on the lighter side, chamber of laughter is back.....

[Campino]

This is soooooo funny!!!

[img]graemlins/laugh.gif[/img]

for all the newbies (like myself),a little bump

[J.J.]

A couple of boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels.

After about a half mile, the boy stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him. "Let's see yer fishin' license, little man!" the Warden gasped.

With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.

"Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"Yes, sir," replied the boy, "but my friend back there, well, he don't have one."

QUICK WIT

A response to a corny pick-up line.

Male: So, what do you do for a living?
Female: I'm a female impersonator.

[J.J.]

Interesting read.... It's refreshing to read something that isn't
telling me
I have a better chance of getting hit by lightning than finding a mate.
Lets hear it for us single folk!

Published in this week's NY Times...
In My Tribe
October 14, 2001
By ETHAN WATTERS

It may be true that 'never marrieds' are saving themselves for something
better. They may also be saving the institution of marriage while
they're at
it.

You may be like me: between the ages of 25 and 39, single, a
college-educated city dweller. If so, you may have also had the
unpleasant experience of discovering that you have been identified (by
the
U.S. Census Bureau, no less) as one of the fastest-growing groups in
America
-- the ''never marrieds.'' In less than 30 years, the number of
never-marrieds has more than doubled, apparently pushing back the median
age
of marriage to the oldest it has been in our country's history -- about
25
years for women
and 27 for men.

As if the connotation of ''never married'' weren't negative enough, the
vilification of our group has been swift and shrill. These statistics
prove
a ''titanic loss of family values,'' according to The Washington Times.
An
article in Time magazine asked whether ''picky'' women were ''denying
themselves and society the benefits of marriage'' and in the process
kicking
off ''an outbreak of 'Sex and the City' promiscuity.'' In a study on
marriage conducted at Rutgers University, researchers say the ''social
glue'' of the family is at stake, adding ominously that ''crime rates
are
highly correlated with a large percentage of unmarried young males.''

Although I never planned it, I can tell you how I became a
never-married.
Thirteen years ago, I moved to San Francisco for what I assumed was a
brief
transition period between college an marriage. The problem was, I wasn't
just looking for an appropriate spouse. To use the language of the
Rutgers
researchers, I was ''soul-mate searching.''

Like 94 percent of never-marrieds from 20 to 29, I, too, agree with the
statement ''When you marry, you want your spouse to be your soul mate
first
and foremost.'' This uber-romantic view is something new. In a 1965
survey,
fully three out of four college women said they'd marry a man they
didn't
love if he fit their criteria in every other way. I discovered along
with my
friends that finding that soul mate wasn't easy. Girlfriends came and
went,
as did jobs and apartments. The constant in my life -- by default, not
by
plan -- became a loose group of friends.

After a few years, that group's membership and routines began to
solidify.
We met weekly for dinner at a neighborhood restaurant.
We traveled together, moved one another's furniture, painted one
another's
apartments, cheered one another on at sporting events and open-mike
nights.
One day I discovered that the transition period I thought I was living
wasn't a transition period at all.

Something real and important had grown there. I belonged to an urban
tribe.

I use the word ''tribe'' quite literally here: this is a tight group,
with
unspoken roles and hierarchies, whose members think of each other as
''us''
and the rest of the world as ''them.'' This bond is clearest in times of
trouble. After earthquakes (or the recent terrorist strikes), my
instinct to
huddle with and protect my group is no different from what I'd feel for
my
family.

Once I identified this in my own life, I began to see tribes everywhere
I
looked: a house of ex-sorority women in Philadelphia, a team of
ultimate-frisbee players in Boston and groups of musicians in Austin,
Tex.
Cities, I've come to believe, aren't emotional wastelands where fragile
individuals with arrested development mope around self-indulgently
searching
for true love. There are rich landscapes filled with urban tribes.

So what does it mean that we've quietly added the tribe years as a
developmental stage to adulthood? Because our friends in the tribe hold
us
responsible for our actions, I doubt it will mean a wild swing toward
promiscuity or crime. Tribal behavior does not prove a loss of ''family
values.'' It is a fresh expression of them. It is true, though, that
marriage and the tribe are at odds. As many ex-girlfriends will ruefully
tell you, loyalty to the tribe can wreak havoc on romantic
relationships.

Not surprisingly, marriage usually signals the beginning of the end of
tribal membership. From inside the group, marriage can seem like a risky
gambit. When members of our tribe choose to get married, the rest of us
talk
about them with grave concern, as if they've joined a religion that
requires
them to live in a guarded compound. But we also know that the urban
tribe
can't exist forever.

Those of us who have entered our mid-30's find ourselves feeling vaguely
as
if we're living in the latter episodes of ''Seinfeld'' or ''Friends,''
as if
the plot lines of our lives have begun to wear thin.

So, although tribe membership may delay marriage, that is where most of
us
are still heading. And it turns out there may be some good news when we
get
there. Divorce rates have leveled off. Tim Heaton, a sociologist at
Brigham
Young University, says he believes he knows why. In a paper to be
published
next year, he argues that it is because people are getting married
later.

Could it be that we who have been biding our time in happy tribes are
now
actually grown up enough to understand what we need in a mate? What a
fantastic twist -- we ''never marrieds'' may end up revitalizing the
very
institution we've supposedly been undermining.

And there's another dynamic worth considering. Those of us who find it
so
hard to leave our tribes will not choose marriage blithely, as if it is
the
inevitable next step in our lives, the way middle-class high-school kids
choose college. When we go to the altar, we will be sacrificing
something
precious. In that sacrifice, we may begin to learn to treat our
marriages
with the reverence they need to survive.

Ethan Watters is a writer living in San Francisco.

JJ's note - yeah, right! [img]tongue.gif[/img] [img]tongue.gif[/img] [img]tongue.gif[/img]

[J.J.]

> > I don't know who David is, but his response is
> > hilarious!!!
> > > > > > > > > >
> > Ya know.......some people look for things like
> > this...and it amazes me. At first I rolled my eyes....then I read Dave's response
> > and I couldn't have said it better if I had all day to do it.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
Original Letter:
> >
> > The date of the attack: 9/11 - 9 + 1 + 1 = 11
> > September 11th is the 254th day of the year: 2 + 5 + 4 = 11
> > After September 11th there are 111 days left to the end of the year.
> > 119 is the area code to Iraq/Iran. 1 + 1 + 9 = 11
> > Twin Towers - standing side by side, looks like the number 11
> > The first plane to hit the towers was Flight 11
> > I Have More.......
> > State of New York - The 11th State added to the Union
> > New York City - 11 Letters
> > Afghanistan - 11 Letters
> > The Pentagon - 11 Letters
> > Ramzi Yousef - 11 Letters (convicted or orchestrating the attack at the WTC in 1993)
> > Flight 11 - 92 on board - 9 + 2 = 11
> > Flight 77 - 65 on board - 6 + 5 = 11
> >
> > Dave's response:
> >
> > Oh my God! How worried should I be? There are 11 letters
> > in the name
> >"David Pawson!" I'm going into hiding NOW. See you in a few
> > weeks.
> >
> > Wait a sec ... just realized "YOU CAN'T HIDE" also has 11 letters!
> >
> > What am I gonna do? Help me!!! The terrorists are after me!
> > ME! I can't believe it!
> >
> > Oh crap, there must be someplace on the planet Earth I could hide!
> >But, no ..."PLANET EARTH" has 11 letters, too!
> >
> > Maybe Nostradamus can help me. But dare I trust him?
> > There are 11 letters in "NOSTRADAMUS."
> >
> > I know, the Red Cross can help. No they can't... 11 letters in "THE
> >RED CROSS," can't trust them.
> >
> > I would rely on self defense, but "SELF DEFENSE" has 11
> > letters in it, too! Can someone help?
> >
> > Anyone? If so, send me email. No, don't... "SEND ME
> > EMAIL" has 11 letters....
> >
> > Will this never end? I'm going insane! "GOING INSANE???"
> > Eleven letters!!
> >
> > Nooooooooooo!!!!!! I guess I'll die alone, even though
> > "I'LL DIE ALONE" has 11 letters.....
> >
> > Oh my God, I just realized that America is doomed! Our
> > Independence Day is July 4th ... 7/4 ... 7+4=11
> > > > > >> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > PS. "IT'S BULLSHIT" has 11 letters also.
> >
> > DAVE
hooray for dave [img]smile.gif[/img]

[J.J.]

: A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water." Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "My goodness, doc, exactly what's my problem?" Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water." ------
CARD YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

[J.J.]

This married couple was on holiday in India. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this sandal shop.

From inside they heard a gentleman with an Indian accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come indo my humble shop." So the couple walked in. The Indian man said to them, "I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like great desert camel."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god that he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Indian man replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb."

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years
-
raw sexual power!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Indian man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants and grabbed a firm hold of the Indian's thighs.

The Indian man began screaming, "YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!"

[J.J.]

> > A little Christmas mystery solved...
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where to. More Stress! Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the door bell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like me to put this tree fat man?"
And that my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

[J.J.]

Night Before Christmas - PC Style

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck
How to live in a world that's politically correct
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the EPA.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose.

And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him and nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise
Nothing for just girls or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological.
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...

"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth." And this is also my
wish
for all of you!!

[J.J.]

TO: All Employees
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place
December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open
Pit
Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band
playing
traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised
if
our
CEO
shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00
P.M.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however,
no gift should
be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's
pockets.
This

gathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be made
by
our

CEO at
that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday
which
often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this
year.
However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The
same
policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this
time. There will be no
Christmas tree. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other type
of
music for your enjoyment. Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family, Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm
happy
to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that
reads, "AA
Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to
handle this?
Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are
allowed, since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much
money
and executives believe $10.00 is very little for a gift.
NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director To: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins
the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and
drinking
during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can
appreciate
how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim
employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your
meal
until the end of the party -- the days are so short this time of
year -- or else
package everything for take home in little foil swans. Will that
work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to
sit
farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the
table
closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other.
Lesbians do not
have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes,
there will be
flower arrangements for the Gay men's table. To the person asking
permission to
cross dress, no cross dressing is allowed. We will have booster
seats for
short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot
control
the salt used in the food; we suggest for those people with high
blood pressure
problems to taste first.There will be fresh fruits as dessert
for Diabetics, the
restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss
anything?

Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me
to
do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit
the
burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshiping" employees,
but
we'll

try to
accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks.
Okay???

Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director To: All Employees
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO
dress
up
like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be
"Satan,"
there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."
It's
a
tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over
the
thanksgiving turkey or
broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?
Please?????????
Also, the company has changed their mind in announcing the special
announcement at the gathering. You will get a notification in the
mail
sent to your home.

Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All #%&$**@
Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The %#*&^%@*%^Holiday Party

I have no #%&*@*^ idea what the announcement is all about. What
the
%#&^!@ do I care...I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!!!!!!!!!! You
change your address now and you are dead!!!!!!!!!!!! No more changes
of
address will be allowed in my office. Try to come in and change your
address, I
will have you hung from the ceiling in the warehouse!!!!!!!!!!!
Vegetarians!?!?!?
I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at
Luigi's
Open Pit
Barbecue whether you like it or not,so you can sit quietly at the
table
furthest from the
"grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your
#$%^&*!
salad
bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings,
too.
Tomatoes
scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them
scream
right now!
HA!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday!


The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!

FROM: Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
recovery
from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your
cards
to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to
cancel
our Holiday
Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
--

[J.J.]

>Emergency: I was going to bed the other night when my wife told me that
I
had
left the light on in the shed that she could see from the bedroom
window.
>-
> As I looked for myself, I saw that there were people in the shed
taking
things.
> -
> I phoned the police, but they told me that no one was in this area
to
help at
this time, but they would send someone over as soon as they were
available.
> -
> I said OK, hung up, and waited one minute, then phoned the police
back.
"Hello.
I just called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed.
Well, you
don't have to worry about them now cause I've shot them all."
> -
> Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the
area, an
Armed
Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars
red-handed.
> -
> One of the officers said: "I thought you said that you'd shot
them!"
> -
> I replied with "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
--