Joke World 04-01-09

[Arvon]

And here we go again...


While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument, their two five-year-old boys were getting acquainted.

"My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Adam," replied the second.

"My daddy is a doctor. What does your daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua.

Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Joshua.

"No, just the regular kind," replied Adam.

[Timber Loftis]

/smack Arvon

[Arvon]

Sarcastically speaking, I dare you to do some of the things found on my top ten list.

10. Pull into a gas station and use the window washer to wash your entire car.

9. Ask a bank teller to break a $100 bill for you. Then when asked how you want it done say, “in hundreds”.

8. Call a political candidate’s campaign office and ask them for a donation to your non-candidacAy.

7. Ask a security guard how it feels knowing that in all the action movies the security guards are always the first to die.

6. When you get credit card offers in the mail, stuff the prepaid envelopes with toilet paper and mail them back. (whether you use new or used toilet paper is totally up to you.)

5. Call your bank and ask them to add your checking account onto the $700 billion government bail out plan.

4. Find someone who is big into worrying about the threat of global warming, remind them of their own carbon dioxide and body heat contribution to the planet, and ask them to stop it.

3. Ask a judge if you can get away with murder as long as you can convince a jury of your peers ahead of time that it is justified.

2. Send a bill to every TV station, radio station, cell phone company, and satellite company, charging them an “access fee” for the waves they broadcast through your property. If they refuse payment, charge them with trespassing.

And the #1 Sarcastic Dare…

1. Circulate a petition to put “intelligent human beings” on the endangered species list.

[Arvon]

Harry answers the telephone and it's an Emergency Room doctor.

The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, & I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms & both legs, & will need help eating & going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"

The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

[Arvon]

A bit PG...



A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do", the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"

[Arvon]

Unusual Laws

"No clergyman shall tell a funny story from the pulpit" (West Virginia).


In Atlanta, GA, it is illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.


Federal law forbids recycling used eyeglasses in the United States.


Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.


Elephants may not be used to plow cotton fields. (North Carolina)


"Dancing cheek-to-cheek is prohibited" (California).


It was proposed in the Rhode Island legislature in the 1970s that there be a $2 tax on every act of sexual intercourse.


"It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing." (Texas)


An ancient law in Indonesia prohibited men from masturbating. The punishment was decapitation.


It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. (Alabama)


In ancient Rome, people found guilty of murdering their fathers were executed in a bizarre manner. The punishment was to be put in a sack with a rooster, a viper, and a dog, then drowned along with all three animals.


In Colombia, if a Goajiro woman is successful in tripping a man during a ceremonial dance, he's required to have intercourse with her.


When gentlemen in medieval Japan wished to seal an agreement, they urinated together, crisscrossing their streams of urine.


In Arkansas, law states that the name must be pronounced "Arkansaw".


Early in 1975, the U.S. Senate actually voted on the following:
"A motion to table a motion to reconsider a vote to table an appeal of a ruling that a point of order was not in order against a motion to table another point of order against a motion to bring to a vote the motion to call up the resolution that would institute a rules change."


It's illegal in Newcastle, WY to have sex in a butcher shop's meat freezer.


"It is illegal to give a drink of water to anyone unless you have a permit" (New York).


"It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water." (Arizona)


It is illegal to hunt camels in the state of Arizona.


In July 1981, a tortoise was sentenced to death for murder. Tribal elders in Kyuasini, a village in Kenya, formally condemned the tortoise because they suspected it of causing the death of six people, apparently through magic. However, because none of the villagers was prepared to risk the tortoise's wrath by carrying out the execution, it was instead chained to a tree. The tortoise was later freed after the government promised an official inquiry into the deaths.


In Turkey during the 16th and 17th centuries, anyone caught drinking coffee was put to death.


An Athens legislator named Solon passed a law in the 6th century that let fathers sell their fornicating daughters into slavery.


It was the law in Scotland in 1288 that for each year known as "lepe yeare" any maiden lady could ask the man she liked to be her husband. If he refused and didn't have a good excuse he would be "mulcted of ye sum of one pound or less" (essentially, he would owe her a dollar). France enacted a similar law a year later.


At one time, there was a law in India that forbade lower-caste people from casting their shadows on a member of the Brahman (the upper class).


After January 14th you will be charged a fine for having your Christmas decorations still up. (Maine)


In the kingdom of Bhutan, all citizens officially become one year older on New Year’s Day.


'Turtle racing is prohibited within the city limits" (Florida).


Citizens of Monaco are prohibited from gambling in Monte Carlo, but they're exempt from taxation.


It's illegal to have sex on a parked motorcycle in London.


"It is illegal to lasso a fish" (Tennessee).


In 1659, the General Court of Massachusetts ordered that anybody caught feasting or laying off from work, or in any other way goofing off on any other day other than Christmas, would be fined five shillings for each such offense.


Rapists in Nambia can choose either castration or 20 years of hard labor.


"It is against the law to advertise on tombstones" (Virginia).


"Dogcatchers are required to be psychoanalyzed by a psychiatrist to determine if they are qualified to chase stray mutts" (Texas).


Up until the early 20th century, New Jersey and Wisconsin had laws allowing the castration of epileptics.


Belgium is the only country that has never imposed censorship for adult films.

[VulcanRider]

Early in 1975, the U.S. Senate actually voted on the following:
"A motion to table a motion to reconsider a vote to table an appeal of a ruling that a point of order was not in order against a motion to table another point of order against a motion to bring to a vote the motion to call up the resolution that would institute a rules change."

The joke's on us -- we pay these clowns...

[Arvon]

A bit PG...





A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said,"Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."

[Arvon]

A guy goes fishing every Saturday morning. He gets up early and eager, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes, all day long.

Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and down the driveway he goes.

As he is coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. Minutes later, he returns to the garage.

He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers,"The weather out there is terrible."

To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that s**t?"

[Arvon]

Oldie...


Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed......

"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked,

"What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching!"

Moral - not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men!