A daily laugh !

[Vicotnik]

A Frenchman, an Italian, and a Texan were discussing lovemaking.

"Last night I made love to my wife three times," boasted the Frenchman. "She was in sheer ecstasy this morning."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "And this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the Texan remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted.

"What did she say to you this morning?" asked the Italian.

"Don't stop," said the Texan.

[turbovee]

Three cowboys were sitting around the fire bragging about how tough each other was. One from Oklahoma, one from Wyoming and one from Texas.

The Oklahoman begins the conversation by saying. " I had to wrestle down a full grown bull today, he was fighting and kicking and I still brought him down."

The Wyoming cowboy says. "that was nothing, I had to fight off a pack of wild wolves that was threating my herd"

The texan made no reply, he just sat there stirring the coals with his penis

[turbovee]

Three castaways were walking down the beach when one trips over something in the sand. He picks himself up and pulls a bottle out of the sand. as he brushes the sand off he a cloud of smoke comes out of the bottle and a genie appears.

"thank you for releasing me" says the genie "For this I will grant each one of you a wish."

The first guy rushes over and says " I wish to be home surounded by beautiful women that love me"
"Done" says the genie. and the first guy disappears.

The second guy says "I wish to be home with a billion dollars in my bank account"
"Done" says the genie and the second guy vanishes

The third guy still holding the bottle looks around and says "Man, I'm lonely here. I wish I had my friends back"

[Melusine]

Thanks Vicotnik for starting up and maintaining this thread! It always cheers me up when I have a bad day! Also thanks to the other people who sent in their jokes...keep em coming!

This one's not for the people who disliked the sheepshagging joke:

The Seven Dwarves have managed to get an audience with the Pope, them being famous dwarves and all.
The Pope receives them, and Dopey is right in front.
"What is it you want to ask me, my son?" asks the Pope
"Well Father" says Dopey "I was wondering, are there any dwarf nuns in the Vatican?"
Says the Pope, thinking what a weird question, "Well let me think, no, my son, I don't think we have any dwarf nuns here."
Some of the other dwarves start to snicker slightly. Dopey glares at them and continues:
"But Father, are there perhaps any dwarf nuns in Europe?"
"No, I'm afraid there are no dwarf nuns in Europe" answers the Pope.
Now, the other dwarves are all snickering. Glaring furiously at them, Dopey manages to ask the Pope:
"Please tell me Father, are there any dwarf nuns in the world at all?"
The Pope, puzzled, tells him: "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere on this world"

Then the other dwarves all start howling with laughter and jeering: Dopey fucked a penguin! Dopey fucked a penguin!

Superb Melusine

Woudn't the smell of fish have warned Dopey? Then again...

[Moridin]

Here are a couple to keep the post going
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Did you hear about the new mint flavored birth control pills that women take right before sex?
They're called Predickamints!
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Three little old ladies are sitting on a park bench when a man in a trench coat with nothing on underneath
stops in front of them and flings his coat wide open
The first little old lady has a stroke!
The second old lady also has a stroke!
The third little old lady however, couldn't reach!
----------------------------------------
Three nuns die and go to heaven. They are met by St. Peter in front of the Pearly Gates.
"Since all three of you have lead perfect lives I am allowing you to go back to earth for 6 months as anyone you want'"
The first nun says "I want to be Bo Derek" *POOF* she is gone
The second nun says "I want to be Madonna" *POOF* she is gone
The third nun says "I want to be Virginia Pipalini"
"Who?" asks St. Peter
"Virginia Pipalini" the nun says handing him a newspaper clipping
St. Peter reads the clip and starts laughing.....
He hands the clip back to the nun and says "This says the Virginia PIPELINE was laid by 500 men in seven days!"
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What's the difference between a hooker, a nympho, and a sorority sister?
A hooker says "Are you done yet?"
A nympho says "No, you can't be done yet!"
A sorority sister says "Biege, I think I will paint the ceiling beige"
----------------------------------------
A guy is sitting at a bar and sees a cute girl at the other end
He winks at her and she smiles and turns to talk to her girlfriends
The guy decides that the smile is a good sign and decides to buy her a drink and go talk to her
He orders a drink for himself and one for her
The bartender notices him looking down at the end of the bar and says "I wouldn't go for her"
"Why not?" asks the man
"She's a lesbian"
"So what?" says the man
The bartender shrugs.
The man takes the drinks and goes down and sits next to the lady and asks.....
"So what part of Lebanon are you from?"

[Vicotnik]

Glad that you're liking this!

---
What a woman says, what she really means...
I need = I want
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I have a severe case of PMS
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper...
I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really going to hate
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
I was wrong = Not as wrong as you
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
I'm not yelling! = Of course I'm yelling, this is important!


What a man says, what he really means...
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Would you like to dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psycho trauma are you going through now?
You look upset = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
Yes, I love your new hairstyle = I liked it better before
Yes, your haircut looks good = $50 and it doesn't even look different!
I like the first dress you tried on better = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go!

[Vicotnik]

hehe

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" he asked.

"Oh, Bill, you didn't," she said.

"Yes, I did," he told her.

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" she asked.

"Oh... she got fired too."

[Vicotnik]

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. She noticed a young man smiling at her and began to feel humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat, and he seemed more amused.

She moved again, and then on her fourth move, he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was:

When the lady boarded the bus, I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement that read, "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins." Then she moved under a sign that read, "Sloan's Liniments remove swelling."

I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement that read, "William's Stick Did the Trick."

Then I could not control myself any longer when, on the fourth move, she sat under an advertisement that read, "Dunlop Rubber Would Have Prevented This Accident."

The case was dismissed.

[Jerome]

A panda walks into a resturant and orders a meal.
Upon finishing he is about to walk out until a waiter jumps in front of him.

"Sir, you haven't paid yet!" he exclaimed.

And thus the panda pulled out a gun and shot the waiter.
The owner the comes over and asks "why did you shoot my waiter?"
The panda replied, "thats what pandas do, look it up"

Later on the manager opens his dictionary and looks up the word panda:

PANDA: Eats shoots and leaves.

geddit? (yeah i know its awful)