My Dragon Story CH1

[Tom]

Dragon Hunters

A New Dragon

There was a wizard from the land of Yastoneist. The wizard was a young boy, only 17. He was intense in his wizardry training. He studied the Conjurers ways. He was also curious of alteration. When his training was done, at the age of 29, he decided to use some of his magic.
He conjured animals, then monsters, then ogres, then golems, and then he decided upon something bigger. He banished his minions to hell. He created a dragon hatchling. As soon as the dragon came into existence, he altered the hatchling to a different species of dragon. It was called a Brain Dragon. He altered its abilities. He gave the dragon the ability to teleport whenever he wants, the ability to instant invisibility, the ability to psionicly dominate the minds of anything with a mind, and the ability to gain any ability once per year.
The wizards name was Polcerius. The brain dragon was under Polcerius’s full control. He decided to show the world his creation, but little did Polcerius know, he only had 97% control over the dragon. It seems that Polcerius did not take enchantment lessons as serious as his conjuring lessons. The dragon pounced out of Polcerius’s control and teleported away. Polcerius seemed to have started something bad.
Polcerius followed the dragon’s teleporting door to where the dragon had gone. The Dragon was destroying the city of Gethol. He took full control over the minds off any threat. Polcerius decided to make some strategies to conquer the dragon. He made some mindless minions. He made an Iron Golem. The Iron Golem did the standard attack against the Dragon. The dragon seemed to have made the ability, Insert Brain. He inserted a brain into the golem and added it to his minions. But Polcerius just banished the Golem. Polcerius decided to use mind against mind. He created some Illithids. He made an army to attack the dragon. They all attacked, but the dragon’s brain could not be affected by draining. So the Illithids decided to control the brain of the dragon. The Illithids had control, but for only two seconds, the dragons mind was too much to handle for the Illithids.
Polcerius knew he was too weak for the dragon. So he teleported away, too go too find help.


So what do you think? Should I change anything?


------------------


Coffee anyone?

[AzureWolf]

I have a few suggestions to make:
1) You have to make the story more drawn out it sounds more like a battle report of a game a the moment. sounds impersonal. You need to do it from a perspective either third person or another type.
But they are just suggestions, so keep going with the story and keep posting up here on GD

------------------


"I was born of darkness. My fathers eyes closed before mine opened. I am not of this world or the other, and I have the right to be what I am..."

[Memnoch]

Keep it going.

One tip - don't capitalize words like dragon, iron golem or illithid as they don't need to be.

Let us know how you go.

------------------

[Fljotsdale]

Well, Tom, what you have there is the basic outline of quite a long story. But that is what it is - an OUTLINE. You have a nice sequence of events to build on.
You now need to divide it up into bits that will be the basis for the chapters of the story, then write each chapter...
Hope this is not off-putting, 'cos you have some good ideas there if you can take the time to work them out.

------------------
Smile! Life is too short for bitching!

Fljotsdale

[Dreamer128]

Don't feel bad if it doesn't works the first time.
If been writing for years and i still don't always get it right.