a friend has a problem

[RevRuby]

someone i know has a problematic hubby. he keeps spending money that doesn't exist. for valentines day he told her he spent $40 on her on auctions at ebay. she just found out he spent $71 on himself htere and didn't even look for something for her. they had a huge fight about something totally different but just as bad if not worse yesterday and now she has this to deal with. she has a $226 pay check all her own and wants to blow it on herself, as her money from her job was supposed to be the play money, not the bill money.

the problem yesterday is she just found out he's been flirting and leading on an ex of his over the internet. the ex wasn't interested but still talked to him. he had told her he broke up with the g/f who is now his wife. the ex is mad, the wife is mad, and all he can say is that he screwed up. he won't say that it's because his wife found out or because he is sorry.

she has asked me for advice. i'm not sure what to tell her. i have only been married 11 months (she's been married about the same) but i have no advice for her. she has a child with him, and has talked about trying to kill herself. a friend is going over to be with her, but she still wants advice. i dont; know what to tell her

[Timber Loftis]

Tell her to either kick him in the balls and whip him into shape or leave. Harsh, I know, but this a***ole was trying to court another woman and lying about the existence of his present relationship. I've never known a guy to do this who wouldn't take further steps down the same road.

[harleyquinn]

I'd also suggest to her that she gets her own bank account and put her money into there, seperate from the joint account she has from her husband. If nothing else, if she does leave him, she'll have the money in that account to live off of. It'll also protect her (I think) from having her husband from cleaning out the account of all her money and leaving.

[Timber Loftis]

Good call, Harley.

[RevRuby]

at the moment she has told him that he will be the one taking her out to spend her check, and he will watch as bills are disreguarded witht he same ease he has. considering they are all in his name it's not going to hurt her credit

[harleyquinn]

RevRuby,
I'm not sure that your theory is necessarily true. Now that they're married, I think that it could affect her credit. She may want to verify that she won't be hurting her credit before taking such a drastic action. She may find that she winds up hurting herself as well.
I don't know where to tell her to go, though, to find out that information.

[Cerek the Barbaric]

Timber is absolutely right. This guy is neither faithful nor responsible. It is only a matter of time before he will cheat on her. If he is already telling lies to her in the first 11 mos of marriage - it will only get worse as time goes on.

Suicide is never a solution. All that will do is leave their infant in the custody of this irresponsable excuse for a man. Not a very encouraging prospect. He admits that he "screwed up" - but only after he got caught by both parties. I can't help but wonder how "forthcoming" he would have been if the ex-wife accepted his offer. BTW - WHY did he and his ex-wife break up? Chances are, it is for the very same behavior he is still exhibiting.

Your friend should leave him now. He isn't going to change. Does she have family or friends that could take her in or help her out until she gets on her feet? That could be important.

harlequinn is also right on the money. She needs to establish an individual bank account without his name attached. If and when they get divorced, he won't be able to touch any money there...and she should still get half the money from the joint account.

I know this is a very frightening step for your friend to take - especially with an infant. But it is better to do it now before the situation progresses and his behavior becomes even worse. The longer she is with him, the harder it will be to leave....and the deeper he will dig them into the hole.

At the very least, she and the baby should move out for awhile. This may "shock" the guy enough to consider changing his behavior. Either way - it will reveal his true feelings for her. He can prove his love and commitment by sincerely asking her to come back and promising to "change his ways"...or he can prove that he has never really cared about her by threatening her. Sad to say, but I'm placing my money on the second option as being most likely.

[Timber Loftis]

Until I read Cerek's post, I didn't know about the suicide bit (skimmed over it).

You have a moral obligation to laugh and point at anyone who discusses suicide. Giving credibility to such inane drivel only encourages someone. If you are serious about it, you'll do it, NOT discuss it. I've seen way too many losers get way too much attention in my life by simply playing the suicide card.

Remember, Laugh and Point, and they'll get the point. Suicide is such a serious topic, anyone who brings it up deserves absolute ridicule.

[arion windrider]

she should get her own bank acct., find a good lawyer and leave the jerk...

[Cloudbringer]

Tell her to get her own bank account and a good lawyer lined up. In the meantime, if she really loves the guy and wants to salvage things, she might try finding a counselor (sometimes churches will have a qualified person on staff who will see the couple for free) and go from there. This would be especially important if she really was contemplating suicide.

Under no circumstances should she assume her credit is safe, either. Debts they incure while married, will be considered hers as well by most states. She needs to get help from a professional right away. I tend to agree with those who say it doesn't look very promising, though.

I'd advise her to get some information from a lawyer as to what she can and can't do (debts and such) if she does eventually plan to leave him.