The Laws of Cat Physics

Garnet FalconDance · 02-13-2002, 02:08 PM

I promise, no more today, guys

Cat Physics

1 - Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

2 - Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

3 - Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

4 - Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

5 - Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

6 - Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.

7 - Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

8 - Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

9 - Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

10 - Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

11 - Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.

12 - First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

13 - Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

14 - Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

15 - Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

16 - Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

17 - Law of Bag / Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

18 - Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

19 - Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

20 - Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

21 - Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible.

22 - Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

23 - Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

24 - Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

25 - Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.

Beaumanoir · 02-13-2002, 02:25 PM

*TUT*

Cats... Dogs Are So Much Better...

The 1st Rule Of My Dogs (An Extract From The Bible Of Dogs): When Sleeping, You Are In Nirvana. When Not Sleeping, You Must Be Eating, or On The Way To Food. Otherwise You Are Damned...

Talthyr Malkaviel · 02-13-2002, 03:56 PM

Never!!!
Down with dogs, (well at least down to slightly behind cats)
cats are simply the best animal around, and felines in general.

Neb · 02-13-2002, 04:10 PM

I think Arvon should watch out, Garnet is trying to take over his joke-thread-posting job here at IW [img]tongue.gif[/img]

02-13-2002, 04:19 PM

1 - Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

or a kick up the ass?

2 - Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

sometimes, not even then [img]tongue.gif[/img]

3 - Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

also works on suits - grrrr

4 - Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

unless it pees on your lap where some of the heat is returned

5 - Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

frighteningly true

6 - Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.

if they start off comfortable, they will manoeuvre into uncomfortqable position within 5 minutes

7 - Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

so can kids

8 - Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

fun to watch when the floor's slippery

9 - Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

actually i think it's just "Cats must attend all meals". The good bit is just a bonus sometimes

10 - Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

or bed

11 - Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.

unless it's detrimental to the cat

12 - First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

most human males worship this creed

13 - Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

see response to 12

14 - Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

amazing but true

15 - Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

must try that sometime

16 - Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

which may or may not be comfortable for the humans

17 - Law of Bag / Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

funny thing is if, in a bag, you can carry them round the house then make "let the cat out of the bag" puns

18 - Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

their hide in shadows skill also proportional to this

19 - Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

try beer

20 - Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

shine a light through curtains they've been at - you can see the holes

21 - Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible.

with claws outstretched - unfortunate if this is your lap

22 - Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

it will then drink all the spilt milk of course

23 - Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

or a kick up the ass

24 - Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

grind it and mash int into their food

25 - Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.

and Ass-Tongue if guests are around

jabidas · 02-13-2002, 04:42 PM

I was just expecting, try not to set on fire but, wow.

Thoran · 02-13-2002, 05:02 PM

6 - Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.

I will add two important riders to the Law of Cat Sleeping:

6a - Law of infinite mass
When a cat is asleep on a bed it's mass increases to infinity, thus creating a black hole into which all blankets are drawn

6b - Law of immovable mass
When a cat is asleep on a bed it bonds chemically to the blankets on which it's resting. any attempt to dislodge the cat will result in failure. Kick from under the blankets and the cat will ride the wave not unlike a oceanliner... to end up exactly where it started.

[ 02-13-2002: Message edited by: Thoran ]

02-13-2002, 02:25 PM	#2
Beaumanoir Iron Throne Cult Join Date: June 3, 2001 Location: There is no IRL, Only AFK. Age: 35 Posts: 4,896	TUT Cats... Dogs Are So Much Better... The 1st Rule Of My Dogs (An Extract From The Bible Of Dogs): When Sleeping, You Are In Nirvana. When Not Sleeping, You Must Be Eating, or On The Way To Food. Otherwise You Are Damned... __________________ My pokemon bring all the boys to the yard, and they're like; you wanna trade cards? Damn right, I wanna trade cards, I'll trade this but not my Charizard.

02-13-2002, 03:56 PM	#3
Talthyr Malkaviel Ma'at - Goddess of Truth & Justice Join Date: August 31, 2001 Location: Land of the Britons Age: 37 Posts: 3,224	Never!!! Down with dogs, (well at least down to slightly behind cats) cats are simply the best animal around, and felines in general. __________________ Resident cantankerous sorcerer of the Clan HADB<br />and Sorcerous Nuttella salesman of the O.R.T<br /> <br /><br />Say NO to the Trouser Tyranny! Can I drill you about this?

02-13-2002, 04:42 PM	#6
jabidas Silver Dragon Join Date: March 14, 2001 Location: Agharti. Mountains of Madness Posts: 1,673	I was just expecting, try not to set on fire but, wow. __________________ <br /><br />Non Serviam.

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02-13-2002, 02:08 PM	#1
Garnet FalconDance Mephistopheles Join Date: August 30, 2001 Location: deep within the sylvan splendor.... Age: 60 Posts: 1,443	I promise, no more today, guys Cat Physics 1 - Law of Cat Inertia A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse. 2 - Law of Cat Motion A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction. 3 - Law of Cat Magnetism All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric. 4 - Law of Cat Thermodynamics Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat. 5 - Law of Cat Stretching A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken. 6 - Law of Cat Sleeping All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat. 7 - Law of Cat Elongation A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it. 8 - Law of Cat Acceleration A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop. 9 - Law of Dinner Table Attendance Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served. 10 - Law of Rug Configuration No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long. 11 - Law of Obedience Resistance A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something. 12 - First Law of Energy Conservation Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible. 13 - Second Law of Energy Conservation Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping. 14 - Law of Refrigerator Observation If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat. 15 - Law of Electric Blanket Attraction Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light. 16 - Law of Random Comfort Seeking A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room. 17 - Law of Bag / Box Occupancy All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond. 18 - Law of Cat Embarrassment A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter. 19 - Law of Milk Consumption A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can. 20 - Law of Furniture Replacement A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture. 21 - Law of Cat Landing A cat will always land in the softest place possible. 22 - Law of Fluid Displacement A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed. 23 - Law of Cat Disinterest A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him. 24 - Law of Pill Rejection Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity. 25 - Law of Cat Composition A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.

02-13-2002, 04:10 PM	#4
Neb Account deleted by Request Join Date: May 17, 2001 Location: . Age: 38 Posts: 8,802	I think Arvon should watch out, Garnet is trying to take over his joke-thread-posting job here at IW [img]tongue.gif[/img]

02-13-2002, 04:19 PM	#5
Lord Shield Guest Posts: n/a	1 - Law of Cat Inertia A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse. or a kick up the ass? 2 - Law of Cat Motion A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction. sometimes, not even then [img]tongue.gif[/img] 3 - Law of Cat Magnetism All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric. also works on suits - grrrr 4 - Law of Cat Thermodynamics Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat. unless it pees on your lap where some of the heat is returned 5 - Law of Cat Stretching A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken. frighteningly true 6 - Law of Cat Sleeping All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat. if they start off comfortable, they will manoeuvre into uncomfortqable position within 5 minutes 7 - Law of Cat Elongation A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it. so can kids 8 - Law of Cat Acceleration A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop. fun to watch when the floor's slippery 9 - Law of Dinner Table Attendance Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served. actually i think it's just "Cats must attend all meals". The good bit is just a bonus sometimes 10 - Law of Rug Configuration No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long. or bed 11 - Law of Obedience Resistance A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something. unless it's detrimental to the cat 12 - First Law of Energy Conservation Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible. most human males worship this creed 13 - Second Law of Energy Conservation Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping. see response to 12 14 - Law of Refrigerator Observation If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat. amazing but true 15 - Law of Electric Blanket Attraction Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light. must try that sometime 16 - Law of Random Comfort Seeking A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room. which may or may not be comfortable for the humans 17 - Law of Bag / Box Occupancy All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond. funny thing is if, in a bag, you can carry them round the house then make "let the cat out of the bag" puns 18 - Law of Cat Embarrassment A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter. their hide in shadows skill also proportional to this 19 - Law of Milk Consumption A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can. try beer 20 - Law of Furniture Replacement A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture. shine a light through curtains they've been at - you can see the holes 21 - Law of Cat Landing A cat will always land in the softest place possible. with claws outstretched - unfortunate if this is your lap 22 - Law of Fluid Displacement A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed. it will then drink all the spilt milk of course 23 - Law of Cat Disinterest A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him. or a kick up the ass 24 - Law of Pill Rejection Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity. grind it and mash int into their food 25 - Law of Cat Composition A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter. and Ass-Tongue if guests are around

02-13-2002, 05:02 PM	#7
Thoran Galvatron Join Date: January 10, 2002 Location: Upstate NY Age: 56 Posts: 2,109	6 - Law of Cat Sleeping All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat. I will add two important riders to the Law of Cat Sleeping: 6a - Law of infinite mass When a cat is asleep on a bed it's mass increases to infinity, thus creating a black hole into which all blankets are drawn 6b - Law of immovable mass When a cat is asleep on a bed it bonds chemically to the blankets on which it's resting. any attempt to dislodge the cat will result in failure. Kick from under the blankets and the cat will ride the wave not unlike a oceanliner... to end up exactly where it started. [ 02-13-2002: Message edited by: Thoran ]

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