on the lighter side, chamber of laughter is back.....

[J.J.]

10 things that tick me off.....

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know
where
my watch is, buddy .. where the heck is yours? Do I point at my crotch
when I ask where the bathroom is??

2. People in the supermarket check out line who wait until their entire
bill
is rung up before they begin writing their check. Hello...is the store
name going to change, or the date, or your signature before the clerk
finishes?! Get a clue!

3. People who are willing to get off their fanny to search the entire
room
for the darn TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change
it manually!

4. When people say..."Oh, you just want to have your cake and eat it,
too." What good is a piece of cake if you can't eat it?
What should I do...eat someone else's piece of cake instead??

5. When people say..."It's always the last place you look." No really!!
Why
the heck would you keep looking for it after you've already found it??
Do people do this?? Who and where are they??

6. When people say, while watching a movie ... "Did you see that?" No,
dummy, I paid $7.50 to come to a theater and stare at the ceiling up
there. What did you come here for??

7. People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a
choice there, did ya buddy?

8. When something is "New & Improved". Which is it? If it's new, there
has
never been anything before it. If it's an improvement then there must
have been something before it!

9. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you
were going. "You should know. You're the one that pulled me over!"

Here's the 10th thing that really bugs me....

10. Chain letters! Who the heck thinks that by annoying other people
with
stupid mail with no meaning, that they will grant you a wish, or make
your long-lost love fall into your arms. Fiddle-de-dee! I'm so sure that
by breaking a stupid chain letter that the computer gods are going to
curse me!! What a crock !!!




------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

To Err is Human To Forgive Divine, However Neither is U.S. Marine Corps Policy. Nuke'm til the damn camels glow.

Thanks for your posts in this thread JJ. It gives me many much needed laughs And I would post in this thread more often, but I can't think of any good jokes lately

------------------

[DragonMage]

OMG! We're ALL going to need spleen surgery after this!


------------------

The day we stop learning is the day we start dying!(c)

Owner/operator of the Evil Petting Zoo and devout member of the HADB clan.
Commander of the Dragon Fleet, IW Peacekeeping Force
Honored to be a member of the Illuminati - may the Light shine forever!
Mage extraordinair.
Occasional minion to Gwhanos the Fluffy

Hopeless Romantic *sigh*

"Allright! We'll call it a draw."


[This message has been edited by DragonMage (edited 09-27-2001).]

[Lifetime]

BUMP

Come on nobody has any jokes?

------------------
No-Name Face

[J.J.]

> Experiences of Doctors
> >
> > A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her
> baby in
> the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the
> lady's
> dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed
> that there are
> > several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
> > At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an
> elderly and
> > slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big
> breaths," I
> > instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
> > One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife
> that her
> husband had died of a massive myocardial infarction. Not more than
>
> five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the
> family that he
> had died of a "massive internal fart. "
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
> > I was performing a complete physical, including the visual
> acuity
> test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began,
> "Cover your
> right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now
> your
> left."
> > Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I
> > requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E
> on the
> top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I
> had
> asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was
> laughing too
> hard
> to finish the exam.
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
> > During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
> cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble
> with one of is
> medications. "Which one?" asked the doctor. "The patch. The nurse
> told me to
> put
> on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to
> put it!"
> The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he
>
> wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now
> the
> instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a
> new one.
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
> > While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,
> "How
> long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion
> she
> answered, "Why, not for about twenty years-when my husband was
> alive."
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
> > I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your
>
> breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky
> Jelly. I
> can't
> seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked
> to see
> the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY
> Jelly."
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
> > And of course, the best is saved for last: The Surgeon's Note
> >
> > A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman
> with
> purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety
> of tattoos,
> and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined
> that the
> patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate
> surgery.
> When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff
> noticed
> that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a
> tattoo that
> read, "Keep off the
> grass."
> >
> > Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note
> on the
> > patient's dressing, which said: "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."




------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

Official Pin-Up Girl Evaluator/Massager of the O.L.D. C.O.O.T.S. Clan
To Err is Human To Forgive Divine, However Neither is U.S. Marine Corps Policy.

[J.J.]

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.

He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question:

Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?" "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves.

Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb cracker."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony Blair."






FUNNY THOUGHTS
"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing."
- Phyllis Diller









------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

Official Pin-Up Girl Evaluator/Massager of the O.L.D. C.O.O.T.S. Clan
To Err is Human To Forgive Divine, However Neither is U.S. Marine Corps Policy.

[Talthyr Malkaviel]

Hey.. while we're at it, I think it could be a good time for some George.W.Bush quotes (you've probably already heard them, but they always crack me up)

'If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.'

'I stand by all my misstatements.'

'You teach a child to read and he or her will pass a literacy test.'

'Mexico is the first foreign country I have visited as president, and I intend it to be that way.'

'I assured the Prime Minister of Canada that my vision of the hemisphere goes both North and South.'

'The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.'

'One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared.'

'Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.'

'I have made good judgements in the past, I have made good judgements in the future.'

'A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer peole going to the polls.'

'We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.'

'For NASA, space is still a high priority.'

The list goes on, but that's enough of Bush for now.

[J.J.]

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the
wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to
tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. "Yeah
right!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The
wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes
to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully around
the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is
amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his
buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly.
The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the
closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's
testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

He wakes from a drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he
stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue
ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks
back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's
testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says "I don't
know where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second
place.




------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

Official Pin-Up Girl Evaluator/Massager of the O.L.D. C.O.O.T.S. Clan
To Err is Human To Forgive Divine, However Neither is U.S. Marine Corps Policy.

[250]

"The O.J. Murder Trial" by Dr.Seuss

I did not kill my lovely wife.
I did not slash her with a knife.
I did not bonk her on the head.
I did not know that she was dead.
I stayed at home that fateful night.
I took a cab, then took a flight.
The bag I had was just for me.
My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be.
When I came home I had a gash.
My hand was cut from broken glass.
I cut my hand on broken glass.
A broken glass did cause that gash.
I have nothing, nothing to hide.
My friend, he took me for a ride.
Did you take this person's life?
Did you do it with a knife?
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not anytime.
Did you hit her from above?
Did you drop this bloody glove?
I did not hit her from above.
I cannot even wear that glove.
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, not anytime.
And now I'm free, I can return
To my house for which I yearn.
And to my family whom I love.
Hey now I'm free -- Give back my glove!!

[250]

Bill Clinton and Senator Hillary Clinton were at a Yankees game. Before the game began a secret service man came up to him and whispered in his ear.
President Clinton suddenly picked up Hillary and threw her out on the field.

The secret service man came running up to him and said, "Mr. President Sir, I think you misunderstood me; I said throw out the first pitch."