A daily laugh - Part II

[Vicotnik]

After having recovered from yesterdays 'tragedies' I thought I might give this another go, since some of you seemed to like it!
So here goes:

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

---
A guy goes to hell and is met by the devil. The devil explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years, so he is to select his first punishment.

In the first room, he sees a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy is not keen on this, so he asks to see the next room.

The next room has a middle-aged guy being tortured with fire. The new guy immediately asks to see the third room.

It has a really old man chained to the wall getting a bl*w job from a gorgeous blonde. The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room.

The devil walks into the room, taps the blonde on the shoulder, and says, "Okay, stop now, you've been relieved."

more later on...

[Jerome]

Upon his death, the only honest plumber in Glasgow was sent to hell instead of heaven.
Soon after this travesty St. Peter phoned up satan on his special hotline:

"I believe you've got one of ours down there! Relinquish him to us immediatley!"

"piss off you poncy bastard, that guy's the only one who undestands central heating. Its all cool down here." replied satan

"If you dont give us him we'll sue!!!"

Satan laughed for a long time..."YOU'LL SUE!!! AND WHERE IN HELL WILL *YOU* FIND A LAWYER!"

i liked the ones you posted about the statues and the irish twins. i thought i share one of my favorites myself...

a drunk walks into a bar and picks up a dart and throws it at the dart board. by some stroke of luck he hits the bull's eye. the bartender was very impressed and tells him that the bar gives out a prize for anyone who hits the bull's eye.

the drunks slurs "... so whats my prize?"

the bartender hands him a pet turtle.
"thanks" the drunk says and leaves.

two weeks later the same drunk walks into the same bar and picks up a dart and once again hits the bull's eye.

a new bartender looks up "oh, the bar gives out a prize to anyone who hits the bull's eye"

"what do i get?" the drunk asks stumbling up to the bar.

"here" the bartender hands him a sweater.

"no" the drunk shakes his head dumbly "i want the prize they gave out two weeks ago"

the bartender shrugs "well i wasnt here two weeks ago. what did they give out?"

the drunk thinks for a moment "it was a roast beef on a hard bun"

> How to treat the Dutch (As sent to me by a Hollander.)
>
> Is a small study on how to deal with the Dutch and how to avoid becoming
> one.
> It contains tips, hints, a complete walkthrough and a few cheats.
>
> 1. Never use the word "Dutch" in front of a Hollander. It reminds him too
> much of the word "Deutsch" which is a word for Germans and other things he
> doesn't like. A Dutchman is a Hollander or a Nederlander.
>
> 2. Never ever try to speak Hollands even if you have lived in Holland for
> more than five years. Not only will it give you a splitting headache but
> also Hollanders won't understand a single word of what you are trying
> to say. Foreigners are expected to speak English or gibberish. Speaking
> gibberish they are easy prey for pickpockets since they cant make a report
> to the police.
>
> 3. Also never try to eat "drop". Drop is a kind of licorice that only
> Hollanders can eat. It can be recognized by its colour: black.
> The taste is a cross between printer ink (blue) and earwax. Hollanders
> absolutely love it and eat kilos of the revolting stuff.
> There is a nationwide conspiracy to look at the faces of foreigners who
> are tricked into believing it is edible.
> >
> 4. Do not buy wooden shoes. They will look absolutely silly on you. Which
> is of course the main reason for selling them to you in the first place. A
> Hollander himself wouldn't like to be found dead in them. (As a matter of
> fact, they wouldn't like to be found dead at all)
> >
> >5. Do not make holes in dikes. Behavior like that is not only frowned
> upon but in certain cases can get you stoned to death with wooden shoes by
> an angry mob. You may feel free however to stick a finger in any dike you
> like. It'll get you a few good laughs from the natives.
>
> 6. A Hollander is always right and he knows it. With this in the back of
> your mind it is easy to deal with most of them.
> If ever you get into an argument with a Hollander, tell him that he is
> absolutely right and that you see the error of your ways.
> This will drive him absolutely crazy: Since you are a foreigner you can't
> be right. You agree with him. Therefore he also cannot be right.
> Impossible! He is a Hollander. But.. why.. he.. At this point you may want
> to stand back and watch him try to strangle himself with a tulip.
>
> 7. Windmills are unavoidable.
>
> 8. It is not necessary to show an interest in tulips, windmills, wooden
> shoes or cheese. Every Hollander knows that you came for the softdrugs or
> the Amsterdam red light district, the Walletjes. Both are available in a
> large quantity and are easy to find.
> ask any Hollander age six or older or any French tourist (see items 19 &
> 20)
>
> 9. Avoid fans of soccer games at all cost. Soccer in Holland is merely an
> excuse used for bashing in the brains of just about everyone else,
> including yours, after the game is won. .Or lost....Or if it is a draw. It
> is also very unwise to stand near a policeman during these festivities.
> (see item 10) Also, whenever there's a Hollander around: "Don't mention
> the '74 final!".
> You'll end up in an ongoing discussion about how well the Orange team
> played and how marvellous it is that a small country like Holland has such
> a good team and blah-de-blah-de-blah.
>
> 10. Policemen in Holland may be used for throwing things at. If you feel
> like hitting someone or something, use a policeman. No
> Hollander will pay any attention if you decide to hit, maim, or kick a
> policeman in the groin. Policemen represent authority and no Hollander
> recognizes any authority higher than himself. You may also note that a lot
> of Hollandse policemen are in fact
> foreigners tricked into taking the job.
>
(Long isn't it)

> 11. Hollanders do not like to spend money, they'd sooner cut off their own
> ears. A Hollander will become a friend for life if you give him something
> for free. (Note: Social diseases are an exception) This might explain the
> success of MacDonald's in Holland.
> The story that copper wire is an invention of two Hollanders fighting over
> a found cent is absolutely true.
>
> 12. Holland is small. There is a rumour that Holland is put inside during
> rainstorms. Not true, but that is mainly because it rains about 365 days
> each year. This might also explain those wooden shoes: They float. Yes,
> Holland is small and Hollanders are proud of it. They will grab every
> opportunity to point out to you that the nation has accomplished great
> things, despite of it being so small. A suitable answer to this swank is
> the Hollander's imperialistic past. Which brings us -rather nicely- to
> item 13.
>
> 13. If you wish to insult a Hollander -and sooner or later you will-
> simply tell him you don't think he is a pacifist. Now immediately start
> running for your life. He'll want to prove to you that he is a peace
> loving person and he won't stop proving this until your intestines are
> scattered all over the floor. However, mentioning a supposedly
> imperialistic past considering
> Surinam and/or Indonesia, will instantly reduce a Hollander to a
> pathetic, sniffing and crying child, begging for forgiveness.
>
> 14. The Hollanders are supposed to be tolerant. They are not. They simply
> make too much money from the sale of soft- and
> hard-drugs, Malaysian women and pornography to foreigners to let an
> opportunity for making a good profit go by.
>
> 15. The main form of public transportation in Holland is bikes. Feel free
> to take any bike of which you are able to pick the lock.
> Don't expect your own bike however to be where you left it three minutes
> earlier. The hunting season for bikes is open 365 days a year. Have fun.
>
> 16. At nearly every meal in Holland you will find a small vicious looking
> blade with a slit in it. It is called a "kaasschaaf" and is used for
> taking very thin (the see-through kind) slices of the cheese. Yes, it is
> indeed an invention made by a Nederlander.
> Never cut cheese with a knife, you'll make an utter fool of yourself.
> Another peculiar dinner tool is the "flessenlikker", which
> literally means "bottle-licker", but which is best translated by
> "yoghurt-scraper". Note that this tool is not meant to get rid of an itchy
> back or for your nightly escapades. It's designed to clean out bottles of
> yoghurt or "vla" which is a sort of custard.
> The Nederlanders wants to use absolutely every millilitre of the yoghurt
> or 'vla' he bought. He paid for all of it and he'll jolly well eat all of
> it.
>
> 17. At the time of this writing, the Hollandse economy is doing quite
> well. The Hollanders say that this is the result of extensive negotiating
> between parties like the unions, the employers and the government. They
> even have a name for this: The polder model. Foreigners are made to
> believe that this polder model is the key to a healthy economy and if
> others should follow this polder model, their economy's will also improve
> dramatically. This is utter nonsense. Hollanders just love to talk and
> talk and talk. Calling al this talking negotiations only gives them a
> sense of doing something useful. Talk is not cheap in Holland.
>
> 18. Hollanders like to drown fried potato's in litres of mayonnaise and
> put it in small paper bags. This is called "een patatje met". One of these
> bags can sustain life over an indefinite period. Not everyone agrees if it
> is the sort of life worth living.
> Some foreigners however are reported to have actually liked eating it.
>
> 19. Hollanders have a special and unique service for -mainly- French
> tourists. As soon as they cross the border between Belgium and Holland,
> they are welcomed enthusiastically by young men in fast cars. These young
> people wish to point out to the French tourist where the more interesting
> touristic places in Holland can be found. Strangely enough they always
> seem to end up in a coffee shop (see item 20). Funny people those French.
>
(Your about halfway now.)

> 20. There is a fast and guaranteed way of making a complete fool of
> yourself in Holland: Enter a coffee shop and ask for a cappuccino. Coffee
> shops do not -remember this- do not sell coffee. You can however get a
> good number of other stimulating drugs there. For some unknown reason
> coffee shops are extremely popular with French tourists.
>
> 21. A Fries is a semi-detached sort of Nederlander, living in the north
> of the country in a province all for himself.
> >He is fond of frozen water, Beerenburg (which is a form of euthanasia
> with alcohol) and continuously pointing out to non-Fries Hollanders that
> they are -indeed- not Fries. The rest of the Hollanders look upon this
> behaviour with the good natured ambivalent feelings that parents have for
> an obstinate child.
>
> 22. On the matter of what books to buy before you come to Holland, I can
> recommend the following: The complete works of
> William Shakespeare or a leather-bound volume of the Encyclopaedia
> Britannica (the 1913 copy: Fr to He). In my experience these two books
> have just about the right weight for clubbing a pushy drug dealer or pimp
> on the head without leaving any
> marks. After hitting you might want to drop the book you were carrying at
> that moment for a more speedy retreat. Bring plenty of books.
>
> 23. Do not bother to hire a car. Not only can you steal more bikes than
> you will need but car-traffic in Holland is not something you will enjoy.
> In the rest of the world traffic jams are measured in miles or kilometres,
> Nederlandse traffic jams are measured in weeks. As a matter of fact, the
> more persistent traffic-jams are well worth a touristic visit. The sight
> of starving people in an expensive Mercedes can be quite uplifting if you
> are of a philosophic nature. You may want to bring some pieces of bread
> with you to throw through open car windows. The resulting fights can often
> be worth watching.
>
> 24. Contrary to popular belief, you may not bring your mother-in-law to
> Holland for do-it-yourself euthanasia. Tourists are warned not to take
> these matters into their own hands.
>
> 25. Whether you are catholic, Muslim or worshipper of Urrrgl, god of all
> honest politicians, in Holland you are likely to run into a church, temple
> or oak-tree-and-virgin of your liking. Hollanders are supposed to be very
> tolerant of other believes, ways
> of life and religious convictions. They are not. The only reason for there
> being so many different churches, sects and cults is the fact that
> Hollanders disagree on just about
> > anything. A Hollander is always right (see item 6) and anyone who thinks
> different than him can jolly well bugger off and start his own church.
>
> 26. Holland is a kingdom. It has no king but a queen and her husband is no
> king but a prince. The queen doesn't rule the country -well, not much
> anyway- but she is very good at opening bridges, roads and visiting other
> countries. She is also very decorative at state banquets. Her son, the
> crown prince, will be king as soon as she stops queening. The queens
> husband is not a king but a prince but the crown princes wife will be a
> queen as soon as he is a king. On April the 30th its Queen's Day, which is
> not the birthday of the queen, but the birthday of princess Juliana the
> queen's mother (who used to be the queen). It is no wonder that more and
> more Nederlanders wish to make Holland a republic. Queen's Day, by the
> way, has nothing to do with royal festivities.
> It's just a Hollander's excuse to drink large quantities of alcohol. On
> Queen's Day Hollanders also sell garbage in the streets.
>
> 27. It might be wise to learn how to swim if you visit Holland. No, the
> dikes will hold, that is not the problem. The huge amount of ditches,
> moats, canals, rivers and brooks can however lead to mistakes. The shiny
> nice new asphalt road that you wish to drive your car on during a
> rainstorm, may in fact not be a road at all.
>
> 28. The Hollandse art. Most Nederlandse painters get to be famous only
> after they have died. That is a very sensible arrangement from the publics
> point of view. Not only do you get large quantities of paintings -a man
> has got to eat, right?- but it also makes a nice investment for
> art-lovers. The painters themselves do not share this view at all but are
> unable to do anything about it. In at least one case the frustration has
> led to self-mutilation involving an ear.
>
> 29. If one of your Hollandse friends invites you for a birthday party,
> prepare yourself for a unique experience. Unique, because it can only be
> compared to taking place on a wooden chair which has a sharp nail driven
> through the underside of the
> seat, and not being able to move for a month. More than one foreigner has
> been driven to the brink of insanity in just one evening. A Hollandse
> birthday party consists of sitting in a chair, talking to other Hollanders
> about your work, your car, foreigners and politics. You are expected to
> leave at 11 pm and you'll gladly do so.
>
(Nearly finished)

> 30. Do not get sick in Nederland. Over the last ten years, the famous
> Hollandse healthcare has been privatised. These days some operations, like
> open heart surgery, have a waiting list of more than six months. The
> doctors don't think that is a problem, "More than half of our patients for
> open heart surgery never even show up anyway" they say. Some Nederlandse
> patients who have become desperate, move to a country like Mozambique,
> Iraq or Pakistan where healthcare is infinitely better.
>
> 31. Holland has more cities than only Amsterdam. Like ..erm. ..Well, it
> has!!
>
> 32. Hollandse beer has made quite a reputation for itself over the years.
> Some people even drink it. Brewing is indeed one of the things Hollanders
> traditionaly do very well. Holland never used to be a country with
> anything more interesting to do than to drink oneself blind in new and
> interesting ways or make paintings. This made the beer industry very
> popular. Experts claim that once you have drank Hollandse beer like
> Heineken, Grolsch or Amstel, all other beers taste like the tapwater in a
> Rotterdam hotel.
>
> 33. Hollandse tapwater is safe to drink. This is quite remarkable
> considering that most drinking water comes from poluted rivers like the
> Rhine. Plans to improve the quality of the riverwater, so that fish like
> salmon will return to Hollandse rivers to spawn, can count on strong
> resistance from the Nederlanders. They don't like the idea of animals
> having sex in their drinking water.
>
> 34. There are about as many pigs in Holland as there are people. Quite
> amazing realy because there are 16.000.000 Hollanders and the pigs are the
> animal kind of pigs. Now, take 1 pig. Go on, take it. Now feed it. Wait.
> Wait some more. Now watch and you'll see two things happening. The pig
> gets a little fatter, which is good. There's quite a bit of waste coming
> out of the pig, which is bad. It smells. It smells bloody awful. Now
> multiply that smell with 16.000.000 Hollanders just don't seem to mind.
> They smell something different, they smell money. Which shows that not
> only does "pecunia non olet" (money doesn't
> smell) but it can can sweeten a great big stench as well. Oh and...
> you'll get used to that smell after only a few weeks.
>
> 35. Hollandse political debates are about as dull as a three-day lecture
> on the great Lituanian athletes from 1762 to 1809.
> No cries of "Hear hear!!", no fistfights in front of a camera, not even
> politicians calling each other incompetents. (And heaven knows the
> Hollandse politicians have their share of incompetents.) Telling your
> opponent that you question his policy is about as bad as it gets. As a
> result the interest in elections is about zero. Last election only two
> voters showed up. The first one had lost his way to the toilet and the
> other was an illigal immigrant who thought he had come to right place for
> a passport.
(Glad i didn't have to type it.)

[Vicotnik]

ROTFLOL Valen!
Took some time to read but it was good
'K here's another one:

A salesman rang the doorbell, and little Johnny answered. The salesman asked if his father was home.

Johnny said, "Yes."

The salesman said, "Well, can I see him please?"

Johnny snickered and said, "No, he is in the shower."

The salesman asked if his mother was home.

Johnny said, "Yes."

The salesman asked, "Well, can I see her?"

Johnny snickered again and said, "No, she's in the shower too."

The salesman then asked, "Do you think they will be out soon?"

Johnny laughed this time and said, "No."

The salesman asked, "Why?"

"Well," Johnny said, "when my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him some Super Glue."

And another one:
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug; deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice tits," says the man. "Where do you want these blinds?"

[Melusine]

ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
yeah I'm from Holland I know!

[WOLFGIR]

Ok, this is a story, don´t know if it´s appropriate but then what is?
Now mind you, don´t take anything to serious ok, its for a laugh and no it isn´t based on a true story..



A young man is wandering, lost in the forest, when he comes upon a
small house. Knocking on the door, he is greeted by an ancient
Chinese man with a long gray beard.
"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but with one condition. If you so
much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the worst
Chinese tortures known to man."
"OK," said the man, (thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as
well), and entered the house.
Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,
beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to
the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old mans warning, he ignored her and went up to bed
alone.
During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck in to her room
for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so
the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn, he crept back to his room,
exhausted, but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest.
Opening his eyes, he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it
that read.
"Chinese torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old
man can do then I don't have much to worry about."
He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the
boulder out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read,
"Chinese tourture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."
In panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting
close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was beter than
castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he
plummeted towards the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that
read, Chinese torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost.


Melusine, I love your pic.. Very.. delicate..

[Vicotnik]

hahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahaahahahahahahahhaaha hahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahhahahah ! Good one Wolfie!


Now I'm not a sexist type guy, but this was just to funny not to post!
Enjoy:

Some reasons that it's great to be a guy:
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
Movie nudity is virtually always female.
A 5-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
You can open all your own jars.
Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight.
Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every picture of somebody crying.
All your orgasms are real.
You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you go.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
Your last name stays put.
You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.
You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.
If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
You can write your name in the snow.
Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Flowers fix everything.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.
You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking, "He must be mad at me."
The world is your urinal.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
One mood, all the time.
You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one's just too dirty.
You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you're wearing.
Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.
You don't care if someone's talking about you behind your back.
With 400 million sperm cells per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
You don't mooch off others' desserts.
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
The remote control is yours and yours alone.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
Bachelor parties whomp butt over bridal showers.
You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends that you've changed.
Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase, "screw it."
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.
Your pals can be trusted to never trap you with, "So... notice anything different?"




Things that suck about being a guy:
The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000.
External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.
Even if you get your head caught in an industrial wood chipper, you're not allowed to cry.
Ribbed for her pleasure -- not yours.
You have to wear ties.
You can't flirt your way out of a jam.
"Women and children first."
hihi!

[WOLFGIR]

hehe Vicotnik, that was something... hehe LOL und soweiter..

Something for all our antipaladins, helliches and other evildoers..
http://minievil.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html
Check it out..

[Gray Mage]

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome
to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The
weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"
Silence.
Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was
talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the
hot coffee
in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of
mine!"