Friends x (help!)

[sylent]

I've come here with a bit of a dilemna, which I'm hoping I might be able to get a little advice on.

As the title suggests, its about one of my friends ex-girlfriends. They broke up over two months ago, after roughly a year together. I didn't really know her when she was with my friend, and I didn't know her before. They don't get on very well anymore, though they still see each other. Since they broke up started chatting with her on the net, and we met up to see a film one time. I got to know her really well, and through another friend it was discovered that we both liked each other.
But... I'm faced with the problem that she's one of my good friends ex's. I don't know how he would feel about it, having not asked him but I doubt he'd be pleased. I haven't ever faced the problem of having one of my friends go out with an ex (since I've never had one), so I don't really know what ties remain. Personally I feel its a bit of a betrayel, and I told this girl that, and that I didn't think it could work for that reason and she seemed pretty upset, but also seemed to understand the situation I was in.

I guess all I'm after here is any other experiences any of you might have had along these lines. I'd appreciate it a lot [img]smile.gif[/img]

I find this pretty strange, because a lot of people will probably just laugh at what I'm saying here. But hey, I thought it was worth a shot

[Animal]

Originally posted by sylent: I've come here with a bit of a dilemna, which I'm hoping I might be able to get a little advice on. As the title suggests, its about one of my friends ex-girlfriends. They broke up over two months ago, after roughly a year together. I didn't really know her when she was with my friend, and I didn't know her before. They don't get on very well anymore, though they still see each other. Since they broke up started chatting with her on the net, and we met up to see a film one time. I got to know her really well, and through another friend it was discovered that we both liked each other. But... I'm faced with the problem that she's one of my good friends ex's. I don't know how he would feel about it, having not asked him but I doubt he'd be pleased. I haven't ever faced the problem of having one of my friends go out with an ex (since I've never had one), so I don't really know what ties remain. Personally I feel its a bit of a betrayel, and I told this girl that, and that I didn't think it could work for that reason and she seemed pretty upset, but also seemed to understand the situation I was in. I guess all I'm after here is any other experiences any of you might have had along these lines. I'd appreciate it a lot [img]smile.gif[/img] I find this pretty strange, because a lot of people will probably just laugh at what I'm saying here. But hey, I thought it was worth a shot

It's quite simply. Ask the guy if he has a problem with you dating her. If he truly has no feelings for her, he won't care either way, but at the very least you'll have shown your friend respect enough to ask.
If he says no, then you've got some tough decisions to make.

[LordKathen]

Dont do it man! Unless you dont value your friendship with your bud.
Even if he says its cool, he wont mean it. He will feel betrayed. Try to imagine how you would feel. I am sorry if I am being hard here, but I feel very strong about this.
My old group of friends we're real close for years. Most of us have moved on and grown up. Over the years this kind of thing went on all the time. I have only been on your buddies side of the track. I told my best friend that it was cool if he dated my x. I was lying, he knew it. He dated her once and then left it alone for my sake.
We are still best of friends. Dont do it man.

[RevRuby]

my hubby and his friends "shared a girl" not at once, but it can work without killing friendships.

nathan says ask the friend, and if he says it's cool, keep your relationship with her to yourself, don;t talk about it, or anything like that. at least not in depth to your friend.

[Bungleau]

The key thing IMHO is to be up-front with your friend about it. Talk to him about it before he finds out from someone else -- that would most likely p!$$ him off. If he says he's cool with it, then go with it... but don't rub his face in it. Long drawn-out discussions about how wonderful she is and how you're so glad to be with her will not help your friendship...

And I've gotta say, LK, that if you lied to your best friend about something like this, what does that really say about your friendship? Personally, I hate being put to the test to see if I "do the right thing". It usually inspires me to a one-fingered salute.

Of course, that depends on whether he asked a week after you broke up, or several years after. A week after is just being pond scum.

Hold on a second... grabs asbestos flame suit Okay, go ahead. I'm ready [img]smile.gif[/img]

[The Hunter of Jahanna]

all I can say is "Bros before Ho's"

[LordKathen]

Originally posted by The Hunter of Jahanna: all I can say is "Bros before Ho's"

That is another way to say it.

[Harkoliar]

personally, i would tell my friend about it first before going out with the girl. its up to you though. hard decision man...

[LordKathen]

Originally posted by Bungleau: The key thing IMHO is to be up-front with your friend about it. Talk to him about it before he finds out from someone else -- that would most likely p!$$ him off. If he says he's cool with it, then go with it... but don't rub his face in it. Long drawn-out discussions about how wonderful she is and how you're so glad to be with her will not help your friendship... And I've gotta say, LK, that if you lied to your best friend about something like this, what does that really say about your friendship? Personally, I hate being put to the test to see if I "do the right thing". It usually inspires me to a one-fingered salute. Of course, that depends on whether he asked a week after you broke up, or several years after. A week after is just being pond scum. Hold on a second... grabs asbestos flame suit Okay, go ahead. I'm ready [img]smile.gif[/img]

grabs flamethrower
Personally, I would expect more from my friend in the first place. A real friend would not even ask something like this in the first place. He would not consider dating the x. If the girl wanted to ask the first guy, that may be a little more apropriate. Then he could come to you with his issue.
My friend did not ask me, she aproached me about it first, then I went to my friend and told him it was ok.
This put the integrity of the friendship in his hands. Like you said about being tested. I dont like it either, but issues do come up. Such is life.
I once was in an altercation were my "friend" left me there alone to deal with the problem he started. He failed at this life test miserably.

[Sever]

I can only speak from your friend's POV, sylent. It depends on how strong his feelings are/were for her. If it was a strong relationship, no matter what he may say to you, he's going to be pissed if you start seeing her. Maybe his feelings will be less obvious if it is her that asks. Or maybe he wont be openly hostile if you do not talk about her in front of him. But either way, he's not going to like it, or you, as long as you're with her.