Children, Parents and living arrangements.

Based on Saucemans thread, and a recent post there...I found myself wondering the following.

1. How long (or two what age) are the parents obligated to allow their children to live at home rent and responsibility free?

2. Do parents have a responsibility to force their kids out of the family home at some point (like mother birds pushing the chicks out of the nest).

3. Is there a point at which a parent does more harm to the child by shielding them from responsibility rather than thrusting them into the cold cruel world?
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I know that my ex, has 5 brothers..and all but one of them never really made it on their own..they stayed home and lived and some are still living there at age 32 and in their late 20's...they always seem to have beer and drug money, but can never pay their parents for food or expenses and forget about rent. Over the years these "boys" have trashed several of their parent's cars while DUI and the house has been reduced to ramshackle status (you can see right throught he house in places). Conversations with these parents have revealed that they believe that they are doing the right thing in helping their children survive with their troubles.

knowing the above, and having my own kids and having been raised int he household that I was...I have the following views.

1. Obligation of the parent ends at 18 (and high school graduation), but can be voluntarily extended for various humanitarian reasons or for college education.


2. Yes

3. yes

Come on America and the rest of the world, let me know what you think

[Timber Loftis]

I agree with you. If I am so lucky as to have kids, any expenditures and assistance they get beyond age 18 will be merit-based only. If they are willing to get an education, make good grades, and work hard at school and during summers, I will help all I can. If I am unable to pay for everything, the above list may also require them to get a job. I'm also pretty liberal, and would understand the need to party and cut loose upon occasion. All-in-all I think it's a reasonable stance.

My father and I have an unspoken contract. Though I am in lots of school loan debt, he helped along the way in significant ways, with money and otherwise. The contract is that I owe my children repayment for what he gave me. It's an agreement I can live with.

But, if there is no college, I will charge rent, and evict recalcitrant tenants.

[Albromor]

1. My children understand that at 18, once graduated from High School they will start paying rent.

2. Yes.

3. Yes. Parents are not called to enable but to guide and lend wisdom in order that our children can navigate life and hopefully make wise decisions.

Well TL and Alb. It seems we have much in common...I hope some of the younger folk will give their views and thoughts as well.

I think for financial reasons my kids will be required to work their way through college...I will help by feeding, clothing and if they desire sheltering them, Unlike you Timber Im not in the debt with my paretns that you are..I do however have a self imposed debt to take care of them if and when the time comes that it is necessary [img]smile.gif[/img]

I am currently allowing my company to pay for my college education Nothing like going to school on the company dime

[Stormymystic]

there have been times when I had no choice but to mov back home, When My husband and I seperated when I was pregnant with oour second child, I had no job and no way to make it on my own, I had to be put on 24 hour a day bed rest due to a thing called placenta previa, where the placenta detacthes from the wal to soon and covers the cervix, my parents did not want to have to take turns coming over and spending time, so we moved me back to their house, where I stayed until Christmas, when we got back together, I had a healthy girl, and everything was going great then, but right after I had my 3 child, my husband lost his job, and was out of work for 6 months, so we lost our home and had to move back in with my parents, at which time my husband changed jobs 3 times, then he got thisjob and we were able to moveback out on our own after 8 months of living with them [img]smile.gif[/img] we help them, they help us, that is what family is for

[Attalus]

Hm, I like TL's phrase, "merit-based." Yeah, my kids can live here, but they'll have to pay rent and contribute to the food budget. As to neatness, ha! they'll have to answer to Galadria, that's all I need to say.

[Paladin2000]

A point of view from an asian:

1. Until the child gets married. If the family is filthy rich and lived in large mansion, the children are encourage to stay with the family even after married.

2. When the children are ready to leave the "nest", they will do it themselves. Anyway, if the children decided to stay, they will have to provide support to the family in terms of money and effort.

3. There are no such thing as "shielding from responsibility". Adult children can stay with the parents but they would need to earn their own living and support the family. Asian (mainly Chinese) families promote the harmony of living with the parents and while taking care of the parents and siblings. After all, the parents devoted half of their lives to raise and provide the necessary education to their children.

Even if all the children decided to live on their own, they would have to share the responsibility of looking after their retired parents.

[Spelca]

Well, before I moved to Sweden I still lived at home with my mum. I didn't have to pay any rent or food money, because I studied at a university. Though I did also have a part-time job, so that I had my own pocket money and clothes money, and maybe some money to go on a vacation. But my mum did help me with buying school books, because those cost a fortune. And sometimes also with clothes, or any other time I didn't have money but needed it. I really hated asking my mum for money, but sometimes I had no choice. But I didn't go out partying with it, if that's what you think. [img]tongue.gif[/img] As I said, it was spent on books. [img]smile.gif[/img]

So I think that parents should take care for the child until they finished highschool, and then after that if they want to. When I have children, I know I'll want to help them, so I'd probably let them stay as long as they wanted. But only if they studied or had a job. Though in the latter case I'd want them to contribute to the rent and food money. [img]smile.gif[/img] But if they studied I wouldn't ask anything of them, and I'd even help them if they needed help, but only if they didn't go out drinking every night and spend money on alcohol - because if you have money for that, then you also have money for rent. [img]tongue.gif[/img]

[ 05-29-2003, 03:33 PM: Message edited by: Spelca ]

[Bungleau]

My answers:

1. 18, and voluntarily after that
2. yes... but when? I go more for pushing responsibility rather than departure.
3. yes. Starts very early... elementary school in some cases

From my perspective, a parent's job is to raise a child who will become a healthy, responsible adult. That means that the child should develop increasingly better life skills, from the basics (cooking, cleaning, etc.) to the advanced stuff (paying bills, managing finances, and so on).

As a parent, I want to protect my kids. I see a lot of what they do, and I can see the likely results (goofing around on a swing and fell off? well, duhh... [img]smile.gif[/img] ). But I also need to let them make mistakes so they can really learn from them.

I've seen too many families where the parents don't let the kids finish growing up. I went out with a girl once whose father did the taxes for everyone in the family. It wasn't because he was a knowledgeable tax person or anything like that; he'd just been doing it forever, and no one else knew how to do it. A lot of the cult-like organizations follow the same principals -- you aren't capable of doing it yourself, so I'll do it for you.

In some ways, it can be hard for a parent to acknowledge their kids have grown up. Call it "powdered butt syndrome" -- you can't really take anyone seriously whose butt you have powdered and put into a diaper. At 23, their "kid" is still young and needs their guidance and direction. If you ever want to have fun, ask the domineering parent what they were doing at the same age... odds are it's a whole lot more than they think their kid is ready for.

For reference, my dad thought I was too young when I got married (25). But when he was that age, as my mom pointed out, he'd been married three years and had two kids. Heck, I was a late bloomer compared to him!

[Epona]

Magik - I agree with you!
Ah well, stranger things have happened [img]tongue.gif[/img] I think [img]tongue.gif[/img]

Yes I agree it can be damaging for late teens/early 20s not to make their own way in the world.

I left college at 18, and from that point on I started paying a normal rent to my parents until I left home at the age of 19. Even before the age of 18 I was a responsible person. I worked part-time from age 16 while I was studying, and paid my parents a percentage of my small wage towards my upkeep, bought and cooked a lot of my own food, and looked after myself. I always helped out with chores around the house (including cooking twice a week from age 8 - my mum always encouraged me to cook as part of my responsibilities because I enjoyed it and had a bit of a talent for it, as well as the fact it helped her out with a chore she detested).

Because of that, I am and have always been a very self sufficient, independent, and responsible adult. I know I can look after myself. I also know that my parents will always help me out to the best of their abilities if I fall on hard times - for example I lived with them for 3 months last year when I would otherwise have been homeless. I hated having to rely on them during that period. They have also loaned me money recently, but I am determined I will pay it back when I can afford to - and they trust me to do it. I would feel guilty not doing so, because they could use that money when they retire in a few years, and I want them to have a good retirement after all those years of working to support me. If the situation were reversed I would help them out financially if I were able.

Now my mum would never have asked me to leave home! But I wanted to be independent. My younger bro is 29 and still lives with them. He pays rent, but he doesn't seem to me to be a very independent person - he doesn't cook for himself, do his laundry, or anything like that. Don't get me wrong, he is a lovely person, but I just don't see him coping well on his own - maybe I'm wrong about that though.

1. In the UK, parental legal obligation ends at 18 I think, although it is legal for a teenager to leave home at 16 if they wish. Most stay with their parents until 18 though, and if they go to university that may be extended in terms of financial assistance if the parents can afford it.

2. I think parents should strongly encourage their kids to get jobs at an appropriate age (mine did!) I think 'force' may be a little strong, but coercion I would agree with in terms of leaving home. That can be difficult in the UK because rent is so high, many people starting out in a job simply cannot afford to move out. But wherever possible, parents should ensure their kids become independent, but not to the extent of forcing them out on the street.

3. Yes it is harmful if kids of any age are not given any responsibility at all - parenting should largely be about turning helpless children into self sufficient adults, and should start from a young age and build up gradually. I believe it is stifling to overprotect a young adult.

[ 05-29-2003, 06:23 PM: Message edited by: Epona ]