Taking a trip this summer? Come to Montana, friendly to all!

Subject: 15 ways to better enjoy Montana

>> Supposedly issued by the Montana Tourism Bureau, Helena. If nothing else,
> it will give you a little better insight into us Montanans....!

1, Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Alameda's Cafe in Big Timber. It's a diner. They serve flap-jacks and ham or hamburgers and home-fries 24 hours a day. If you upset the lady
in the kitchen, she'll kick your ass.

2. Don't laugh at the names of our little towns (Joe, Ingamar, Two
Dot, Circle, Ekalacka.) or someone from there will kick your ass.

3. Don't ask for "soda" here or you'll get a box of white powder.
If you want a carbonated soft drink, it's called "pop." Accept
it. Otherwise it'll lead to an ass kicking.

4. We know our heritage, cultures, and traditions. Most of us are more literate, better educated and generally a lot nicer than you.
Don't refer to us as a bunch of hicks or red-necks or you'll get your ass kicked.

5. We have plenty of common sense. Naturally, we do have small lapses in judgment from time to time, like not taxing the hell out
the tourists, but we're not stupid enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If she tried that here, we'd
kick her ass out.

6. When in Miles City, don't point at the genitalia on the giant buffalo and make crude remarks or some Powder River cowboy out
walking his gal will gladly kick your ass.

7. No, we don't shoot defenseless "Bambi." Most hunters harvest
full-grown surplus pronghorns, deer, elk and moose-not to mention
bear. "The deer and the antelope" might "play," as the song says, but
a cow moose or sow grizzly will give your ass a kicking it won't soon forget.

8. Don't order a vegetarian plate at the local diner. Everyone will
instantly know you're a tourist. Eat your steak well-done like God intended and have some corn and a baked potato along side. Don't ask what a "hot dish" is, or someone in the diner will kick your ass.

9. We don't have accents. Try 'n' tawk lack us 'n' yer gonna git an ass kickin' fer shur.

10. Don't sneer at guns in the back windows of our trucks and talk
about how civilized things are back home, because we know better.
Most of us have been to big-city hell-holes like Detroit, New York,
and LA, and some have scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Amtrak
comes through once a day. Freight your ass back home before it gets kicked.

11. Yes, we know ice fishing is "not your thing." We don't care.
If you don't understand the beauty out on a lake when it's 10 below,
then you should go home and try fishing in New York Harbor. We are
fully aware how cold it gets here in the winter, so don't block the heater
in the fish house or a real angler will kick your ass.

12. Don't complain that Eastern Montana is flat and that there aren't enough trees. Whine about OUR scenic beauty and we'll kick your ass all the way back to Cleveland.

13. Don't ridicule our mannerisms. We only speak when spoken to.
We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave
yourselves around our sweet little grey-haired grandmothers or they will kick some manners into your smart ass just like they did ours.

14. So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live on
the plains or in the woods? That's because we have enough sense to not live
in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like San Francisco or
Washington, D.C. Make fun of our big sky and we'll kick your ass.

15. Don't ask where the buffalo are. Most are in Yellowstone National Park and carry brucellosis, infectious to cattle which is how a good many of us including Native Americans make our living.
When one wanders north across our border, it gets its shaggy ass shot. Want
some of the same?

> Enjoy your visit to the Treasure State!


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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

[MILAMBER]

Damn, I guess you guys out there in Montana do a lot of ass kicking! I'd best be careful if I'm in the neighborhood.

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"The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his."
-General George Patton (1885-1945)

Hey Milamber, how's things going? A relative of mine sent that to me in an email from North Dakota - I guess when the freemen and the Unabomber are your contributions to the nightly news, its to be expected

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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

[Epona]

ROTFLMAO!!!

Just bumping for those people who haven't had their ass kicked recently...

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Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.

Epona of The Laughing Hyenas

[Lady Avalon]

Don't plan on a trip to Montana anytime soon, but glad I know the rules. Geesh, a lot to remember - don't step on anyone's toes. I understand the soda thing. When I moved to Tennessee from Chicago, where everyone says pop, I had to get used to soda. I still say pop. That's just the way it is.

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Seeker of Truth

[bilqis]

Sounds like home to me!

[Sazerac]

Sounds like "Texas" to me. Montanans and Texans would probably get along just fine.



[This message has been edited by Sazerac (edited 05-24-2001).]

[RudeDawg]

Originally posted by Sazerac: Sounds like "Texas" to me. Montanans and Texans would probably get along just fine.

This is the Texas version I recieved via email just after the election....

Visitor’s Guide To Texas


Like it or not, the new Texas White House will be in Crawford, Texas and soon will be drawing a number of people to the state, including many who are not used to Texas ways. They might find the following advice useful.

1) Don't expect to find filet mignon or pasta primavera at the local restaurant. It's a cafe. They serve hamburgers and chicken fried steak. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

2) Don't laugh at the names (Merleen, Bodie, Bubba, Bobby Ray, Curley, Tammy, Lynn, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.). Or we will HAVE to kick your ass.

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. In Texas it's called a coke. Nobody gives a damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever - it's still a coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (read some
J. Frank Dobie). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer than
you. Don't refer to us as a bunch of cowboy hicks, or we'll kick your ass.

5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Howard Hughes, H. Ross Perot, Southwest Airlines, Dell computers). Naturally, sometimes we have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Phil Gramm). However, we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state just so they can run for the U.S. Senate. If anyone tried to do that they would get a serious ass kickin'.

6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Gen. Hood you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit the Alamo, take your hat off and be properly humble, or we'll kick your ass.

7) We are fully aware of how hot it gets and high the humidity is, so shut up about it. If you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen, or we’ll kick your ass.

8) Do not attempt to eat tamales without first removing their cornhusk casing. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. DO NOT, under any circumstances, complain that the chili is TOO hot or contains no kidney beans, this will get your ass kicked into next week.

9) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know they are not. Many of us have visited Northern hell-holes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home -- before we kick it.

10) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Texans understand what we are saying and that's all that matters. Now, go away, or we'll kick your ass.

11) Don't complain that certain areas of this state "smell" of oil. If your livelihood depended on those wells you'd soon learn to love the aroma. Besides, None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Pittsburgh, PA.

12) Don't ridicule our Texas manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks. Such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers, or they'll kick your ass -- just like they did ours.

13) Don't think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in small towns. We do this because we have enough sense to not live in crime-infested cesspools like Baltimore. Make fun of our small towns and we'll kick your ass.

14) DO NOT DARE to tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). Criticize the barbecue and you may go home in a pine box -- minus your ass.

15) Remember, the only reason you are lucky enough to be here in the first place is because we have not pulled the Border Patrol off the Rio Grande and put them on the Red River (where they really belong) to keep your ass out.

16) Enjoy your visit.


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The RudeDawg
Known in these Forgotten Realms as Perin LightEyes
and my girlfriends, Pamila and Pfil

[Charean]

I remember both... been through both state many a time... being a lowly trucker and all - I do know the rules of the road... and that every state is a separate country... the money may be the same - but the dialect is sure different! Got used to eating food that didn't crawl off my plate too quick and dealing with critters I didn't know the names of!

Some day I will tell you the tales of the Jackalope - you folks out west know what I am talking about!!

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Defender for the Light -
Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?!?
The secret is knowing the rules so you can bend/break them selectively!!!
Aquisition master of the Finest of Humours - and the Killer Joke
Musketeer of Fast Fourward
Looking for lost brain - I left it only for a moment....and there it goes... rolling under the table!!
Wondering where the Light has gone from the Tunnel.

[Sazerac]

Originally posted by RudeDawg: 5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Howard Hughes, H. Ross Perot, Southwest Airlines, Dell computers). Naturally, sometimes we have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Phil Gramm). However, we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state just so they can run for the U.S. Senate. If anyone tried to do that they would get a serious ass kickin'. [/B]

Yet Texas did just that with George Bush, Sr...a Kennebunkport Maine boy who moved to Texas for political reasons.