasping for breath. Before he died, he sputtered to Craven, "Ye be lucky Zhivago has not come back yet with our new equipment!"

~~~~ ~~~~

Several Goblins and Mephits later, Craven and Co met a trio of Nymphs who helped guide them to the exit. Using a nearby portal gate, they teleported to the second level of the dungeon and met,

"Ah-ha! I meet more faces in this dank place. Yoshimo is my name, and I hope you will allow me to join you. You are trying to escape from this place too, no?"

"Well... we don't really know you that well, and I'm rather low on trust now," Craven replied.

"I know how to use a Shortbow."

"You're in."

With four archers in the party now, and one grumpy slinger, foes dropped like flies whenever they were encountered. There was a clone who could not get out a spell due to the constant barrage of missiles, the thief-mage who died before casting his first spell, and the doppelganger who got perforated the moment he dropped his disguise.

Their escape was going well, and they even managed to kill a Vampire.

"Craven, I got a bad feeling about this room," said Imoen.

"Why? Because it's dark, small, and you can hear voices inside?", Craven replied.

"I think I will just cast Cloudkill inside using this wand."

And so she did, and when they entered the room after the cloud dissipated, Imoen's fears would prove to be well founded, for there was the carcass of a vampire lying on the ground next to the bodies of three humans.

~~~~ ~~~~

Finally stepping out of the dungeon, Craven and Co saw the man responsible for their capture.

"It's HIM! It's Irenicus," Imoen screamed as she casted a Magic Missile at him.

"Imoen! Wait!", shouted Craven, but it was too late.

"Ah... Godchild," Irenicus said, as the Magic Missiles detonated on him harmlessly, "You have proven to be more resourceful than I had hope."

Irenicus made a motion to cast a spell at Craven when all of a sudden, robed figures started dimension dooring into the area.

"You will cease your spellcasting and- ARGH!" said one, his sentence cut short by Irenicus disintegrating him.

An arcane battle started as the robed men started throwing spells at Irenicus and Irenicus replied in kind, only the robed men's spells had no effect on Irenicus. Imoen meanwhile, took the opportunity to take some cheap shots at Irenicus as she continued to cast Magic Missiles at him.

"This is pointless," Irenicus said, "Your magics are vastly inferior to mine and you could never hope to best me in combat."

"Your power is immense, but our numbers are many. You will fall to us eventually... deviant," replied one of the robed men.

"Bah, I have better things to do. You may take me in, but you will take her too," said Irenicus as he pointed towards Imoen.

"What? No! You can't do that!" Imoen said.

"Oh yes we can, watch us," a robed man replied.

"Craven! Craven! Stop them! Help me, please!"

Craven stirred out of the stupor he had fallen in from waiting for the fight to finish. The rest of the party had taken cover and napped too. When they finally got up, Imoen was gone.

"Damn," Craven said.

"Coo."

"Noooo! Imoen has been taken by the bad man! Boo cries at the injustice!"

"Coo."

"Oh cease your whining, Minsc. Honestly...", Jaheira said

"Coo."

"There is no need to be hostile, my lady."

"Coo."

"Shut it, Yoshi. And where is that damn pigeon?!"

"Coo?"

Everybody turned to the source of the cooing and saw a man dressed like a rogue.

"Are you some sort of raving lunatic?", Jaheira asked.

"Coo. Why no, my lady. I am merely a man making a living."

"Not a honest one I bet."

"Coo. You hurt me, my lady. I am not here for you though, I am here to talk with Craven Rawhide."

Craven arched an eyebrow and tried to analyse the man.

"Coo. I can help you find Imoen, for a price."

"This is going to be expensive, isn't it?", Craven inquired.

"Coo. Money well spent, I assure you. Coo."

And so a deal was to be made in a Slums District, and the next step of Craven's adventure was at hand.

~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~

End Chapter 1

[ 08-09-2004, 08:55 AM: Message edited by: Dundee Slaytern ]

[Xen]

Nice. [img]smile.gif[/img] I am looking forward to read more.

[Lord]

You're not a bad storyteller, what are you talking about?

[Assassin]

You're not bad at all, Dundee. [img]tongue.gif[/img] May I give some suggestions? There aren't any real grammatical/spelling mistakes, just puncutation and 'little' things like that.

[ 08-08-2004, 08:05 PM: Message edited by: Assassin ]

[Dundee Slaytern]

Update.

Originally posted by Assassin: You're not bad at all, Dundee. [img]tongue.gif[/img] May I give some suggestions? There aren't any real grammatical/spelling mistakes, just puncutation and 'little' things like that.

I am going out on a limb here, but I am guessing you are referring to the way I handle speech? I would appreciate any concrete guidelines when it comes to punctuating speeches.

[Assassin]

Well, I'm no english teacher, but some parts just don't flow to me. -> refers to quotes from your story that I decided to use but am too lazy to use the quote tags.

-> "Bessie... no... not Bessie... leave her alone. Leave her alone!"

In here, I would suggest using ... after Bessie to build up on your previous ...s (damnit, I can't remember what they're called )

-> The tragic day occured not too long ago, and Craven will always remember the vivid details.

Tense shift = bad. Use would instead of will. Generally, always use the same tense throughout the story.

-> "You are going to need more than just bovine help, whelp," Sarevok said, with an evil grin under his helm.

I wouldn't use a comma after said, but that's just me. However, I am very bad with commas myself. Here are the guidelines for using commas (copied from http://titan.iwu.edu/~philos/courses/4.htm):

When to use a Comma: Between the items in a series of words, phrases, or clauses. We all know that we are important no matter what we drive, but we also know that the automobile still causes jealousy, anxiety, and competition. Between two independent clauses: We judge people by their economic status, and in doing so we build a scale called the "social hierarchy." On either side of a non-restrictive clause (the clause often begins with who, whose, which, when, or where): The Shield soap commercial shows the wife, whose name is Gail, as the "handyman" in the house. After an introductory phrase or dependent clause: After Imogene and Marya’s friendship begins, one constantly wonders how long it will last.

-> reproaching

Minor nitpick: Reproachful should be used here. Remember: tense should always stay the same.

-> Because it's dark, small and you can hear voices inside

comma after small; see my post above for comma details.

There are various other commas that I don't like, but am too afraid to touch because of my own bad experiences with commas. I didn't see any more tense shifts, but be wary of them. They are the devil. I didn't have much time to go over it that much in detail today, so expect me to miss quite a few.

Here's another place for grammar you might want to check out:
http://www.sandhills.cc.nc.us/englis...uidelines.html IMO, you might want to also switch some of those commas into periods.

[Assassin]

Well, I just ran it through the grammar/spellcheck with Microsoft Word. [img]redface.gif[/img] I didn't think there was that many spelling mistakes myself... (Yes, I filtered it out myself =/)

"Bessie... no... Not Bessie, leave her alone. Leave her alone!" Craven woke up with a start. He had the same nightmare again. The cold sweat, the gut-numbing feeling of despair and futility as he recalled the day he could only watch in horror when his best friend got butchered in cold blood. Blinking his eyes to drive away the dullness of stupor, he felt the coldness of his surroundings and he remembered. He had been captured by an odd individual who kept hurting him in the name of... experiments. Shaking the bars, Craven wondered whether this would be his final resting place. He missed Candlekeep, even though he was not welcomed there. Memories of his first days there were not known to him, but he remembered how the people always seem to shun him, fearful of his tainted heritage although Craven was blissfully ignorant of it. Gorion was one of the few who cared for him warmly, but Gorion was always busy, and Craven learnt to live on his own, alone and independent. Deprived of human contact, he came to make friends with the many animals that made their homes at Candlekeep and the surrounding forests. Unfortunately, this only contributed to the gossip mill on his supposedly 'inhuman' nature and further drove away people away from him. Craven did not mind though, for he had his animal friends, and as time went by, he grew to learn how to communicate with them on an emotional level. One of his best animal friends was Bessie, a local cow that resided within Candlekeep. The two of them were inseparable, and Imoen, another foster child under the care of Gorion, often teased him about it. One might even say she was jealous of all the attention he preferred to lavish on Bessie instead of her, but Craven did not know, and neither did he care. Bessie was the most important being in his life, and they would be happy together forever... or at least that was what he had hoped for. The tragic day occurred not too long ago, and Craven [would] always remember the vivid details. He had brought Bessie out for grazing when an armoured figure appeared before him. He would later find out that the person was Sarevok, a fearsome villain with only one agenda on his mind; to become the next Lord of Murder. To accomplish this goal, he set upon a quest to eliminate all the other Bhaalspawns like him and Craven was one of them. Craven had learnt some basic martial arts, but he was hopelessly outmatched by Sarevok. Just as Sarevok was about to lop off his head, Bessie came to his rescue. She head-butted Sarevok from the side and knocked him down to the ground. In the midst of the confusion, she began furiously stamping on him. Sarevok would not be denied though, and with an angry shout, "Get off me, you fat cow!” he gripped his mighty sword and cleaved poor Bessie cleanly into two halves. "You are going to need more than just bovine help, whelp," Sarevok said, with an evil grin under his helm. Craven was mortified and conflicted between running away or staying behind to avenge Bessie. Before he could come to a decision though, he felt a hand on his shoulder and turned around to see Gorion. "Go child, flee this place at once. It is no longer safe for you. Go to the Friendly Arms Inn and seek out Jaheira. Go, quickly!” was what Gorion said. "But... but... he killed Bessie," Craven stammered. Gorion sighed. There was little time to be wasted. Sarevok was already almost back on his feet. Thinking on the fly, he told Craven, "Dying in vain now will serve no purpose. Go seek out Jaheira and grow strong. When the time comes, you will be able to avenge her, but for now, flee." "Grow strong," Craven muttered, "I must grow strong." Now imbued with a sense of purpose, Craven fled the scene as quickly as his legs could carry him. He would never get to witness what Imoen, who had followed Gorion, saw the death of Gorion by the hands of Sarevok. The adventures he would have with Imoen, Jaheira, her husband Khalid, and a fellow ranger named Minsc and his consort, would all be driven by a single purpose. To grow strong and avenge Bessie. That was in the past. What the present holds for him now appeared to be very bleak. They had all been captured, and Craven could not figure out a way out of his cage. Today would be different though, for today he would hear something. Something that went... *BOOM!* ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ 1. Chapter 1: Part 02, Dungeon Be Gone! ---- ---- "What the?!” Craven exclaimed to himself, as the very floor beneath him shuddered. Before he could form a coherent thought though, Imoen of all people burst through a nearby door and ran towards his cage. "Craven! We got to get out of here!" "Alright, let'-" "Hurry up, you buffoon!" "Okay, o-" "We've precious little time!" "IMOEN!" "Wha- what?" "Just... just shut up. Please." Imoen was slightly bewildered by the sudden outburst, but Craven had no time to straighten things out with her now. "Where are Jaheira and the others, Imoen?" At the mention of the name, a wry voice called out to him from behind. "Why, I do believe she stands not more than five metres away from you. Oh, and look! Minsc is right next to her. What a lovely coincidence." Craven turned around and saw that it was true. Jaheira and Minsc were in separate cages that stood next to each other. Unfortunately, their cages looked different from his, and he doubt they could just open it from the outside. "Hmm, I don't suppose you can lock pick their cages, Imoen?” Craven asked. "Well... I did find this key from the room next door," Imoen replied. "Yay," Jaheira mockingly said as she clapped her hands, "we are free." "Boo says you should lighten up," said Minsc to Jaheira with the slight [reproachful] tone. Jaheira did not reply and snorted. Craven just rolled his eyes and went about releasing them as fast as he could. ~~~~ ~~~~ The dungeon they were in was filled with Goblins and Mephits. Nothing that they could not handle. Things got more interesting when they reached the heart of the dungeon though. "Why... what do we have here? It be the prisoners! Caught us with our pants down they did." "We have no quarrel with you. Leave us be and we will not disturb you," Craven replied to the greyish Dwarf. "No. No. We can't have that I'm afraid. We have a job to do, and that means recapturing you! At them, men!" Craven sighed as he drew his Longbow. Minsc charged in with a Two-Handed Sword while Jaheira and Imoen provide missile fire. The fight was soon over and the defiant Dwarf laid on the floor gasping for breath. Before he died, he sputtered to Craven, "Ye be lucky Zhivago has not come back yet with our new equipment!" ~~~~ ~~~~ Several Goblins and Mephits later, Craven and Co met a trio of Nymphs who helped guide them to the exit. Using a nearby portal gate, they teleported to the second level of the dungeon and met, "Ah-ha! I meet more faces in this dank place. Yoshimo is my name, and I hope you will allow me to join you. You are trying to escape from this place too, no?" "Well... we don't really know you that well, and I'm rather low on trust now," Craven replied. "I know how to use a Shortbow." "You're in." With four archers in the party now, and one grumpy slinger, foes dropped like flies whenever they were encountered. There was a clone that could not get out a spell due to the constant barrage of missiles, the thief-mage who died before casting his first spell, and the doppelganger that got perforated the moment he dropped his disguise. Their escape was going well, and they even managed to kill a Vampire. "Craven, I got a bad feeling about this room," said Imoen. "Why? Because it's dark, small[,] and you can hear voices inside?” Craven replied. "I think I will just cast Cloudkill inside using this wand." And so she did, and when they entered the room after the cloud dissipated, Imoen's fears would prove to be well founded, for there was the carcass of a vampire lying on the ground next to the bodies of three humans. ~~~~ ~~~~ Finally stepping out of the dungeon, Craven and Co saw the man responsible for their capture. "It's HIM! It's Irenicus," Imoen screamed as she casted a Magic Missile at him. "Imoen! Wait!” shouted Craven, but it was too late. "Ah... Godchild," Irenicus said, as the Magic Missiles detonated on him harmlessly, "You have proven to be more resourceful than I had hope." Irenicus made a motion to cast a spell at Craven when all of a sudden, robed figures started dimension dooring into the area. "You will cease your spellcasting and- ARGH!" said one, his sentence cut short by Irenicus disintegrating him. An arcane battle started as the robed men started throwing spells at Irenicus and Irenicus replied in kind, only the robed men's spells had no effect on Irenicus. Imoen meanwhile, took the opportunity to take some cheap shots at Irenicus as she continued to cast Magic Missiles at him. "This is pointless," Irenicus said, "Your magics are vastly inferior to mine and you could never hope to best me in combat." "Your power is immense, but our numbers are many. You will fall to us eventually... deviant," replied one of the robed men. "Bah, I have better things to do. You may take me in, but you will take her too," said Irenicus as he pointed towards Imoen. "What? No! You can't do that!" Imoen said. "Oh yes we can, watch us," a robed man replied. "Craven! Craven! Stop them! Help me, please!" Craven stirred out of the stupor he had fallen in from waiting for the fight to finish. The rest of the party had taken cover and napped too. When they finally got up, Imoen was gone. "Damn," Craven said. "Coo." "Noooo! Imoen has been taken by the bad man! Boo cries at the injustice!" "Coo." "Oh cease your whining, Minsc. Honestly...” Jaheira said "Coo." "There is no need to be hostile, my lady." "Coo." "Shut it, Yoshi. And where is that damn pigeon?!" "Coo?" Everybody turned to the source of the cooing and saw a man dressed like a rogue. "Are you some sort of raving lunatic?” Jaheira asked. "Coo. Why no, my lady. I am merely a man making a living." "Not an honest one I bet." "Coo. You hurt me, my lady. I am not here for you though; I am here to talk with Craven Rawhide." Craven arched an eyebrow and tried to analyse the man. "Coo. I can help you find Imoen, for a price." "This is going to be expensive, isn't it?” Craven inquired. "Coo. Money well spent, I assure you. Coo." And so a deal was to be made in a Slums District and the next step of Craven's adventure was at hand.

Compare it to yours. As I thought, there were a lot of extra commas, mainly concerning your quotation marks. Microsoft Word didn't change the multiple commas, though every source that I have says that it should be done. I also changed the tense shift, as it just flows badly IMO. They're in [] to show what I added.

[Dundee Slaytern]

Hmm, hate it when I unwittingly tense shift. Edits done.

[Dundee Slaytern]

Hmm... maybe I should use MS Word instead of Notepad to type out the story, but I always felt that MS Word is not good for practice. [img]graemlins/crazyeyes.gif[/img]

[ 08-09-2004, 09:09 AM: Message edited by: Dundee Slaytern ]

[Assassin]

I would say type it in notepad, but use MS Word to run through it before posting it. [img]redface.gif[/img]