DragonMage's Flying Circus

heh! I loved that cheese sketch

I'm sure I've met shopkeepers like that too

[Melusine]

Originally posted by skywalker: I've always loved the Oscar Wilde sketch. Mark

Me too It's just so spot on w/r/t the characters, hitting the exactly right tone... really quite amazing. It wouldn't surprise me at all if it'd happened for real

[Zidane]

Caw

Wot about the parrot sketch?

You have got to post the parrot sketch.

Lady Zidane

[skywalker]

I always felt that would be the way they would act, with trying to get "one-up" at the expense each other in front of the Prince.

Mark

[Melusine]

Originally posted by Zidane: Caw Wot about the parrot sketch? You have got to post the parrot sketch. Lady Zidane

I think he already did [img]smile.gif[/img]
This is not the first MP thread Skywalker's posted....

Maybe you can find it again, Mark, or find the earlier posts? [img]smile.gif[/img]

[skywalker]

Originally posted by Zidane: Caw Wot about the parrot sketch? You have got to post the parrot sketch. Lady Zidane

I am trying to post ones that I hadn't posted last year (I think I did post Cheese Shop last time, but since DragonMage seemed to be requesting it, I just couldn't ignore her!)

And since you DID ask for it Lady Zidane, so be it:

Dead Parrot

The cast:

MR. PRALINE
John Cleese
SHOP OWNER
Michael Palin

The sketch:

A customer enters a pet shop.
Mr. Praline: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

(The owner does not respond.)

Mr. Praline: 'Ello, Miss?

Owner: What do you mean "miss"?

Mr. Praline: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

Owner: We're closin' for lunch.

Mr. Praline: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?

Mr. Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!

Owner: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.

Mr. Praline: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

Owner: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!

Mr. Praline: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.

Owner: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!

Mr. Praline: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you show...

(owner hits the cage)

Owner: There, he moved!

Mr. Praline: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!

Owner: I never!!

Mr. Praline: Yes, you did!

Owner: I never, never did anything...

Mr. Praline: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

(Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

Mr. Praline: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.

Owner: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!

Mr. Praline: STUNNED?!?

Owner: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.

Mr. Praline: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.

Owner: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.

Mr. Praline: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?

Owner: The Norwegian Blue prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!

Mr. Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.

(pause)

Owner: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

Mr. Praline: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!

Owner: No no! 'E's pining!

Mr. Praline: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!

(pause)

Owner: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of parrots.

Mr. Praline: I see. I see, I get the picture.

Owner: I got a slug.

(pause)

Mr. Praline: Pray, does it talk?

Owner: Nnnnot really.

Mr. Praline: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?

Owner: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)

Mr. Praline: Well.

(pause)

Owner: (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to come back to my place?

Mr. Praline: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.

Alternate ending:

Mr. Praline: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it talk?
Owner: Nnnnot really.

Mr. Praline: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?

Owner: Look, if you go to my brother's pet shop in Bolton, he'll replace the parrot for you.

Mr. Praline: Bolton, eh? Very well.

(The customer leaves.)

(The customer enters the same pet shop. The owner is putting on a false moustache.)

Mr. Praline: This is Bolton, is it?

Owner: (with a fake mustache) No, it's Ipswitch.

Mr. Praline: (looking at the camera) That's inter-city rail for you.

(Mr Praine goes to the train station. He addresses a man standing behind a desk marked "Complaints".)

Mr. Praline: I wish to complain, British-Railways Person.

Attendant: I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS JOB, YOU KNOW!!!

Mr. Praline: I beg your pardon...?

Attendant: I'm a qualified brain surgeon! I only do this job because I like being my own boss!

Mr. Praline: Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?

Attendant: Yeah, well it's not easy to pad these python files out to 150 lines, you know.

Mr. Praline: Well, I wish to complain. I got on the Bolton train and found myself deposited here in Ipswitch.

Attendant: No, this is Bolton.

Mr. Praline: (to the camera) The pet shop man's brother was lying!!

Attendant: Can't blame British Rail for that.

Mr. Praline: In that case, I shall return to the pet shop!

He does.

Mr. Praline: I understand this IS Bolton.

Owner: (still with the fake mustache) Yes?

Mr. Praline: You told me it was Ipswitch!

Owner: ...It was a pun.

Mr. Praline: (pause) A PUN?!?

Owner: No, no...not a pun...What's that thing that spells the same backwards as forwards?

Mr. Praline: (Long pause) A palindrome...?

Owner: Yeah, that's it!

Mr. Praline: It's not a palindrome! The palindrome of "Bolton" would be "Notlob"!! It don't work!!

Owner: Well, what do you want?

Mr. Praline: I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any longer as I think this is getting too silly!

Sergeant-Major: Quite agree, quite agree, too silly, far too silly... (takes customer by the arm) Come on, you, you've got to go do another sketch now! Come on... (he walks off stage left, followed by the director and cameramen, leaving the owner alone on the set)

Owner: (to the audience) Well! I never wanted to do this in the first place. I wanted to be... a lumberjack!

(he takes off his white lab coat to reveal a checkered shirt and suspenders under it)

Floating down the mighty rivers of British Columbia! With my best girl by my side!...

Sketch continues into the Lumberjack Song.

Mark

failing that, however, here it is:
[img]smile.gif[/img]

A customer enters a pet shop.

Customer: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

(The owner does not respond.)

C: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
C: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
O: We're closin' for lunch.
C: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I
purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
O: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
C: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's
wrong with it!
O: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
C: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking
at one right now.
O: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian
Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!
C: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
O: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
C: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up!
(shouting at the cage)
'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if
you show...(owner hits the cage)
O: There, he moved!
C: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!
O: I never!!
C: Yes, you did!
O: I never, never did anything...
C: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!!
Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

(Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up
in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

C: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.
O: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
C: STUNNED?!?
O: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues
stun easily, major.
C: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this.
That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour
ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein'
tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.
O: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.
C: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why
did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
O: The Norwegian Blue prefers kippin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit,
squire? Lovely plumage!
C: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home,
and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in
the first place was that it had been NAILED there.

(pause)

O: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down,
it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and
VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
C: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts
through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
O: No no! 'E's pining!
C: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased
to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft
of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be
pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off
the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run
down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!
THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!

(pause)

O: Well, I'd better replace it, then.
(he takes a quick peek behind the counter)
O: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're
right out of parrots.
C: I see. I see, I get the picture.
O: I got a slug.

(pause)

C: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it talk?
O: Nnnnot really.
C: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
O: Look, if you go to my brother's pet shop in Bolton, he'll replace
the parrot for you.
C: Bolton, eh? Very well.

The customer leaves.

The customer enters the same pet shop. The owner is putting on a false
moustache.

C: This is Bolton, is it?
O: (with a fake mustache) No, it's Ipswitch.
C: (looking at the camera) That's inter-city rail for you.

The customer goes to the train station.
He addresses a man standing behind a desk marked "Complaints".

C: I wish to complain, British-Railways Person.
Attendant: I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS JOB, YOU KNOW!!!
C: I beg your pardon...?
A: I'm a qualified brain surgeon! I only do this job because I like
being my own boss!
C: Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?
A: Yeah, well it's not easy to pad these python files out to 200 lines,
you know.
C: Well, I wish to complain. I got on the Bolton train and found myself
deposited here in Ipswitch.
A: No, this is Bolton.
C: (to the camera) The pet shop man's brother was lying!!
A: Can't blame British Rail for that.
C: In that case, I shall return to the pet shop!

He does.

C: I understand this IS Bolton.
O: (still with the fake mustache) Yes?
C: You told me it was Ipswitch!
O: ...It was a pun.
C: (pause) A PUN?!?
O: No, no...not a pun...What's that thing that spells the same backwards
as forwards?
C: (Long pause) A palindrome...?
O: Yeah, that's it!
C: It's not a palindrome! The palindrome of "Bolton" would be "Notlob"!!
It don't work!!
O: Well, what do you want?
C: I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any longer as I think
this is getting too silly!

Sergeant-Major: Quite agree, quite agree, too silly, far too silly...

[skywalker]

Originally posted by Melusine: I think he already did [img]smile.gif[/img] This is not the first MP thread Skywalker's posted.... Maybe you can find it again, Mark, or find the earlier posts? [img]smile.gif[/img]

I tried to find them via the search engine, but found nothing.

Maybe they are archived?

Mark

[skywalker]

And now:

'It's the Arts' / (Interview with Sir Edward Ross)

The cast:

ANNOUNCER
Eric Idle
HOST
John Cleese
SIR EDWARD ROSS
Graham Chapman

The sketch:

Announcer: Good evening and welcome to another edition of It's the Arts. And we kick off this evening with Cinema.
Host: Good evening. One of the most prolific film directors of this age, or indeed of any age, is Sir Edward Ross, back in his native country for the first time for five years to open a season of his works at the National Film Theatre, and we are indeed fortunate to have him with us in this studio tonight.

Ross: Good evening.

Host: Edward... you don't mind if I call you Edward?

Ross: No, not at all.

Host: Because it does worry some people - I don't know why - but they are a little sensitive so I take the precaution of asking on these occasions.

Ross: No, that's fine.

Host: So Edward's all right. Splendid. I'm sorry to have brought it up.

Ross: No, no, please. Edward it is.

Host: Well thank you very much for being so helpful. And it's more than my job's worth to, er...

Ross: Yes, quite.

Host: Makes it rather difficult to establish a rapport - put the other person at his ease...

Ross: Quite.

Host: Silly little point but it does seem to matter. Still, er, least said the better. Ted, when you first started you... I hope you don't mind if I call you Ted, er, I mean as opposed to Edward?

Ross: No, no, everyone calls me Ted.

Host: Well of course it's shorter, isn't it.

Ross: Yes it is.

Host: And much less formal!

Ross: Yes, Ted, Edward or anything!

Host: Thank you. Um, incidentally, do call me Tom. I don't want you bothering with this 'Thomas' nonsense! Ha ha ha ha! Now where were we? Ah yes. Eddie Baby, when you first started in the...

Ross: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but I don't like being called "Eddie Baby".

Host: What?

Ross: I don't like being called "Eddie Baby".

Host: (pause) Did I call you "Eddie Baby"?

Ross: Yes, you did! Now if you could get on with the interview...

Host: I don't think I did call you "Eddie Baby".

Ross: You did!

Host: Did I call him "Eddie Baby"?

(Audience murmurs of 'yes' etc.)

Host: I didn't really call you "Eddie Baby", did I, sweetie?

Ross: Don't call me "sweetie"!

Host: Can I call you "sugar plum"?

Ross: No.

Host: "Pussycat"?

Ross: No!

Host: "Angel drawers"?

Ross: No you may not! Get on with it!

Host: Can I call you "Frank"?

Ross: (suspiciously) Why "Frank"?

Host: It's a nice name. Richard Nixon's got a hedgehog called Frank.

Ross: What IS going on?

Host: Now Frank -- Fran -- Frannie -- little Frannie-pooh...

Ross: No. I'm leaving. I'm off. I'm going. I've never... (exits)

Host: (loudly) Tell us about your latest film, Sir Edward.

Ross: (nearly offstage) What?

Host: Tell us about your latest film, Sir Edward, if you'd be so very kind.

Ross: None of this "Pussycat" nonsense?

Host: Promise. (Pats seat next to him.) Please, Sir Edward.

Ross: My latest film?

Host: Yes, Sir Edward.

Ross: Well the idea, funnily enough, is based on an idea I had when I first joined the industry in 1919. Of course, in those days I was only the tea boy and...

Host: Oh shut up!

Mark

[Ar-Cunin]

LMAO [img]graemlins/biglaugh.gif[/img]

Those were the good times

Anyone got the spanish inquisition?