on the lighter side, chamber of laughter is back.....

[J.J.]

Subject: terrorist quiz


CNN reported last night that Osama bin Laden had taken up practicing
yoga
because:

A) He was quite stressed out because of having to spend every
night in a different cave

B) He needed to meditate more on some of his philosophies

C) He needs just a little more flexibility so that he can bend
all the way over to kiss his hairy butt goodbye.




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Amanda's Dad

Official Pin-Up Girl Evaluator/Massager of the O.L.D. C.O.O.T.S. Clan
To Err is Human To Forgive Divine, However Neither is U.S. Marine Corps Policy.

[J.J.]

where ARE all the jokesters, lately. sheesh, a little help here, 250, epona, bilqis, moridin, et. al, some funnies, please? where or where is vicotnik? or where, if you prefer.

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Amanda's Dad

Official Pin-Up Girl Evaluator/Massager of the O.L.D. C.O.O.T.S. Clan
To Err is Human To Forgive Divine, However Neither is U.S. Marine Corps Policy.

Originally posted by J.J.: where ARE all the jokesters, lately. sheesh, a little help here, 250, epona, bilqis, moridin, et. al, some funnies, please? where or where is vicotnik? or where, if you prefer.

Here is a somewhat disparaging remark my evil ex-wife used to make:

Q: What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards?

A: A receding hare line



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"I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant."
-Robert McCloskey

[Mouse]

Warning warning PG joke follows......warning warning
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The Duff Parrot Joke


A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little
perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud; "Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot".

"Holy sh* t", the bloke replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word", says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent,
thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?", the bloke asks, "Then answer this - how do you hang onto your
perch without any feet?"

"Well", the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked.
I wrap my penis around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it
because of my feathers."

"Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and speak English, can't
you!"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports,
physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at nithology. You really ought to
buy me. I'd be a great companion.

The bloke looks at the £200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford
that."

"Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants
me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for ?20, just make
the guy an offer!"

The bloke offers £20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour,
he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he
sympathises, and he's insightful. The bloke is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes "Pssssssssst" and
motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or
not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the bloke

"When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a
see-through black nighty and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT???" the bloke asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nighty and
began kissing her all over" reported the parrot.

"My God!" the bloke exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees and began to lick her
all over, starting up top and slowly going down...."

"WELL???" demands the frantic bloke, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"F*** knows, I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

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Regards



Mouse
(Occasional crooner and all round friendly Scottish rodent)

[This message has been edited by Mouse (edited 10-11-2001).]

[J.J.]

Originally posted by H. Sedai: Here is a somewhat disparaging remark my evil ex-wife used to make: Q: What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards? A: A receding hare line

wait 'alf a mo' guv, did yew say yew new my ex wife, or evil, as i like to call her while practicing my single hand axe throw....
ROFL, H, amazing how many guys' ex got the same name...hhhhmmmm...


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Amanda's Dad

Official Pin-Up Girl Evaluator/Massager of the O.L.D. C.O.O.T.S. Clan
To Err is Human To Forgive Divine, However Neither is U.S. Marine Corps Policy.

[250]

oh my god... mouse.... tsk tsk tsk tsk... even the seasoned R-joker 250 got embarrased at this joke... LOL

[J.J.]

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas)

Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges, (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

# 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from
your driveway with it. Took two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Shit! Keep this away from the children! I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills to save me the run.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can't focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Very Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Thank God! At autopsy they'll know what killed me. Have decided to stop breathing, too painful, not getting any oxygen anyway.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
FRANK: Judge Number 3 is unable to respond.



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Amanda's Dad-Best Damn Job, Period.

Official Pin-Up Girl Massager of the O.L.D. C.O.O.T.S. Clan
To Err is Human To Forgive Divine, However Neither is U.S. Marine Corps Policy.

[SSJ4Sephiroth]

OMG! that chili cookoff one was so freakin funny J.J.! had me laughing so hard i cried!

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It's simple. Once the Planet is hurt, it gathers Spirit Energy to heal the injury. The amount of energy gathered depends on the size of the injury...What would happen if there was an injury that threatened the very life of the Planet? Think how much energy would be gathered! Ha, ha, ha. And at the center of that injury, wil be me. All that boundless energy will be mine. By merging with the energy of the Planet, I will be come a new life form, a new existence. Melding with the Planet, I will cease to exist as I am now. Only to be reborn as a 'God' to rule over every living soul.


What are you saying? Are you trying to tell me you have feelings now? Ha, ha, ha... Stop acting as if you're sad. And there's no need to act as if you're angry either. Because, Cloud, you are... a puppet.

Super Sephiroth, slayer of the Uber Fluffy, and battle co-ordionator and defender of the HADB clan.
Follower of the mighty Fallen Paladin himself.
Diplomacy is all and well, but HADB is better!
Head of the IronWorks Intelligence Division
Official Soup Server and bumper of Cloudy's Cafe
Possessor of the Aerie Diamond Head from the ALSB.
Page in the Court of Lady Lioness

Stalking the woodlands,
the Lioness in my sight,
warm feelings doth come,
into my lonely heart

[J.J.]

Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."

Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."

Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "What do you mean?"

Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "What! I'm not going to do that!"



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Amanda's Dad-Best Damn Job, Period.

Official Pin-Up Girl Massager of the O.L.D. C.O.O.T.S. Clan
To Err is Human To Forgive Divine, However Neither is U.S. Marine Corps Policy.

[J.J.]

this is especially appropriate for us

29 Reasons Why You Might Want To Sign Off and Read a Book. PART I

1. Tech support calls YOU for help.

2. You forgot how to work the TV remote control.

3. You fall asleep, but instead of dreams you get IMs.

4. You meet the mailman at the curb and swear he said YOU'VE GOT MAIL.

5. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.

6. You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL."

7. A friend calls and says, "How are you? Your phones have been busy" -- for a year!

8. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have AOL in your car.

9. You beg your friends to get an account so you can "hang out."

10. You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.

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Amanda's Dad-Best Damn Job, Period.

Official Pin-Up Girl Massager of the O.L.D. C.O.O.T.S. Clan
To Err is Human To Forgive Divine, However Neither is U.S. Marine Corps Policy.