on the lighter side, chamber of laughter is back.....

[Downunda]

A little farm boy comes down to breakfast when his mother asks if he's done his chores . "Not yet," quips the boy, to which his mother replies, no chores, no breakfast. Pissed off, while feeding the chickens he kicks a chicken. While milking the cow, he kicks a cow and while feeding the pigs, he kicks a pig. Returning, his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "Where's the milk? And where's me bacon and eggs?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. And for kicking the pig, no bacon. Likewise, for what you did to the cow, no milk." Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat. The boy looks up at his mum and says, "Are you gonna tell him, or should I?"

[Smeagol]

Hi just thought I'd post some stupid quotes I've found.

"Abortion is advocated by persons who thenselves have been born"
-Ronald Reagan

"It is indeed fitting that we gather here today to pay tribute to Abraham Lincoln. Who was born in a log cabin that he built with his own hands."
-Ronald Reagan

"If affirmative action means what I just described, what I'm for, then I'm for it."
-George W. Bush

"Africa is a NATION that suffers from incredible disease."
-George W. Bush

"I don't know what he means but I disagree with it"
-George W. Bush

So it doesn't seem like I'm being unfair to the Americans here a couple of English.

"I never make predictions. I never have and I never will."
- PM Tory Flair

"I don't think a prostitute is more moral than a wife, but they are doing the same thing."
-Prince Phillip

[J.J.]

Ole and Sven were fishing when Sven pulled out a cigar but didn't
have a lighter so he asked Ole for a light.

"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied and reached into his
tackle box and pulled out a 12-inch BIC lighter.

"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, "Vhere did yew get dat monster??"

"Vell," replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie."

"You haff a genie?" Sven asked.

"Ya, shure, he's right here in my tackle box," said Ole.

"Could I see him?"

Ole opens his tackle box and out pops the genie.

The friend says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant
me vun vish?"

"Yes I will," the genie said, so Sven asks him for a million bucks
and the genie hops back into the tackle box and leaves him standing there
waiting for his million bucks.

Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying
overhead is heard.

Sven yells to Ole, "I asked for a million Bucks, not Ducks!"

Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew, da genie is hard of hearing.

Do yew really tink I asked him for a 12-inch BIC?

[J.J.]

=: THOUGHT YOU KNEW EVERYTHING? :=

1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients in dynamite.
3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
4. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
5. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
6. There are more chickens than people in the world.
7. Two thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
8. The longest one syllable word in the English language is screeched."
9. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament
building is an American flag.
10. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
11. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver,
or purple.
12. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
13. All 50 US states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial
on the back of the US$5 bill.
14. Almonds are a member of the peach family.
15. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
16. Maine is the only US state whose name is just one syllable.
17. There are only four words in the English language which end in
"dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and . . . (Can you think of
the fourth one? The answer awaits at the end of this segment).
18. Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de
los Angeles de Porciuncula"
19. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
20. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
21. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
22. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
23. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
24. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert
the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful
Life."
25. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
27. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
28. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. (DON'T try this at
home!)
29. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
30. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
31. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube
and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
32. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
33. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
34. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
35. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left
hand.

And here's the answer to those 4 "dous" words; tremendous, horrendous,
stupendous and hazardous

..... NOW YOU KNOW (ALMOST) EVERYTHING

[J.J.]

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a
small
tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember
the first
time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this
tavern
where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."
"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll 'round there again and we
can do
it
once more for old time's sake."
"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she
answers.
A police officer is sitting in the next booth listening to all this,
and
having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see this . . .
two
old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them
so's
there's no trouble." So he follows them. They walk haltingly along,
leaning
on each other for support, aided by a walking stick. Finally they get
to the
back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man
drops
his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the
old
man
moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the
watching
policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like
eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's
yelling,
"Ohhhh, God!"
He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic
sex
imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about
life that
he didn't know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and
wonders
whether they still have sex like this. After about half and hour of
lying on
the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put
their
clothes back on. The policeman, still watching, thinks, that was
truly
amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his
secret is.'
As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else, you
must
have
been having sex for about forty minutes.
How do you manage it at your age? You must have had a fantastic life
together. Is there some sort of secret?"
"No, there's no secret," the old man says, "except that fifty years
ago
that
damn fence wasn't electric."

[J.J.]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if
she
would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your
sister
if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars and ask your
brother
if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell
me
what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert
Redford for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would. I wouldn't pass up an
opportunity
like that."
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt
for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Would I? I would just love to do that! I would be
nuts to
pass up that opportunity!"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom
Cruise
for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could
buy?"
The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His
father
asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and
realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three million
dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sluts and a fag."

[J.J.]

Sister Margaret had been a model nun all her life, finally she was
called to
her reward. As she approached the pearly gates,

Saint Peter said "Hold on, Sister Margaret .. not so fast!"

"But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord.
From the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the convent
to
my dying breath .... I have lived for this moment!" Sister Margaret
exclaimed in disbelief.

"That is just the problem ... you never learned right from wrong and to
get
into heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong"
replied
St. Peter.

"Well what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven!" Sister
Margaret pleaded.

"I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there,
I
want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished ... we
will
discuss your situation then." ordered St. Peter.

Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then called St.
Peter
coughing and hacking. "Saint Peter" she gasped, "I can hardly breathe,
my
mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am
going to throw up"

"Good!" replied the old saint, "Now you are finally getting a feel for
right
and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me
immediately."

Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter shortly after taking several belts of
Jack
Daniels. "Saint Peter ... I feel woozy ... that vile liquid burned my
throat
and nauseated me ... it is all I can do to keep it down."

"Good ... good! Now you are starting to see the difference between
right and wrong" said St. Peter with delight. "Tomorrow I want you to
seek
out a man and know him in the Biblical sense. Then call me."


A week later, Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message:

"Hello, Pete...it's Peggy ... It's gonna be a while!"

[J.J.]

Subject: Dr. Seuss Explains
>
> Dr. Seuss Explains Why Computers Sometimes Crash
> If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
> and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
> and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
> then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
>
> If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
> and the double-clicking icon puts Your window in the trash,
> and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash,
> then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!!
> If the label on the cable on the table at your house
>
>
> says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
> but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
> that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
> and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
> so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;
>
>
> then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
> 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
> When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk,
> and the macrocode instructions cause unnecessary risk,
> then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
> Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!
>
> WELL! That certainly clears things up for ME.
>

[J.J.]

An atheist complained to a friend, "Christians have their special holidays, such as Christmas and Easter; and Jewish folks celebrate their holidays, such as Passover and Yom Kippur. EVERY religion has its holidays. But we atheists," he said, "have no recognized national holidays. It's unfair discrimination."

His friend replied, "Well...Why don't you celebrate April first?"


Tourists, have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitchhiking." --David Letterman

[J.J.]

A woman gives birth to a baby and afterward the doctor comes into
the room
and says, ''I have something to tell you about your child...''
The woman slowly sits up with a worried look on her face and says,
''What's wrong with it?''

The doctor says, ''There's nothing really wrong with it, it's just
a
little different! It's a hermaphrodite.''

The woman looks confused. ''A hermaphrodite, what's that?''

The doctor replies, ''It has both features of a male and a
female.''

The woman looks at him and says "whew"... "You mean it has a penis
AND a
brain?''