Pun Warning!

[Vaskez]

If you knew the pun was coming (I mean you supplied a warning), why didn' you umm...just avoid it i.e. not post it?

[VulcanRider]

I apologize if you've heard these before. Actually I apologize for making you read them now...
================================================
Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary. A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with an infamous underworld figure who went by the name of Artie. Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.00. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The husband opened up his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed. A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local supermarket. There, he surprised her in the Fruit and Veg Department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the Manager of the Fruit and Veg department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene.

Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the Manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's Security Guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband. And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:-

ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SUPERMARKET

================================================
A guy, working at a car dealership, sees the door to the shop open a few inches, then close. Wondering what is going on, he notices a snail on the floor making his way over to him. About an hour later the snail makes it to him, looks up and says "How much for one of these Cadillacs?" The salesman tells him. The snail asks "How about if I want a custom paint job?". The sales pulls out his calculator, hits a few buttons and tells the snail the price. The snail nods and starts to leave the shop. About an hour later he makes it to the door, the door opens an inch, closes and the snail is gone.

A couple of days later the salesman notices the door open a few inches again and sees the snail coming in dragging a wallet. He walks over and picks up the wallet. Inside is all the money for the car and the piant job. The snail says "For the paint, I want a big "S" on the hood and trunk, and smaller "S"'s all down the sides". The snail is about to leave when the salesman asks "Why the special paint job".

The snails says "You know, snails are considered pretty low on the social scale. Nobody thinks very highly of us. So I want to drive this car down the main drag and watch all the people say

'Hey ... look at that "S" car go'"

================================================
A Mushroom comes home from his first semester at college. He and his dad are sitting out on the front porch having a cold one and chatting about school.

The dad turns to his son and says "So have you gotten laid yet son?"

To which the young mushroom replies "no dad, and I don't understand why. None of the girls will even talk to me." It just doesn't make any sense, after all....

After all... I'm a real fungi (fun guy)

[Arvon]

Vulcan! *sigh* I'm glad I didn't find any of those first!