For your protection...

Bungleau · 07-06-2005, 04:17 PM

A friend of mine passed this along, and he doesn't know who the original author is. Or so he claims... In any case, someone else gets credit for it. I simply pass it along...

I don't think it deserves a language warning, but it might... consider yourself warned.

*****

Dear Friends,

My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to! "Well, I have outdone myself once again." No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the near future. Here goes...

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled.) I bought something really cool for Toni. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low-amperage electricity while you flee to safety.

The effects are supposed to be short-lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250-lb, tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing!

I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc.

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh-and-blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time.

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy bitsy AAA batteries), thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"

Friggin' way -- trust me. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'lldo my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button,and HOLY **************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!!; I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly. SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. I miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.

Bozos of Bones · 07-06-2005, 05:05 PM

ROFLMAO!
I have nothing to say except... ROFLMAO!

Ladyzekke · 07-06-2005, 05:37 PM

OMG that was hilarious!!!! I mean I'm glad the guy is OK, but that's one of the funniest things I've ever read LOL. His descriptions of the entire thing were written perfectly.

Oh and weird re his glasses on the mantle LOL, must have been one heck of a whiplash! [img]graemlins/hehe.gif[/img]

Q'alooaith · 07-06-2005, 06:05 PM

Ouch, though I'm sure the loss of his testies has been a vast improvment.

robertthebard · 07-06-2005, 07:19 PM

Not sure if it's an improvement, but it does give me a glimmer of hope for the rest of the human race, that he can't reproduce any more...

Bozos of Bones · 07-06-2005, 07:45 PM

Just FYI, when you experience a longterm(5 seconds and more) electrical shock, your testicles are pulled upwards into the pelvis. They fall back down after a time, anything from a few hours to a week. So no, this guy isn't getting any Darwin awards

Bungleau · 07-06-2005, 11:40 PM

Now I've learned something new on this thread... something I hope to never have the opportunity to verify [img]smile.gif[/img]

Iron Greasel · 07-07-2005, 03:34 AM

It was hilarious. Mere words are not enough.

Felix The Assassin · 07-07-2005, 09:50 PM

Me thoughts folks from the Wilds of Michigan had a tad mere more sense than that.

That sounds like a Billy Bob Thorton, Fire Marshall Bill, escapade to me.

A good'ern no doubt!

Cloudbringer · 07-08-2005, 01:18 PM

Just saw this and can't stop chuckling....this guy wins an award, but I think it's for total lack of sense, common or otherwise. OUCH!

07-06-2005, 04:17 PM	#1
Bungleau 40th Level Warrior Join Date: October 29, 2001 Location: Western Wilds of Michigan Posts: 11,752	A friend of mine passed this along, and he doesn't know who the original author is. Or so he claims... In any case, someone else gets credit for it. I simply pass it along... I don't think it deserves a language warning, but it might... consider yourself warned. *** Dear Friends, My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to! "Well, I have outdone myself once again." No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the near future. Here goes... Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled.) I bought something really cool for Toni. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low-amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short-lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250-lb, tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh-and-blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time. So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy bitsy AAA batteries), thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin' way -- trust me. But I'm getting ahead of myself. What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'lldo my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?) I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button,and HOLY **********! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!!; I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly. SON-OF-A-*** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. I miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back. __________________ B Save Early, Save Often Save Before, Save After Two-Star General, Spelling Soldiers -+-+-+ Give 'em a hug one more time. It might be the last.

07-06-2005, 05:05 PM	#2
Bozos of Bones Apophis Join Date: July 29, 2003 Location: The Underdark cavern of Zagreb Age: 37 Posts: 4,679	ROFLMAO! I have nothing to say except... ROFLMAO! __________________ MAKE LOVE, NOT SPAM!

07-06-2005, 05:37 PM	#3
Ladyzekke Ironworks Atomic Moderator Join Date: January 7, 2001 Location: Virginia, U.S.A. Age: 57 Posts: 9,005	OMG that was hilarious!!!! I mean I'm glad the guy is OK, but that's one of the funniest things I've ever read LOL. His descriptions of the entire thing were written perfectly. Oh and weird re his glasses on the mantle LOL, must have been one heck of a whiplash! [img]graemlins/hehe.gif[/img] __________________ Reality Show Recaps

07-06-2005, 06:05 PM	#4
Q'alooaith Emerald Dragon Join Date: December 10, 2003 Location: UK Age: 40 Posts: 961	Ouch, though I'm sure the loss of his testies has been a vast improvment. __________________ -Jenn

07-06-2005, 07:19 PM	#5
robertthebard Xanathar Thieves Guild Join Date: March 17, 2001 Location: Wichita, KS USA Age: 60 Posts: 4,537	Not sure if it's an improvement, but it does give me a glimmer of hope for the rest of the human race, that he can't reproduce any more... __________________ To those we have lost; May your spirits fly free. Good Music: Here. Interesting read, one of my blogs.

07-06-2005, 07:45 PM	#6
Bozos of Bones Apophis Join Date: July 29, 2003 Location: The Underdark cavern of Zagreb Age: 37 Posts: 4,679	Just FYI, when you experience a longterm(5 seconds and more) electrical shock, your testicles are pulled upwards into the pelvis. They fall back down after a time, anything from a few hours to a week. So no, this guy isn't getting any Darwin awards __________________ MAKE LOVE, NOT SPAM!

07-06-2005, 11:40 PM	#7
Bungleau 40th Level Warrior Join Date: October 29, 2001 Location: Western Wilds of Michigan Posts: 11,752	Now I've learned something new on this thread... something I hope to never have the opportunity to verify [img]smile.gif[/img] __________________ B Save Early, Save Often Save Before, Save After Two-Star General, Spelling Soldiers -+-+-+ Give 'em a hug one more time. It might be the last.

07-07-2005, 03:34 AM	#8
Iron Greasel Fzoul Chembryl Join Date: July 13, 2004 Location: Finland Age: 35 Posts: 1,701	It was hilarious. Mere words are not enough. __________________

07-07-2005, 09:50 PM	#9
Felix The Assassin The Dreadnoks Join Date: September 27, 2001 Location: Orlando, FL Age: 61 Posts: 3,608	Me thoughts folks from the Wilds of Michigan had a tad mere more sense than that. That sounds like a Billy Bob Thorton, Fire Marshall Bill, escapade to me. A good'ern no doubt! __________________ The Lizzie Palmer Tribute Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe to assure the survival and the success of liberty. John F. Kennedy 35th President of The United States The Last Shot Honor The Fallen Jesus died for our sins, and American Soldiers died for our freedom. If you don't stand behind our Soldiers, please feel free to stand in front of them.

07-08-2005, 01:18 PM	#10
Cloudbringer Ironworks Moderator Join Date: March 1, 2001 Location: Upstate NY USA Posts: 19,737	Just saw this and can't stop chuckling....this guy wins an award, but I think it's for total lack of sense, common or otherwise. OUCH! __________________ "Don't take life for granted." Animal (may he rest in peace)

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