07-03-2001, 09:54 PM | #1 |
Ninja Storm Shadow
Join Date: March 27, 2001
Location: Northport,Alabama, USA
Age: 62
Posts: 3,577
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Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a
sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway. ***** Martha's way #2: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time. My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag. ***** Martha's way #3: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes. My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year or just buy the frozen ones. ***** Martha's way #4: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling. My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway? ***** Martha's way #5: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing. My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs. ***** Martha's way #6: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop. My way: Eat out every night and avoid cooking. ***** Martha's way #7: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains. My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers. ***** Martha's way #8: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake. My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you. ***** Martha's way #9: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up." My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes. ***** Martha's way #10: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks. My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff. ***** Martha's way #11: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish. My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don't do it. ***** Martha's way #12: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it. My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"? ***** Martha's way #13: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness. My Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can. ***** Martha's way #14: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away. My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh. ***** Martha's way #15: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away. My way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore: it is because you are now blind. ***** Martha's way #16: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces. My way: Leftover wine? ***** Martha's way #17: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy. My way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it. ***** Martha's way #18: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water. My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the antibacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink. ***** Martha's way #19: Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer. * Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china. * Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets. * Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes. * Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary). My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once. ------------------ "the memories of a man in his old age, are deeds of a man in his prime" |
07-04-2001, 01:07 AM | #2 |
Guest
Posts: n/a
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ROFL John D.! I have been sitting here reading all the funnies you posted and I have to say that there is no way to pick any favorite for me, I loved them all!
Moni ------------------ |
07-04-2001, 01:45 AM | #3 |
Ironworks Moderator
Join Date: January 7, 2001
Location: Monroe, LA
Age: 60
Posts: 7,387
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#5, 15, and 17 were my favorites. I must have laughed out loud for two minutes straight (no exaggeration)...my wife came in to ask what I was laughing at. I could only point, and then she started guffawing too!
Thanks for the great laugh! |
07-04-2001, 06:02 AM | #4 |
Xanathar Thieves Guild
Join Date: January 8, 2001
Location: Charlotte,NC
Age: 60
Posts: 4,570
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Some excellent ideas you have John!!!! I shall implement some of them!
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07-04-2001, 06:11 AM | #5 | |
Zhentarim Guard
Join Date: June 4, 2001
Location: Los Angeles, CA USA
Posts: 340
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Leftover wine???
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07-04-2001, 06:39 AM | #6 |
Takhisis Follower
Join Date: January 7, 2001
Location: Mandurah, West Australia
Age: 60
Posts: 5,073
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Great stuff JD, I laughed my way down the page.
PS - I once heard a rumour about that celery stuff myself - do you think it really exists, and have we spelt the word right . ------------------ |
07-04-2001, 09:36 AM | #7 |
Unicorn
Join Date: May 17, 2001
Location: N/a
Posts: 4,222
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Well done you are one of the few posters that gets the famous
"Tiax's official badge of laughter". So without further ado,(ahem) I award this to John D harris. ------------------ "Tiax will rule all!Just ask him and you will see." Tiax, warmaster of clan HADB [This message has been edited by Sigmar (edited 07-04-2001).] [This message has been edited by Sigmar (edited 07-04-2001).] |
07-04-2001, 09:54 AM | #8 |
Emerald Dragon
Join Date: March 2, 2001
Location: Tennessee, U.S.A.
Age: 74
Posts: 996
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Thanks for posting this. I laughed all the way through it.
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07-04-2001, 12:25 PM | #9 |
20th Level Warrior
Join Date: April 9, 2001
Location: Dallas, Tx, USA
Age: 55
Posts: 2,830
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LOLSFHCSARLMSFLBP => LAUGHING OUT LOUD SO FREAKING HARD COFFEE SPOOGED AROUND ROOM LIKE MONEY SHOT FROM LOW BUDGET PORNO
ok, OK... you are on a ROLL, my man..... Ya know, i think our mom's were related... ------------------ The RudeDawg, known in these Forgotten Realms as Perin LightEyes "Let them come, Let them ALL come." -"Ender says, 'The enemy is down.' " [This message has been edited by RudeDawg (edited 07-04-2001).] |
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