Its' another story thread! OH YES!

[Nickzilla]

I've read a lot of the character stories ( In fact I think i've read almost all of them ) so I decided to try one myself. Im looking for some constructive critism, pros + cons and possibly suggestions. Oh yeah, I apologise in advance if I have stolen any ideas from anyone. Im a bit dippy when it comes to remembering where I get my inspiration from.
An adventuring party consisting of Milo Highill, Viconia Devir, Korgan Bloodaxe, Sarevok and Edwin Obbesidion are exploring the intricate dungeon of Watchers Keep, just near the small town of Saradush.
“A skullbreaker!” Korgan proudly proclaimed as he applied the finishing blow to another strange skeletal being with his legendary hammer, Crom Fayer. The skeleton’s head caved in and the body collapsed after the mighty blow but Korgans victory was short lived thanks to the other skeletal beasts that were currently being engaged by his comrades. “Vih’hir!” Mumbled Viconia in frustration as she narrowly missed a skeletons head with her flail.
Following their usually effective battle plan to the letter, she stood away from Korgan and Sarevok and engaged the less heavily armoured foes with the aid of Milo and Edwin. But when against very capable spellcasting skeletons its’ hard to stick to any battle plan as the party found out when chaos and disorder seeped in amongst their ranks.
Suddenly, Milo’s brother Sarevok realised he had bit off more than he could chew as he found himself surrounded by two skeletons and what appeared to be their leader. However Sarevok being known for many negative things wasn’t a coward and so bit his lip and swung his huge sword at full speed at the monster standing in front of him, bashing it to pieces. Just when it was too late Sarevok noticed the leader of the monsters casting a spell and before Sarevok could put a stop to it the spell unleashed itself, stopping everyone dead in their tracks. Before even a second had passed in this catatonic state, Sarevok found himself running away in blind fear from the beast he had decided to stay and fight.
Edwin, the intelligent Thayraxian mage noticed this and started casting a spell of his own. Within moments an 8 foot tall incorporeal fallen planetar was standing before the skeletons much to their unusually blatant disbelief. The planetar was a blood red creature with a huge bright yellow Vorpal sword at its side and reasonably big white wings on both of its shoulders. The creature had no face as such but it was in the vague shape of a very large human. The creatures’ first act was to fly after Sarevok and cast a spell to remove his fear and restore his courage. Meanwhile, on the other side of the battlefield Korgan had realised that Sarevok was no longer engaging the two creatures due to the fact that one of them was charging straight towards him! Luckily for Korgan Milo managed to land a well placed crossbow bolt in the centre of the creatures forehead which made it collapse. “Yeah!” Milo shouted as the once threatening creature became little more than dust in front of his very eyes.
After seeing her husband Milo’s’ success, Viconia found a second wind within herself and took advantage by knocking the sword arm off the beast she was busy with and then following up with a stylish spin to knock the creatures head clean off its shoulders with her flail.
This left only one creature which just so happened to be the leader of the unusual group. The party surrounded it and knowing it was covered in spell protections looked to the mage Edwin who proceeded to cast a potent spell which made short work of the skeleton’s spell protections. The first to charge was Sarevok (as always) who after missing with his sword, found himself on the bad end of the skeletons heavily enchanted club. After this the rest of the party had seen enough and thus, decided to join Sarevok on the frontlines. After a surprisingly difficult battle the skeleton started to run away at a worryingly fast pace which provoked Sarevok and the fallen planetar to give chase and eventually strike the beast down, turning it to dust just like it’s former comrades.

“Well, that was interesting.” Said Milo as he casually retrieved his crossbow bolt from the dust on the floor. “Ugh, what were those things?” grunted Sarevok as he rubbed a potion into the bruises he had sustained during the battle. Milo merely shrugged his shoulders and turned to the device that inhabited the centre of the room. The device itself was a circular symbol of Helm on the floor of the dungeon surrounded by 3 halfling sized cylinders which stood upright with keyholes in them. There was also a wheel attached to a brass pipe which was next to what appeared to be an old boiler.
Milo had already inserted 2 keys labelled ‘HEART’ and ‘MIND’ so he assumed the key he held in his hand, labelled ‘SPIRIT’ was the last key that needed to be inserted. Just as Milo’s key was about to touch the lock he was interrupted by Edwin. “Do any of you think it is rather suspicious that the Helmite fools do not know what lurks down here?” he asked. Milo drew his key away from the lock and sighed “I hate to say it but he has a point actually.” Assuming that the deity Helm had the alias ‘The ever seeing eye’ it seemed rather suspicious that the clerics of Helm had no idea what was actually inside Watchers Keep. “Harrumph! Don’t let the magelings chattering get on yer yellow side Milo, we should continue down for loot and glory!” the dwarf Korgan seemed to be celebrating their success before they even knew what they were up against. Milo still wasn’t sure so he decided to consult the wisdom of his wife. “What do you say Vic? Should we go down?” he asked, slightly worried at the response he might get. “I don’t trust the Helmites’ in the slightest” she snarled. With this comment Milo seemed almost relieved. “But I didn’t wish to marry a coward.” She added.
With this Milo gulped and put the key inside the last hole and turned it. He then signalled for everyone to stand atop the circular Helm symbol and afterwards told Sarevok to turn the wheel. As soon as Sarevok started turning the wheel the party began their descent into the blackness which was the fifth and final level of Watchers Keep.

[Melusine]

Don't have the time or inclination to close-read this, but one thing that struck me: look at your dialogue. Every single line is introduced or followed by a "he said worriedly", "she mumbled in frustration", "he asked as he blah blah....". Dead giveaway in amateur writing. Try leaving such pointers (he asked, she said, he proclaimed) out sometimes, it sounds less contrived. And instead of saying "she mumbled in frustration as she blah blah blah" try varying your sentences more. "blah blah", she mumbled. The frustration was clearly audible in her voice. Etc. Varied sentence length makes a piece much easier to read.
It also helps if you vary the number of subordinate clauses in a sentence. Often, you have too many, where a separate short sentence would look better.
Oh and when you do use that construction, don't use capital letters like you do sometimes (“Vih’hir!” Mumbled Viconia in frustration...) but do it like "Vih'hir," mumbled Viconia.... etc.

Hope you weren't daunted by that - constructive criticism like you asked for. Other than that, have fun writing! [img]smile.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/thumbsup.gif[/img]