The Stud. (Keldorn quest and other spoilers)

[Andraste]

[This started out as a few comments on Keldorn's family troubles, but I think I got a bit carried away]

The smoky air in the Copper Coronet was heavy with the smells of roasting meat, spilt beer and unwashed bodies (not all of them still alive). Alone at a table to one side sat Dheryk Bloodaxe, staring in silence at his untouched tankard. He was having second thoughts - an unusual occupation for the half-orc barbarian, who in keeping with the role-playing requirements of his class, rarely indulged in thinking at all. But the events of that day had shaken him, and he didn't mind admitting it.

A chorus of singing on the other side of the tavern ended in a peal of laughter. The unsettled sensation in Dheryk's stomach intensified at the sound. He glanced over nervously. Nalia had taught them a tedious song about a red flag. And they had all sung it. That would be bad enough, but then Nalia hadn't objected when Viconia changed the words, and they had all sung those as well - even Aerie! Although Dheryk suspected that the naïve elf didn't understand the significance of all the terms. However, the worldly-wise fighter-druid certainly would, and Jaheira had sung and laughed as loudly as the rest.

Who ever would have believed that the four of them could sit around a table for more than ten seconds without an argument breaking out? It definitely had not happened before. Aerie and Viconia had more than enough alignment and personality differences to prevent any sort of elf-bonding. Jaheira's grumbling about 'the balance' ought to have got on everyone's nerves, and Nalia's idiotic spouting on behalf of the poor was worse. Even when Imoen returned to the party, her incessant whining about her lost soul ought to put anyone off talking to her more than they could help.

Because if ever they did start to swap notes.... Dheryk cut off the thought and swallowed. His hands felt clammy. On that day's evidence, it might all get rather nasty.

He remembered how the idea had first occurred to him; when it had seemed like a bit of harmless fun. With those five, plus a few tweaks, mods and enhancements to keep everyone happy, he was all set for a themed party that he had named 'The Stud'. He had even worked out a little theme song, 'Dheryk's alright, Five times a night'. Although 'worked out' was maybe overstating the case slightly - he had borrowed the tune from another song, and hadn't though of any new lyrics yet.

A shadow fell across Dheryk's table, ending his brooding. He looked up. Towering above him was the crazed ranger. Dheryk gestured to one of the spare chairs, asking, "How's Keldorn doing? Were you able to help?"

Minsc sat down heavily - with his size, he could not sit in any other way. "I've done what I could, but I'm just a simple ranger. A couple of Cure Minor Wounds don't go far. He needs more help. I asked if he would like Boo to stay with him for company, but he said no. It is not a good sign when a paladin will say no to a hamster."

Dheryk nodded. 'Simple' was the right word. "Tomorrow, after you've rested, you can cast the spells again." Now Keldorn was out of the party, his health was no longer Dheryk's problem, but the half-orc was feeling guilty.

"We should get him to a priest."

"They cost money, and I'm a bit short." Which was true. Between the Shadow Thieves and the Adventurer's Mart, Dheryk had barely enough for the room rent.

Minsc's forehead creased in something approximating to thought. "I know Keldorn has said that he does not want to rejoin your party..."

"That's no surprise." Dheryk muttered under his breath.

"And Boo and I are very pleased that you have asked us to join you. But I wonder if I am the best choice." Minsc pointed over his shoulder. "I know that Anomen is looking for comrades. He is a cleric and would heal Keldorn for free if you took him on."

Dheryk took a deep breath. He did not want to go into the details of the current set-up, and explain that if Anomen joined the party, the conversation would soon be going places that he did not wish to contemplate, and there would be no way to set Anomen straight (so to speak). "Ummm.... No. Me and Anomen... we don't.... ah. Let's just say that he wouldn't work in the party

"So who is in the party?"

Tentatively, Dheryk answered by pointing at the table on the opposite side of the room.

"Hey, my old friend, Jaheira!" Then, like a golem collapsing in slow motion, the smile on Minsc's face dropped into a frown. "But... Jaheira is a druid. She knows many healing spells and..." The frown crumpled further into bewilderment. "And Viconia? A cleric? Why are they not with their fallen comrade; tending to his wounds; patching him up, right as rain? What is... what is going on?"

The memory made Dheryk's mouth feel dry. He took a deep swig from his tankard before answering. "They were the ones who attacked him."

"But why? Has Keldorn become a naughty paladin? Is that why he refused Boo?"

"No - it was just a stupid sub-quest. It happened earlier today. We entered the government quarter, and Keldorn said he wanted to visit his family. Nothing wrong with that, so we all trekked over. But when we got there, his wife told him that she'd been having an affair."

"Oh the fickle lady! She should be at her husband's side, shield to shield, sword arm by sword arm, both together putting their foot onto the buttocks of evil. Instead she abandons him in battle and slips off for the hanky-panky."

"Er...no. It wasn't quite like that. Keldorn's wife doesn't go adventuring with him."

"For shame! So she is not only unfaithful. She is also a coward who will not use her training to put the fear of all that is nice and true into the hearts of villains."

"She doesn’t have any military training."

"She is not a paladin?"

"No."

"Or a cleric?"

"No. She is just an ordinary person. Keldorn leaves her behind to look after the house and the children. He just wants her to be waiting for him whenever he turns up, and to look pretty on his arm when he goes to social events at the Radiant Heart."

"Ahh..." Minsc's face cleared. "He is perpetuating the patriarchal repression of women that is, by convention, anachronistically omitted by the role-playing community."

"You... what?" Dheryk's jaw dropped open.

"They are Boo's words, not mine. I got lost straight after the 'He is'. But if Boo says it, then it must be right."

"Sure." Dheryk banged himself a few times on the side of the head, hoping to knock his train of thought back on line. "Right. Well. Keldorn asked me who he should talk to - his wife or the lover. So I told him--"

"Wait." Minsc held up his hand. "Ooooh. Let me see if I can work this one out." For a long time the ranger's tattooed face was knotted in thought, but at last he declared, "He should talk to his wife."

"Of course. An idiot with half a brain could..." Dheryk paused, considering his own words. "Minsc, how did you work that out?"

"I asked myself, what would I do if Boo left me for another ranger? And yes, I would be mad. I would want to tear the other ranger limb from limb. But that would not be the right thing to do. I would be treating Boo like a stolen possession rather than my dearest companion. If Boo were to leave me, it would mean that I had not treated my little furry friend well. I should talk to Boo; find out what I had done wrong; promise to be a better ranger in future; maybe buy a few special hamster snacks to tempt Boo back. And it seems to me that a wife is not so different from a hamster..." Minsc frowned. "Except she would not store her dinner in her cheeks."

"Yes."

"Or want to play in a running wheel for hours."

"Right, Minsc"

"Or be able to lick her own--"

"YES, MINSC." Dheryk had to shout to stop the rambling ranger. All around the Copper Coronet, heads turned in their direction. Dheryk glared at them, until everyone had returned to minding their own business. "I've got the idea."

"So you told Keldorn to talk to his wife, right?"

"Um... no. Take it from me. It just wouldn't have turned out well."

"You didn't tell him to talk to the lover, did you?"

"I had to."

Minsc nodded slowly. "And the ladies in the party did not take this well?"

"No. Keldorn adding that he was going to have his wife sentenced to life imprisonment for the crime of not acting like his property didn't help. Divorcing her, or a couple of years in a nunnery would have been quite enough."

"And so, the other members of the party, they wanted to kill him?"

"I think they wanted to kill us both but..." Dheryk had the grace to look guilty. "I was wearing Boots of Speed. Keldorn wasn't."

****

A fresh round of drinks arrived at the table the other side of the tavern. After the waitress left, Aerie leaned forward and put her hand on the arm of the woman sitting next to her. "Viconia. I know that the two of us haven't always got on well. But I really want to thank you for lending me the Flail of Ages today."

Viconia waved her hand breezily. "Think nothing of it. The pleasure was mine."

"The bastard had it coming to him." Jaheira agreed as she picked up her tankard.

"I can't get over Dheryk's part in it." Nalia joined in. "I mean, so many times I've thought the man was a complete idiot, although I can never get myself to say it, but--"

She got no further, Aerie cut in excitedly. "So you've had that too? Sometimes he says really awful things to me, and I want to have nothing to do with him, but I just can't control the words that come out of my mouth."

Jaheira drew her breath in sharply. "Me too. He says something inane and I want to tell the jerk to go hang himself, but I end up gibbering 'walk with me awhile'. I thought Irenicus had been playing with my head, but none of you were in his dungeon."

"So what does it mean?" Aerie asked.

Jaheira met Viconia's eyes across the table. They were both veteran adventurers, and well able to put two and two together. "It means that someone is playing with the scripts."

Viconia spluttered something in drow that contained the word 'vith' several times. Her hand tightened about the shaft of the Flail of Ages and she leapt to her feet. However, before she could launch herself across the tavern, Nalia caught her hand. "Please. I don't think that Dheryk is worth the bother. I say we just kick the creep out of the party."

Viconia hesitated for a second. "Maybe. Or maybe I'll flatten him tomorrow, after I've had a good night's rest." She sat down again.

"Can we kick Dheryk out?" Aerie sounded confused. "After all, he's the player character."

Jaheira slumped down slightly in her chair, looking pensive. "It would need some serious work on the engine, but I've been living in this game long enough to know how it hangs together." Her eyes lifted to the blackened ceiling. "Yes... maybe we could."

"We'd need to find a suitable replacement for him." Nalia said.

Viconia frowned. "I don't know. If we rescue Imoen ourselves, we'll be more than covered for mage and cleric spells. And Imoen can just about do everything we need a thief for. Jaheira and I are alright at fighting...."

"But we could do with a bit more melee capability." Jaheira finished.

Aerie perked up. "When I was by the bar, I overheard someone saying that Mazzy Fentan might be available, out by Umar Hills. She is--"

Viconia interrupted. "Oh, no. Not a wanna-be paladin!" She appealed to Jaheira. "How many good-aligned people can we take in this party?"

"Viconia has a point. We must think of the balance." Jaheira said thoughtfully.

Nalia leaned forward. "Well, I admit I'm new to adventuring, and I know nothing about this Mazzy Fentan. But I'll bet you anything you like, that if we let her join the party, she'll never try to impress us by stuffing a rolled up sock in her codpiece."

The following lengthy silence was eventually broken by Viconia. "So... Umar hills next?"

Jaheira nodded. "Works for me."

[Leslie]

Bravo!

It's really fantastic what your imagination can do out of this magnificent game.

Thanks for sharing this with us.

[DragonSlayer25]

absolutely AMAZING!!

[Illumina Drathiran'ar]

Let me know when you have an opening in the position of New Best Friend, okay?

[Lord]

wow that was great. Is this gonna continue into a story?

[SixOfSpades]

It's the in-game/out-of-game juxstaposition that gets me. Well done!

[Armen]

that was very very good - not just internet sharing good just really good

nice writing too - i do a bit of editing for people so stuff often jars as i read it but that rolled along beautifully

thanks [img]smile.gif[/img]

[shadowhound]

"Ahh..." Minsc's face cleared. "He is perpetuating the patriarchal repression of women that is, by convention, anachronistically omitted by the role-playing community."

That had me laughing way too much, parents just gave me that weird look (I know that look well ) very good work, am hoping for a sequal .

[Dace De'Briago]

That is the best written fanwork I've ever read. GG.

[ 07-05-2004, 02:36 PM: Message edited by: Dace De'Briago ]