Post your Redneck Jokes Here

Here is something I received today.

16 Ways To Tell If A Redneck Is Working At A Computer...


1) The mouse is referred to as a critter.

2) The keyboard is camouflaged.

3) There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

4) The password is, BUBBA.

5) The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

6) Windows 2000 has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.

7) Outgoing faxes have beer stains on them.

8) The printer goes real slow since Bubba don't read too fast.

9) Extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.

10) Menus all have Budweiser and Old Milwaukee options.

11) The monitor is up on blocks.

12) Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.

13) Deer jerky in the desk drawer.

14) Screen saver is Ned Beatty playing Dueling Banjos.

15) The six front keys have rotted out.

16) John Deere pocket protectors.


------------------
By Clanggedin. What does a Dwarf have to do to get a drink around here. Say hi to my lover Tess.


http://www.angelfire.com/rpg/evermeet

[AngelofDeath]

You forgot.....

I have a gunrack on my CPU

[RudeDawg]

ROTFLMAO!!!!!

LOLSFHKASARLMSFALBP !!!!!

BWA HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!

LOL

I have jerky in my desk.... I do.... I am the MexicanRedNeckDawg!!!!

------------------

[Moridin]

You might be a redneck if.......

Your house that is mobile, has more wheels then your car that is not!

------------------

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect from alphabet soup?

[SSJ4Sephiroth]

you forgot a few others: there are shotgun shells lodged into the A Drive. also, if there is a deer head mounted on the side of the CPU. and finally, all the songs in the playlist are performed by either Garth Brooks or Dolly Parton.

by the words of Eric Cartman: Rednecks piss me off (only true rednecks tho.)

------------------
I'll kidnap ya fer 100, reprogram ya fer 300, and kill ya fer 500! Oh come one! I'll throw in the killin' fer 250!

[Charean]

Thought I could contribute to the cause...

PERSONAL HYGIENE
----------------
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should
be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

Proper use of toiletries can forstall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of
finger foods.

Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette
lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same
goal and save hours. Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water
handy when using this method.


DINING OUT
----------
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and
pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. If
drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
fingers covering the label.

Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all,
their mobile home costs just as much as yours.


ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
-------------------------
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are.

Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where the injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.

If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.


DATING (Outside the Family)
---------------------------
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that
were stolen from a cemetery.

Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting
to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom
wall two years ago."

Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some
will say 10:00. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the
answer, it's the boy's responsibility to get her to school on
time. (If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall,
water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end
in frustration.)

Even if you can't get a date, avoid kidnapping. It's bad for your
reputation.


THEATER ETIQUETTE
-----------------
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up
immediately after the movie has ended.

Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have
proven they can't hear you.


WEDDINGS
--------
Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding? Not if you are the groom.

When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.

Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut.
A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but
also a proven fly deterrent.

For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty
appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes
for this special occasion.


DRIVING ETIQUETTE
-----------------
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is
loaded and the deer is in sight.

When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest
tires always has the right of way.

Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is
impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.

Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
----------------------
Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.

Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.

It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's
considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets,
especially if other people are around.

If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.

I DO work for food!




------------------

Defender for the Light -
Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?!?
Wandering Soul - Finding my life's calling is Bodhisattva
You are what your deep driving desire is; As your deep driving desire is, so is your will; As your will is so is your deed; As your deed is so is your destiny.
The Upanishads

Charean you had me rolling on the floor with those.

------------------
By Clanggedin. What does a Dwarf have to do to get a drink around here. Say hi to my lover Tess.


http://www.angelfire.com/rpg/evermeet

[Charean]

You might be a redneck if... (courtesy of jeff foxworthy's site...)

...your mother keeps a spitcup on the ironing board.
...someone asks to see your ID and you show `em your belt buckle.
...you smoked during your wedding.
...going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves shoes and a flashlight.
...you've ever had to haul a bucket of paint to the top of a water tower to defend your sister's honor.


------------------

Defender for the Light -
Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?!?
Wandering Soul - Finding my life's calling is Bodhisattva
You are what your deep driving desire is; As your deep driving desire is, so is your will; As your will is so is your deed; As your deed is so is your destiny.
The Upanishads

[Charean]

The Redneck Guide to Dating Etiquette
by Sandy Lindsey

1. Do not enter your date in a female mud-wrestling contest without asking her permission.

2. Do not refer to your hunting dog as "the other woman in your life."

3. Do not mention your UFO abduction experiences until at least the third date.

4. Do not expect a woman wearing a dress to be happy about climbing into a truck with tires that are taller than she is. Be sure to warn her to wear jeans.

5. Your favorite faded Dukes of Hazard t-shirt should be saved for the fifth or more date, unless, of course, it's the only clean shirt you have.

6. If the woman drives, never, ever try to get away with spitting tobacco down the side of your seat on the hope that she won't notice. She's not like your slobbering fishing buddies, so you must always roll down your window when you need to spit.

7. Never compare her figure to that of a Coors can, even if you're trying to tell her that she's real sleek.

8. Deep Woods Off! is not a substitute for deodorant.

9. Never tell a woman straight out that you can't have her name tatooed on you because your Mom, who is so proud of your bicep bearing her name, would be psychotically jealous.

10. Do not invite a woman to go cow-tipping if she's wearing high heels.



------------------

Defender for the Light -
Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?!?
Wandering Soul - Finding my life's calling is Bodhisattva
You are what your deep driving desire is; As your deep driving desire is, so is your will; As your will is so is your deed; As your deed is so is your destiny.
The Upanishads

[Charean]

http://rinkworks.com/dialect/

For those who need translations, doncha know?

------------------

Defender for the Light -
Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?!?
Wandering Soul - Finding my life's calling is Bodhisattva
You are what your deep driving desire is; As your deep driving desire is, so is your will; As your will is so is your deed; As your deed is so is your destiny.
The Upanishads