on the lighter side, chamber of laughter is back.....

[J.J.]

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town.
The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.
As they went along they passed some people who remarked
it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.
The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed
positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he
makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk!

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when
they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful
to put such a load on a poor donkey.

The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry
the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on
the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.


The moral of the story?

If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.

[J.J.]

One day a policeman stopped a motorist who had just gone through a four way stop sign and was about to give him a ticket when the motorist said.

"Officer you can't give me a ticket for that!"

"Why not" said the officer.

"Because although I did not stop I slowed right down and its almost the same."

"But you did not stop" replied the officer, and the sign says STOP."

"But the way was clear and it was safe" replied the motorist.

The officer then pulls out his baton and starts hitting the motorist's car.

"What are you doing!" yells the motorist in surprise.

"Do you want me to slow down or stop?" says the officer.

QUICK WIT

A response to a corny pick-up line.

Male: Your place or mine?
Female: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.
...ooooooowwwwwwcchhh - that hurts!

[Sir ReGiN]

A letter to the insurance company:

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number 3 of the accident reporting form, I put "trying to do the job alone" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully, and I trust that the following details will be sufficient:

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which, fortunately, was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the brick into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tight to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note, in block number 11 of the accident reporting form, that I weigh 135 pounds.

Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom broke out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately fifty pounds.

I refer you again to my weight in the accident reporting form, block number 11.
As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounted for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations on my legs and lower body.

The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks, and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel six stories above me...I again lost my presence of mind...and let go of the rope!

No matter how many times I read that story, I still find it funny.

[Sir ReGiN]

Another one...

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him.
"Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."
The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.

The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter.

Seeing the suitcase St. Peter says,
"Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying,
"You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims,
"You brought pavement?!!!"

[J.J.]

just had to put it here, too

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our
own,
grandchildren, nieces and nephews, here is something to make you
chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control or they are driving your nuts,
you
can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not
extend
to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was, "Don't."

"Don't what ?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the apples, it is the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve, we have forbidden
fruit
here !"

"No way !"

"Yes, way !"

"Do NOT eat the apples, it is forbidden fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so !" God replied, (wondering why
he
hadn't stopped Creation after making the elephants after hearing his
children's bickering).

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and was
He
was really ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the apples, the forbidden fruit?" God, as
our
first parent, asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then, why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it !" Adam said,

"Did not !"

"Did too !"

"DID NOT !"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and
Eve
should have children of their own. Thus, the pattern was set and it has
never changed! But there is reassurance in this story.

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and
they
haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble
raising
children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you ?


Advice for the day:

If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on
the
aspirin bottle:

"Take two Aspirin" and "Keep away from children."

A FEW ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS ! ...

CHILDREN: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to
walk
and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and
shut-up.

Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.

Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said.

The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself
that
there are children more awful than your own.

We child-proofed our home 3 years ago and they're still getting in!

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

[J.J.]

The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

One lad snickered, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13"...

Quick Wit:

A response to a corny pick-up line.

Male: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Female: Unfertilized.

[J.J.]

A woman in her late 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift.

The doctor told her of a new procedure called "The Knob." This small
knob is
implanted on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up
the
skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift forever.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon for a
consultation.

"All these years everything had been working just fine. I've had to turn
the
knob on lots of occasions and I've loved the results. But now I've
developed
two annoying problems. First of all, I've got these terrible bags under
my
eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your
breasts."

Then she replied, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee!"

[J.J.]

A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 20 mph for it to start.

She said fine, hopped into her car and drove off.

I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing.

A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming at me at about 30 mph, I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions.

Quick Wit:

A response to a corny pick-up line.

Male: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Female: Yes, but would you STAY there?

[The.Relic]

J. J., it is great to see you carrying on the Vicotnik tradition [img]smile.gif[/img] I sure miss the "Engineering Jokes", those were fun too.

[J.J.]

Signs of Menopause

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.

3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

4. Your husband chirps, "Hi honey, I'm home." And your reply, "Well, if it isn't Ozzie f---ing Nelson."

5. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.

6. You change your underwear after every sneeze.

7. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales.