Wisdom from MOM

[John D Harris]

Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a
sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's
sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
*****
Martha's way #2: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter
onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.

My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds.
The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.
*****
Martha's way #3: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the
bag with the potatoes.

My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for
up to a year or just buy the frozen ones.
*****
Martha's way #4: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt
to the water before hard boiling.

My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off
anyway?
*****
Martha's way #5: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to
room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter
before squeezing.

My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs.
*****
Martha's way #6: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet,
simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom
of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.

My way: Eat out every night and avoid cooking.
*****
Martha's way #7: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray
before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.

My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers.
*****
Martha's way #8: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan,
use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess
on the outside of the cake.

My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.
*****
Martha's way #9: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still
cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an
instant "fix me up."

My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn
bad. I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.
*****
Martha's way #10: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the
refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.
*****
Martha's way #11: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before
baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing
egg whites over the crust and so I don't do it.
*****
Martha's way #12: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to
soften it.

My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?
*****
Martha's way #13: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar
to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.

My Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.
*****
Martha's way #14: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in
a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the
surface, throw it away.

My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will
know it wasn't fresh.
*****
Martha's way #15: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and
rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

My way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub
a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then
the problem isn't the headache anymore: it is because you are now blind.
*****
Martha's way #16: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice
cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

My way: Leftover wine?
*****
Martha's way #17: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex
dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

My way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.
*****
Martha's way #18: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just
slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.

My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the antibacterial soap in
the handy dispenser next to my sink.
*****
Martha's way #19: Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer.

* Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes,
brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous
china.

* Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or
cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.

* Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water
and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.

* Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka
Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).

My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some
Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.

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"the memories of a man in his old age,
are deeds of a man in his prime"

ROFL John D.! I have been sitting here reading all the funnies you posted and I have to say that there is no way to pick any favorite for me, I loved them all!


Moni

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[Sazerac]

#5, 15, and 17 were my favorites. I must have laughed out loud for two minutes straight (no exaggeration)...my wife came in to ask what I was laughing at. I could only point, and then she started guffawing too!

Thanks for the great laugh!

[Lord of Alcohol]

Some excellent ideas you have John!!!! I shall implement some of them!

[DawnChaser]

Leftover wine???

"ROFLMTAO = ROFLM 'tiny' AO!"

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[Davros]

Great stuff JD, I laughed my way down the page.

PS - I once heard a rumour about that celery stuff myself - do you think it really exists, and have we spelt the word right .

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[Sigmar]

Well done you are one of the few posters that gets the famous
"Tiax's official badge of laughter". So without further ado,(ahem) I award this to John D harris.


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"Tiax will rule all!Just ask him and you will see."

Tiax, warmaster of clan HADB

[This message has been edited by Sigmar (edited 07-04-2001).]

[This message has been edited by Sigmar (edited 07-04-2001).]

[Lady Avalon]

Thanks for posting this. I laughed all the way through it.

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[RudeDawg]

LOLSFHCSARLMSFLBP => LAUGHING OUT LOUD SO FREAKING HARD COFFEE SPOOGED AROUND ROOM LIKE MONEY SHOT FROM LOW BUDGET PORNO


ok, OK...

you are on a ROLL, my man.....

Ya know, i think our mom's were related...

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The RudeDawg, known in these Forgotten Realms as Perin LightEyes
"Let them come, Let them ALL come."
-"Ender says, 'The enemy is down.' "

[This message has been edited by RudeDawg (edited 07-04-2001).]