Vicotnik's chamber of laughter

Italian Honeymoon
>
> After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new
> bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped in his New York neighborhood
> barbershop to say hello to his friends.
>
> Giovanni said, "Hey, Luigi. How was'a da treep?"
>
> Luigi said, "Ever'thing was'a perfect except for da train'a ride
> down."
>
> "What'a you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.
>
> "Well, we board'a da train at Grand Central'a Station. My
> beautiful'a Virginia had packed a big'a basket a food with vino
> and cigars for'a me, and'a we were looking 'aforward to da trip.
> All was OK until we got'a hungry and opened up'a da lunch'a
> basket.
>
> "The conductor came by, wagged his'a finger at us and'a say,
> 'No eat in dese'a car. Must'a use'a dining car.'
>
> "So, me and my beautiful'a Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a
> big'a lunch and begin to open'a bottle of vino. Conductor come
> again, wag his'a finger and say, 'No drink'a in dese'a car.
> Must'a use'a club'a car.'
>
> "So we go to club'a car. While'a drinking vino, I start to
> light'a my big'a cigar. The conductor, he wag'a his finger
> again and say, 'No smoke'a in dese'a car. Must'a go to smoker
> car.'
>
> "We go to smoker car and I smoke'a my cigar. Later, my beautiful
> Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car and'a go to bed. We just
> about to have'a sex and the conductor, he come'a through car
> yelling, 'NO-FOLK'A, VIRGINIA!'"
>


------------------
When given a choice, take both.

A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a
small house. Knocking on the door he is greeted by an ancient Chinese man
with a long gray beard.

"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly", the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as
lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese
tortures known to man". "OK," said the man, and entered the house. Over
dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had
a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she
couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.

Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up went up to bed
alone. During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room
for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old
man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but
happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a
rock that weighed about 50 lbs. on his chest with a note on it that
read:
"Chinese Torture 1....Large rock on chest.".
'Well, that's pretty crappy,' he thought. 'If that's the best the old
man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked
the boulder up, and pitched it out of the window by his bed.

As he did so, he noticed another note on the window sill that read:
"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already
getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than
castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted towards the ground he saw a large sign on the
ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3....Right testicle tied to bed post."


------------------
When given a choice, take both.

[KDogRex]

NEVER ASSUME

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found The CEO
standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "This is a very sensitive and important Document,
and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said
the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and
pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the
machine. "I just need one copy."

Lesson learned: Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.

------------------
-Resident Corset Loosener of the OHF

> NEW TWIST ON OLD SAYINGS

> > He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
> > Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
> > A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
> > On the other hand, you have different fingers.
> > I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
> > Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
> > I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe
> > He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
> > You have the right to remain silent. Anything you
> > say will be misquoted, then used against you.
> > I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
> > Honk if you love peace and quiet.
> > Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
> > Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
> > It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its
> > burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
> > The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
> > something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
> > It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end,
> > someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
> > You can't have everything, where would you put it?
> > Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up
> > 75% of the world's population.
> > The things that come to those that wait may be the
> > things left by those who got there first.
> > A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
> > It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
> > I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
> > I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.


------------------
When given a choice, take both.

>Subject: Texas baby

>A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces his
>wife just produced "a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds."
>Congratulations shower him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow"
>are heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains.
>Two weeks later, he returns to the bar.
>The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that
>weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"
>The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
>The bartender is puzzled, concerned. "Why? What happened? He already
>weighed 25 pounds at birth."
>The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star, wipes his
>lips on his shirtsleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had
>him circumcised!"
--



------------------
When given a choice, take both.

> "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane:
Either
> you have diarrhea, or you're eager to meet people who do."


------------------
When given a choice, take both.

> Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.
>
> "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf
> is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
>
> "Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an attractive
scrotum!'"

------------------
When given a choice, take both.

> "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
>
> "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but
he
> never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
> Ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
> Genitals through his wallet.
>
> Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the
only
> Time of the month that I can be myself.
>
> Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
>


------------------
When given a choice, take both.

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing
> in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They
say
> that women are too judgmental where, of course, men are just grateful.
> There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are
> having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
> swelling.
> So what's the problem?
>
> When the sun comes up, I have morals again
>
> There's very little advice in men's magazines because men think, "I know
> What I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
>


------------------
When given a choice, take both.

> Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like
> And just give her a house.
>
> See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
enough
> blood to run one at a time

------------------
When given a choice, take both.