on the lighter side, chamber of laughter is back.....

[J.J.]

> > YOU MUST BE VERY CAREFUL ! <<<<<
When I found this recipe I thought it was perfect for people, like me,
who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly
cooked but not dried out. Give this a try.
>> BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
> 6-7 lb. chicken
> 1 cup melted butter
> 1 cup stuffing
> 1 cup uncooked popcorn, salt/pepper to taste Preheat
oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking
pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for popping sounds.
When the chicken's ass blows the oven door open and the
chicken flies across the room, it is done.
And, yall thought I couldn't cook . . .TeeHee

[J.J.]

ETERNAL TRUTHS

Once over the hill, you pick up speed.

I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the
food.

If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.

Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't
have film.

I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just
wish He didn't trust me so much.

Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

If the shoe fits......buy it in every color.

If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more
than standing in a garage makes you a car.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need
the trip.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Some days are a total waste of makeup.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and
narrowness of the waist change places.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away
three weeks before you need it.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to
recognize a mistake when you make it again.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long
enough to make them all yourself

[J.J.]

Subject: Consumption

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor
manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the
following warning
labels be placed IMMEDIATELY on all containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what
the hell
happened to your bra.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering
when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your
friends over
and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you
can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that
ex-lovers
are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the
morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can
logically
converse with other members of the opposite sex without
spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have
mystical
Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over
in the
morning and see something really scary.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of
inexplicable rug
burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that
you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you
are
invisible.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people
are
laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in
the
time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally
disappear.

[J.J.]

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

"Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said. I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off. It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue. Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard "Poupon."

[J.J.]

A man came walking up to the house when he noticed his
grandfather sitting
on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the
waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with no pants or
underwear
on?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I
sat out here
with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's
idea."

[J.J.]

Don't Argue with Children.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The
teacher said it
was not possible for a whale to swallow a human because even
though it was a
very large mammal, its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the
teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it
was physically
impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

[J.J.]

OFFICAL MALE SENSITIVITY TEST

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred
to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only
after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever
find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had
sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the
last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself
saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with
that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first
place.

Evaluating Results:
If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to
make sure you really ARE a man.

If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy.
You're a little confused.

If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!"

[J.J.]

REAL WOMEN VS. MARTHA STEWART >
Martha's way #1:>Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice>cream drips.>The Real Women's Way:>Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you >are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.
>Martha's way #2: >To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the
> potatoes. >The Real Women's Way: >Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a >year.
>Martha's way #3: >When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry
>cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on theoutside of
the >cake. >The Real Women's Way: >Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.
>Martha's way #4: >If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in
a >peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me>up."
>The Real Women's Way:
>If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad.
> Please >recite with me, The Real Women's motto: I made it and you will eat it and I
>don't care how bad it tastes.
>Martha's way #5:
>Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will>keep for weeks.
>The Real Women's Way:
>Celery? Never heard of the stuff.
>>Martha's way #6:
>Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking toyield a
> > >beautiful glossy finish
> > >The Real Women's Way:
> > >The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites
> > >over the crust so I just don't do it.
> > >Martha's way #7: >Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your
> > >forehead. The throbbing will go away.
> > >The Real Women's Way:
> > >Take a lime, mix it with tequila, etc., chill and drink. You might still
> > >have the headache, but who cares?
> > >Martha's way #9:
> > >If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves.
> > >They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
> > >The Real Women's Way:
> > >Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.
> > >And finally the most important tip
> > >Martha's way #10:
> > >Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future
>use in casseroles and sauces.
>The Real Women's Way: leftover wine???! Not!

[J.J.]

> > EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY
> >
> > Day number 180 8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
> > 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
> > 9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
> > 10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
> > 11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
> > 12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
> > 1:00 PM - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
> > 4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
> > 5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
> > 5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
> >
> > Day number 181 8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
> > 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
> > 9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
> > 10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
> > 11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
> > 12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
> > 1:00 PM - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
> > 4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
> > 5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
> > 5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
> >
> > Day number 182 8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
> > 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
> > 9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
> > 10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
> > 11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
> > 12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
> > 1:00 PM - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
> > 1:30 PM - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
> > 4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
> > 5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
> > 5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
> >
> > EXCERPTS FROM BOOMERS'S DIARY
> >
> > DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre
little
> > dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I
am
> > forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me
going is
> > the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from
ruining
> > the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat
another
> > house plant.
> >
> > DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving
around
> > their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must
try
> > this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and
> > repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself
to
> > vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
> >
> > DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless
body
> > in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and
to try
> > to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and
> > condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not
> > working according to plan.
> >
> > DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For
no
> > good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time
however
> > it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What
sick
> > minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is
the
> > piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
> >
> > DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their
accomplices.
> > I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I
could
> > hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes
they
> > call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my
confinement was
> > due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and
how
> > to use it to my advantage.
> >
> > DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies
and
> > maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems
more than
> > happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on
the
> > other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them
> > regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to
his
> > current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.
> >
> > But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
> >

[J.J.]

It's the first day of school in Houston and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their fathers do for a living.

The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman."

The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic."

Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men."

The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the schoolyard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar. He blushed and said, "I'm sorry but my dad is an auditor for Arthur Andersen and I was just too embarrassed to say so."