Merit/Demerit Guide

[John D Harris]

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when
dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule
applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any
points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is
played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed .............................................+1

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.... 0

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...................-1

You leave the toilet seat up..................................-5

You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty............ 0

When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.........-1

When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...........-2

You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings...+5

In the snow.............................................. ....+8

But return with beer.....................................-5

And no liners............................................ ....-25

You check out a suspicious noise at night.......................... 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing.............. 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something..........+5

You pummel it with a six iron................................+10

It's her cat............................................... ........-40

AT THE PARTY

You stay by her side the entire party............ 0

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College
drinking buddy...-2

Named Tiffany....................................-4

Tiffany is a lap dancer.......................-10

With breast implants..........................-18

HER BIRTHDAY

You remember her birthday............................0

You buy a card and flowers..............................0

You take her out to dinner............................... 0

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar..........+1

Okay, it is a sports bar...................................-2

And it's all-you-can-eat night..........................-3

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted
the colors of your favorite team...-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

Go out with a pal.................................0

The pal is happily married................+1

The pal is single.................................-7

He drives a Ferrari.................................-10

With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED)...-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER

You take her to a movie........................+2

You take her to a movie she likes .........+4

You take her to a movie you hate..........+6

You take her to a movie you like...........-2

It's called Death Cop 3.........................-3

Which features Cyborgs that eat humans.................. .....-9

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans ......-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable potbelly................-15

You develop a noticeable potbelly & exercise to get rid of
it..........+10

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts...........................-30

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one
too."......................................-800

THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?" You hesitate in
responding.........................-10

You reply, "Where?"..................................-35

You reply, "No, I think it's your ass".........-100

Any other response....................................-20

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem:

You listen, displaying a concerned expression......................................0

You listen, for over 30 minutes........................................... ..............+5

You relate to her problem and share a similar experience..................+50

You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying, "Well,
what do you think I should do".................................-50

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the
TV..........+100

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep.................-200


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"the memories of a man in his old age,
are deeds of a man in his prime"

[John D Harris]

Another self serving bump.

[Tancred]

Finally, a guide that explains it all! Wow! Thanks, John! I'll try this out as soon as I get another girlfriend!

[onthepequod]

ROFL!!!

[bilqis]

Hey!! Who gave you the super secret women's guide to scoring men???? C'mon ... give it back! Jeeeeeeeeez ... now we'll have to come with a whole new system to keep you guys under control.




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Having abandoned my
search for truth, I am
now looking for a good
fantasy.

For R³ in thanks:
Sometimes I think I
understand everything,
then I regain consciousness.

[onthepequod]

Originally posted by bilqis: Hey!! Who gave you the super secret women's guide to scoring men???? C'mon ... give it back! Jeeeeeeeeez ... now we'll have to come with a whole new system to keep you guys under control.

We can never be kept under control!!!

Maybe that's why we are always in trouble.



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[Ladyzekke]

Oh man I am dyin over here! LOL! HAHAHAHAHAHA! That is one of the funniest things I have ever read!!! (still histerically laughing...!!!)

HAHA! I don't see how you'll be able to top this one Mr. Harris!



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[nick1979]

This should be entitled the "Dummies guide to Women"
LOL

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[This message has been edited by nick1979 (edited 08-11-2001).]