How do you tell when a person is sincere?

mistral4543 · 01-09-2002, 02:15 AM

I've a little story below, which you're free to comment on. In fact, I'd greatly appreciate any inputs you'd care to share with me... okay, here goes...

Just before Christmas, I met a guy at a social gathering and we kind of "clicked" because of common interests such as love of writing poetry and reading fantasy books. A few days later, I received an email from him (he'd somehow managed to get hold of my address).

We started emailing each other on a daily basis for about a week, and that was when I started getting concerned because I was rather wary of the written mode (may lead to second-guessing and lack of real-time verbal contact). He finally called recently and we chatted for 2.5 hours!

It was fun talking to him, and there was plenty of teasing especially from him...despite his claims of being shy. The next evening, he called again and asked why I hadn't called him. But other than that, the same thing basically happened (ie, we had another pleasant chat). He asked if I would lunch with him the next day, but I did not agree at that point.

Anyway, during our conversations, we would share some information about ourselves, such as schooling days, past relationships, ideas of love and current pastimes. He was pretty open but always wanted me to ask him the right questions before answering them (his explanation being that he is a Type B person). I am starting to feel a little uncomfortable as I'm now suspecting that he's just trying to play around with me until his interest dies out. So for all I know, he could be cooking up all sorts of stories for his amusement.

Yet I also refuse to believe that he would go through all this trouble just to have a moment of fun. I mean, I am not physically stunning and I did feel a real bond towards him at the very first time we met and talked about reading and writing.

Okay, now that I have hopefully painted a picture of what is going on, my questions are these:

(1) Am I getting paranoid or do I have valid reasons to be alarmed? I used to think I was a good judge of character, but now I'm starting to doubt myself.

(2)Does he sound like a genuine person?

(3)Is it consistent for him to be cracking jokes while claiming to be shy? Or could it be him trying to lighten the mood?

As I said, all your comments would be more than welcome. I am looking forward to hearing them!

[ 01-09-2002: Message edited by: mistral4543 ]

LennonCook · 01-09-2002, 02:31 AM

My answer to anything of this nature is quite simple... remember that someone on the net can be anyone they want to be. Their character may be beleivable, or unbelievable depending on their acting skill and the genuinty (is that even a word ??) of the character. Thus, we cannot KNOW that they are who they claim to be... but you can always rely on TRUST. And whether or not u trust someone is ur decision, and one which u have probably already made subcontiously.

mistral4543 · 01-09-2002, 02:40 AM

Thanks, SookmaCook!

I really want to trust him, and not live life being so cynical about others... and the only way to find out if they're sincere seems to be risking a little by opening up to them.

Now I'm beginning to fully understand the meaning of "no pain, no gain." If I should be betrayed, I shall be striving to get over the pain and still try to maintain a more positive outlook.

Looks like I'm going to need a lot of courage for this...

250 · 01-09-2002, 02:41 AM

Mistral!!

sooooooooooooooooo nice to see you posting here!! [img]graemlins/happywave.gif[/img] I just want to know how does he make you feel? my partner (not girlfriend now, just partner, but we share more than just friend... so it is confusing. I'd call her partner... anyway, lol ) always tell me that she feels I am playing with her because I make too many jokes, and I dont answer her questions right away. (I always ask her the same question that she asks me, because I remember some AD&D article said "a real baddass is the one that talks less, just look, any one who asks a question is going to get toasted." LOL, how naive of me... "AD&D tips for making out?")

admittingly, she is insecure, but it also speaks that I need to get more serious and sincere on occasions. (I do that a lot **hurt face**) our relationship is just way too unique, so I cannot put it as an example here. but I am definitely hoping you the best, are you feeling thrilled? **rolling eyes** ok ok **big smile** I stop teasing you now, check him out a little longer maybe? time speaks all. my best wishs for you, Mistral! **hugs**

250 · 01-09-2002, 02:44 AM

quote:
Originally posted by mistral4543:
Looks like I'm going to need a lot of courage for this...

you can count that on me!

Aelia Jusa · 01-09-2002, 03:02 AM

Well, I think Sookma is right - the real issue here is trust. This is a little different to a real internet relationship, ie you're not worried that he's really a 12 year old kid or a guy with a wife and three kids

But you are trusting that he is being sincere with you and not just playing with your feelings.

There are a few points that I want to make. First most people aren't out to get their kicks by tricking and humiliating people. I know there are a lot of losers out there, and you do have to be careful, but the majority of people aren't, so it's usually best to give people the benefit of the doubt, and he hasn't really done anything overt that might make you think he is not on the level as far as I can see, though I know that it can be very hard to allow yourself to be vulnerable.

Second it is not at all unusual for shy people to crack jokes - it is actually quite characteristic as it is a way they can be social and fun while still keeping themselves separate from the situation - they can hide behind humour so as not to reveal themselves. Actually humour is used this way for a lot of cases, hiding grief or vulnerabilities is another. I know this, as I am very shy, and I'm told quite hilarious

So as I see it, you have to decide whether you want to trust him, and how much. Of course, the balance is that however much you hold back from trusting him, you are keeping that much of yourself from him. And also what will be the consequences of holding back - you may save yourself from embarrassment and pain, but you may also lose what could be a meaningful relationship. So I guess you have to consider what is more important and what you might lose if he does turn out not to be sincere, and only you know that answer to that.

mistral4543 · 01-09-2002, 03:03 AM

quote:
Originally posted by 250:
I just want to know how does he make you feel?
:
:
are you feeling thrilled?
:
:
check him out a little longer maybe? time speaks all. my best wishs for you, Mistral! **hugs**

Hi 250! [img]graemlins/happywave.gif[/img]

How does he make me feel? Well, when I'm talking to him, it is a wonderful feeling of getting to know someone better [img]smile.gif[/img] But after the conversation, my hardened side seems to keep sending warning bells ringing against my ears

So now I am trying to very hard to fight these conflicting emotions and the process is rather draining.

But you're right; I'll wait and see how things go. Hopefully I'll be able to detect the first signs of when I should back out...

fable · 01-09-2002, 03:05 AM

This whole relationship-by-web thingee (to use the technical term) has its benefits and drawbacks, and one of the latter is not really knowing whom you're speaking with. In my day (he said, mouthing his gums, which tasted like tutty fruity) we met people through social events, acquaintances, red light districts and the like. There was less that a person in reallife could "stage manage" to make themselves semm wonderful than they can on the Internet.

So maybe you could consider meeting this person in a public place for lunch, or dinner. Try it a few times, always in public. See if his facade cracks, and find out what lies within. Ask him a lot of questions, and find at least a few you can check on. Machiavellian? Sure! [img]smile.gif[/img] But if you want to know what he's like, these are time-tested methods.

Well, these and marrying the guy, but divorces are messy and time-consuming. Try the other methods, first.

mistral4543 · 01-09-2002, 03:08 AM

Thanks for your support, 250!

And Aelia, thanks so much for taking the time to present such a detailed analysis of the situation. I am really grateful for that!

250 · 01-09-2002, 03:17 AM

quote:
Originally posted by mistral4543:

Hi 250! [img]graemlins/happywave.gif[/img]

How does he make me feel? Well, when I'm talking to him, it is a wonderful feeling of getting to know someone better [img]smile.gif[/img] But after the conversation, my hardened side seems to keep sending warning bells ringing against my ears So now I am trying to very hard to fight these conflicting emotions and the process is rather draining.

But you're right; I'll wait and see how things go. Hopefully I'll be able to detect the first signs of when I should back out...

awww... conflicts! I totally feel it! thats what makes us human, isnt it?

look at me, one part tell me to stay, another tell me to let go. one part tells me to love unconditionally, another tells me to ask for affirmation [img]smile.gif[/img] tough business, and it can get frustrating from time to time. in the end I learnt to trust what my heart says. and I have a lot of confident in you, Mistral, who is quite a work-hardened, educated, and talented woman!

anyways, I just have one more question, what do you mean by "warning signs" ? (of course, I know what "warning signs" mean literally, but what do you mean by warning sign? what makes you feel that way?)

OK, I am sure you are gonna be just fine! and remember I am here! (so if it doesnt work out with him, call me... LOL, just kidding)

01-09-2002, 02:44 AM	#5
250 Horus - Egyptian Sky God Join Date: March 4, 2001 Location: either CA or MO Age: 42 Posts: 2,674	quote: Originally posted by mistral4543: Looks like I'm going to need a lot of courage for this... you can count that on me!

01-09-2002, 03:02 AM	#6
Aelia Jusa Iron Throne Cult Join Date: August 23, 2001 Location: Brisbane, Australia Age: 42 Posts: 4,867	Well, I think Sookma is right - the real issue here is trust. This is a little different to a real internet relationship, ie you're not worried that he's really a 12 year old kid or a guy with a wife and three kids But you are trusting that he is being sincere with you and not just playing with your feelings. There are a few points that I want to make. First most people aren't out to get their kicks by tricking and humiliating people. I know there are a lot of losers out there, and you do have to be careful, but the majority of people aren't, so it's usually best to give people the benefit of the doubt, and he hasn't really done anything overt that might make you think he is not on the level as far as I can see, though I know that it can be very hard to allow yourself to be vulnerable. Second it is not at all unusual for shy people to crack jokes - it is actually quite characteristic as it is a way they can be social and fun while still keeping themselves separate from the situation - they can hide behind humour so as not to reveal themselves. Actually humour is used this way for a lot of cases, hiding grief or vulnerabilities is another. I know this, as I am very shy, and I'm told quite hilarious So as I see it, you have to decide whether you want to trust him, and how much. Of course, the balance is that however much you hold back from trusting him, you are keeping that much of yourself from him. And also what will be the consequences of holding back - you may save yourself from embarrassment and pain, but you may also lose what could be a meaningful relationship. So I guess you have to consider what is more important and what you might lose if he does turn out not to be sincere, and only you know that answer to that. __________________

01-09-2002, 03:03 AM	#7
mistral4543 Ma'at - Goddess of Truth & Justice Join Date: September 5, 2001 Location: House of Freelight Age: 47 Posts: 3,159	quote: Originally posted by 250: I just want to know how does he make you feel? : : are you feeling thrilled? : : check him out a little longer maybe? time speaks all. my best wishs for you, Mistral! hugs Hi 250! [img]graemlins/happywave.gif[/img] How does he make me feel? Well, when I'm talking to him, it is a wonderful feeling of getting to know someone better [img]smile.gif[/img] But after the conversation, my hardened side seems to keep sending warning bells ringing against my ears So now I am trying to very hard to fight these conflicting emotions and the process is rather draining. But you're right; I'll wait and see how things go. Hopefully I'll be able to detect the first signs of when I should back out...

01-09-2002, 03:17 AM	#10
250 Horus - Egyptian Sky God Join Date: March 4, 2001 Location: either CA or MO Age: 42 Posts: 2,674	quote: Originally posted by mistral4543: Hi 250! [img]graemlins/happywave.gif[/img] How does he make me feel? Well, when I'm talking to him, it is a wonderful feeling of getting to know someone better [img]smile.gif[/img] But after the conversation, my hardened side seems to keep sending warning bells ringing against my ears So now I am trying to very hard to fight these conflicting emotions and the process is rather draining. But you're right; I'll wait and see how things go. Hopefully I'll be able to detect the first signs of when I should back out... awww... conflicts! I totally feel it! thats what makes us human, isnt it? look at me, one part tell me to stay, another tell me to let go. one part tells me to love unconditionally, another tells me to ask for affirmation [img]smile.gif[/img] tough business, and it can get frustrating from time to time. in the end I learnt to trust what my heart says. and I have a lot of confident in you, Mistral, who is quite a work-hardened, educated, and talented woman! anyways, I just have one more question, what do you mean by "warning signs" ? (of course, I know what "warning signs" mean literally, but what do you mean by warning sign? what makes you feel that way?) OK, I am sure you are gonna be just fine! and remember I am here! (so if it doesnt work out with him, call me... LOL, just kidding)

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01-09-2002, 02:15 AM	#1
mistral4543 Ma'at - Goddess of Truth & Justice Join Date: September 5, 2001 Location: House of Freelight Age: 47 Posts: 3,159	I've a little story below, which you're free to comment on. In fact, I'd greatly appreciate any inputs you'd care to share with me... okay, here goes... Just before Christmas, I met a guy at a social gathering and we kind of "clicked" because of common interests such as love of writing poetry and reading fantasy books. A few days later, I received an email from him (he'd somehow managed to get hold of my address). We started emailing each other on a daily basis for about a week, and that was when I started getting concerned because I was rather wary of the written mode (may lead to second-guessing and lack of real-time verbal contact). He finally called recently and we chatted for 2.5 hours! It was fun talking to him, and there was plenty of teasing especially from him...despite his claims of being shy. The next evening, he called again and asked why I hadn't called him. But other than that, the same thing basically happened (ie, we had another pleasant chat). He asked if I would lunch with him the next day, but I did not agree at that point. Anyway, during our conversations, we would share some information about ourselves, such as schooling days, past relationships, ideas of love and current pastimes. He was pretty open but always wanted me to ask him the right questions before answering them (his explanation being that he is a Type B person). I am starting to feel a little uncomfortable as I'm now suspecting that he's just trying to play around with me until his interest dies out. So for all I know, he could be cooking up all sorts of stories for his amusement. Yet I also refuse to believe that he would go through all this trouble just to have a moment of fun. I mean, I am not physically stunning and I did feel a real bond towards him at the very first time we met and talked about reading and writing. Okay, now that I have hopefully painted a picture of what is going on, my questions are these: (1) Am I getting paranoid or do I have valid reasons to be alarmed? I used to think I was a good judge of character, but now I'm starting to doubt myself. (2)Does he sound like a genuine person? (3)Is it consistent for him to be cracking jokes while claiming to be shy? Or could it be him trying to lighten the mood? As I said, all your comments would be more than welcome. I am looking forward to hearing them! [ 01-09-2002: Message edited by: mistral4543 ]

01-09-2002, 02:31 AM	#2
LennonCook Jack Burton Join Date: November 10, 2001 Location: Bathurst & Orange, in constant flux Age: 37 Posts: 5,452	My answer to anything of this nature is quite simple... remember that someone on the net can be anyone they want to be. Their character may be beleivable, or unbelievable depending on their acting skill and the genuinty (is that even a word ??) of the character. Thus, we cannot KNOW that they are who they claim to be... but you can always rely on TRUST. And whether or not u trust someone is ur decision, and one which u have probably already made subcontiously.

01-09-2002, 02:40 AM	#3
mistral4543 Ma'at - Goddess of Truth & Justice Join Date: September 5, 2001 Location: House of Freelight Age: 47 Posts: 3,159	Thanks, SookmaCook! I really want to trust him, and not live life being so cynical about others... and the only way to find out if they're sincere seems to be risking a little by opening up to them. Now I'm beginning to fully understand the meaning of "no pain, no gain." If I should be betrayed, I shall be striving to get over the pain and still try to maintain a more positive outlook. Looks like I'm going to need a lot of courage for this...

01-09-2002, 02:41 AM	#4
250 Horus - Egyptian Sky God Join Date: March 4, 2001 Location: either CA or MO Age: 42 Posts: 2,674	Mistral!! sooooooooooooooooo nice to see you posting here!! [img]graemlins/happywave.gif[/img] I just want to know how does he make you feel? my partner (not girlfriend now, just partner, but we share more than just friend... so it is confusing. I'd call her partner... anyway, lol ) always tell me that she feels I am playing with her because I make too many jokes, and I dont answer her questions right away. (I always ask her the same question that she asks me, because I remember some AD&D article said "a real baddass is the one that talks less, just look, any one who asks a question is going to get toasted." LOL, how naive of me... "AD&D tips for making out?") admittingly, she is insecure, but it also speaks that I need to get more serious and sincere on occasions. (I do that a lot hurt face) our relationship is just way too unique, so I cannot put it as an example here. but I am definitely hoping you the best, are you feeling thrilled? rolling eyes ok ok big smile I stop teasing you now, check him out a little longer maybe? time speaks all. my best wishs for you, Mistral! hugs

01-09-2002, 03:05 AM	#8
fable Quintesson Join Date: March 17, 2001 Location: Where I am. Posts: 1,089	This whole relationship-by-web thingee (to use the technical term) has its benefits and drawbacks, and one of the latter is not really knowing whom you're speaking with. In my day (he said, mouthing his gums, which tasted like tutty fruity) we met people through social events, acquaintances, red light districts and the like. There was less that a person in reallife could "stage manage" to make themselves semm wonderful than they can on the Internet. So maybe you could consider meeting this person in a public place for lunch, or dinner. Try it a few times, always in public. See if his facade cracks, and find out what lies within. Ask him a lot of questions, and find at least a few you can check on. Machiavellian? Sure! [img]smile.gif[/img] But if you want to know what he's like, these are time-tested methods. Well, these and marrying the guy, but divorces are messy and time-consuming. Try the other methods, first.

01-09-2002, 03:08 AM	#9
mistral4543 Ma'at - Goddess of Truth & Justice Join Date: September 5, 2001 Location: House of Freelight Age: 47 Posts: 3,159	Thanks for your support, 250! And Aelia, thanks so much for taking the time to present such a detailed analysis of the situation. I am really grateful for that!

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