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Old 11-15-2003, 06:19 PM   #1
Spirits forever
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hey check this out this is my poem and i just need some C&c to make it better or keep it this way here goes...


Fly to the underworld
my lord
To you my life was sold
my king
but my hear is scolded
by your death, it stings.
--------------------------
Singing the ssong of horrors
it puts my peers in pain
captured them forever
all my efforts in vain
----------------------------
Now i live a life of misery
with the song o'demise
flaws that show no wisery
Omens that prove to be wise.
---------------------------------
A king killed in battle,
Hath gotten not a funeral
Pinned on his own saddle
he was spared not a second, nor an hour
hath i not placed that flower
his restless spirit
would be back in the living to devour.

[ 11-17-2003, 09:10 PM: Message edited by: Spirits forever ]
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Old 11-19-2003, 05:56 PM   #2
Zuvio
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Join Date: May 19, 2002
Location: Blessed are those who are not....
Age: 42
Posts: 2,556

I'm an arse, I know, but what's C&C? Can't help thinking about command & conquer...
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Old 11-21-2003, 11:04 PM   #3
Spirits forever
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C&C MEans compliments and critic
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Old 11-22-2003, 01:17 AM   #4
/)eathKiller
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Join Date: January 5, 2002
Location: Guantanamo Bay, Cuba
Age: 39
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Great stuff! Keep 'em commin'

You have two ss int the first line of the second poem. Unless you want it to sound like a snake person is saying it, like a Yuan-ti... In which case, keep it as it is [img]tongue.gif[/img]
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Old 11-22-2003, 02:01 AM   #5
Ziroc
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Posts: 11,722
Good stuff! More! [img]smile.gif[/img]
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Old 11-22-2003, 05:14 PM   #6
Spirits forever
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Supposed to have only one s sorry for the confusion
heh.. well since this first one turned out good and glad you guys liked it, i'll have more by thanks giving for sure...
until then i'm loaded with Home work...
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Old 11-22-2003, 07:12 PM   #7
Stormymystic
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Join Date: April 8, 2003
Location: Arkansas
Age: 48
Posts: 4,442
I agree, it was good [img]smile.gif[/img] the only thing I see is what DK pointed out
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