Vicotnik's chamber of laughter - Page 7

Vicotnik · 03-06-2001, 02:48 PM

hehe! excellent!

I'll be posting some more later tonight.

------------------

Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

Vicotnik · 03-06-2001, 07:44 PM

A 64 year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-two year-old woman."

"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.

Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunchtime, she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.

The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"

The old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."

------------------

Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

Vicotnik · 03-06-2001, 07:46 PM

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called an artist.

Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return, I expect to see it completed."

Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions.

Furious, he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire.

"Why, that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly.

"No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!"

"And there you have it," said the artist. "I call it, 'Holy cow, look at all those ■■■■■■■ Indians.'"

------------------

Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

Vicotnik · 03-06-2001, 07:48 PM

not for the faint of heart!
.
.
.
.
.
.
I mean it!
.
.
.
.
.One day, a guy with premature ejaculation problems went to a doctor.

The doctor said, "Whenever you feel the urge to ejaculate, startle yourself."

So he went out and bought a starter pistol.

When he got home, his wife was naked in bed, ready for him. So they got in the 69 position and started at it. Soon he felt the urge to come, so he fired the pistol.

The next day, he went to the doctor. The doctor asked him how it went.

He said, "Not too good. My wife bit off three inches of my dick, shit in my face, and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands up."
.
.

Told you so!

------------------

Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

Vicotnik · 03-06-2001, 08:00 PM

In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in the main rectory. That is reserved for the Pastor and his housekeeper. One day, the pastor invited his new young assistant pastor to have dinner at the rectory. While being served, the young pastor noticed how shapely and lovely the housekeeper was and he wondered if there was anything indecent going on between the two.

After the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured the young priest that everything was purely professional and that she was the housekeeper and cook and that was that. About a week later, the housekeeper came to the pastor and said, "Father, ever since the new assistant came for dinner I have not been able to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?"

The Pastor said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter."

So he wrote: "Dear Father, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing since you were here for dinner."

The young assistant received the letter and he answered it as follows: "Dear Father Pastor, I'm not saying that you do sleep with the housekeeper and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with the housekeeper. But I do know for certain that if you slept in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle."

------------------

Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

Vicotnik · 03-06-2001, 08:02 PM

There was this guy sitting on a park bench muttering to himself and spitting. He would mutter, then spit, mutter, then spit, he would say, "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive", then spit.

A man sits down next to him and asks him, "What's going on here? You keep saying, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive, then you spit".

"Well", says the guy, "my friend just got a brand-new sports car, so he called me and asked me if I wanted to go for a ride. So I said sure, why not?"

He picked me up and we drove up to the mountains. After we had lunch, we started back down the mountain and his brakes went out!! He's pumping the pedal, and nothing!! So there we were picking up speed and the road is all twisty and curvey.

We're going faster and faster and it's hard to stay on the road. I've got my fingers embedded in the dashboard, and I'm pleading with him to do something!!

We're going about 90 mph now, with a sheer cliff on our right, a 500 foot drop on the other side, an 18 wheeler right on our ass, and an overturned motorhome right in front of us. Well, I figured this is it!! I just know we're gonna die!! So I turne to him and said... "Buddy, if you can get us outta this, I'll give you the best damn blow job you've ever had!!"

"DAMN, THAT SONOFABITCH CAN DRIVE!!"... (SPIT)

------------------

Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

Vicotnik · 03-06-2001, 08:06 PM

Two nuns go out of the convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour?

SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to start walking faster.

SM: It is not working.

SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only obvious thing to do. He started to walk faster too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow both of us. So they split up and the man decided to go after Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not yet arrived. Finally, Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell us what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he followed me.

SM: So, what happened? Please tell us.

SL: The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could.

SM: So what happened?

SL: The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And what else?

SL: The only logical thing to happen. He reached me.

SM: Oh, no! What did you do then?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister. What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down...

------------------

Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

Vicotnik · 03-06-2001, 08:09 PM

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill but warns her that it is still experimental and tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. That night at dinner, she does so.

About a week later, she's back at the doctor.

She says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes, and he jumps up, rakes all the food and dishes on the floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off, and ravages me right there on the table!"

The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."

"Naah," she says, "that's okay. We aren't going back to that restaurant anyway."

Phew! That's been a lot. I'm going to bed now, more tomorrow.

------------------

Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

KDogRex · 03-07-2001, 08:27 AM

LOL!!!! This is great, but Vikotnik, you really need a life... Here's a few from Minneapolis... Warning ahead of time, most of them are dirty, and some are downright crude, so I apologize ahead of time!!!

This guy walked into a bar and ordered 11 shots of tequila. Once the bartender Laid out the glasses and filled 'em up, the man slammed 'em down.
The bartender says "Whoa! Slow down there, whats the problem?"
The man says "You'd drink that fast if you have what I have."
"And what's that" asked the bartender.
The man said "Seventy-five cents."

KDogRex · 03-07-2001, 08:28 AM

What's the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies?
"Hey y'all... Watch this!"

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03-06-2001, 02:48 PM	#61
Vicotnik Zhentarim Guard Join Date: March 1, 2001 Posts: 362	hehe! excellent! I'll be posting some more later tonight. ------------------ Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

03-06-2001, 07:44 PM	#62
Vicotnik Zhentarim Guard Join Date: March 1, 2001 Posts: 362	A 64 year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-two year-old woman." "What's wrong with that?" asks the young man. Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunchtime, she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak. The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?" The old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live." ------------------ Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

03-06-2001, 07:46 PM	#63
Vicotnik Zhentarim Guard Join Date: March 1, 2001 Posts: 362	An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return, I expect to see it completed." Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions. Furious, he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire. "Why, that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly. "No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!" "And there you have it," said the artist. "I call it, 'Holy cow, look at all those ■■■■■■■ Indians.'" ------------------ Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

03-06-2001, 07:48 PM	#64
Vicotnik Zhentarim Guard Join Date: March 1, 2001 Posts: 362	not for the faint of heart! . . . . . . I mean it! . . . . .One day, a guy with premature ejaculation problems went to a doctor. The doctor said, "Whenever you feel the urge to ejaculate, startle yourself." So he went out and bought a starter pistol. When he got home, his wife was naked in bed, ready for him. So they got in the 69 position and started at it. Soon he felt the urge to come, so he fired the pistol. The next day, he went to the doctor. The doctor asked him how it went. He said, "Not too good. My wife bit off three inches of my dick, shit in my face, and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands up." . . Told you so! ------------------ Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

03-06-2001, 08:00 PM	#65
Vicotnik Zhentarim Guard Join Date: March 1, 2001 Posts: 362	In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in the main rectory. That is reserved for the Pastor and his housekeeper. One day, the pastor invited his new young assistant pastor to have dinner at the rectory. While being served, the young pastor noticed how shapely and lovely the housekeeper was and he wondered if there was anything indecent going on between the two. After the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured the young priest that everything was purely professional and that she was the housekeeper and cook and that was that. About a week later, the housekeeper came to the pastor and said, "Father, ever since the new assistant came for dinner I have not been able to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?" The Pastor said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter." So he wrote: "Dear Father, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing since you were here for dinner." The young assistant received the letter and he answered it as follows: "Dear Father Pastor, I'm not saying that you do sleep with the housekeeper and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with the housekeeper. But I do know for certain that if you slept in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle." ------------------ Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

03-06-2001, 08:02 PM	#66
Vicotnik Zhentarim Guard Join Date: March 1, 2001 Posts: 362	There was this guy sitting on a park bench muttering to himself and spitting. He would mutter, then spit, mutter, then spit, he would say, "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive", then spit. A man sits down next to him and asks him, "What's going on here? You keep saying, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive, then you spit". "Well", says the guy, "my friend just got a brand-new sports car, so he called me and asked me if I wanted to go for a ride. So I said sure, why not?" He picked me up and we drove up to the mountains. After we had lunch, we started back down the mountain and his brakes went out!! He's pumping the pedal, and nothing!! So there we were picking up speed and the road is all twisty and curvey. We're going faster and faster and it's hard to stay on the road. I've got my fingers embedded in the dashboard, and I'm pleading with him to do something!! We're going about 90 mph now, with a sheer cliff on our right, a 500 foot drop on the other side, an 18 wheeler right on our ass, and an overturned motorhome right in front of us. Well, I figured this is it!! I just know we're gonna die!! So I turne to him and said... "Buddy, if you can get us outta this, I'll give you the best damn blow job you've ever had!!" "DAMN, THAT SONOFABITCH CAN DRIVE!!"... (SPIT) ------------------ Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

03-06-2001, 08:06 PM	#67
Vicotnik Zhentarim Guard Join Date: March 1, 2001 Posts: 362	Two nuns go out of the convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour? SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants. SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us. SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do? SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to start walking faster. SM: It is not working. SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only obvious thing to do. He started to walk faster too. SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute. SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow both of us. So they split up and the man decided to go after Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not yet arrived. Finally, Sister Logical arrives. SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell us what happened! SL: The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he followed me. SM: So, what happened? Please tell us. SL: The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could. SM: So what happened? SL: The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as fast as he could. SM: And what else? SL: The only logical thing to happen. He reached me. SM: Oh, no! What did you do then? SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up. SM: Oh, Sister. What did the man do? SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants. SM: Oh, no! What happened then? SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down... ------------------ Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

03-06-2001, 08:09 PM	#68
Vicotnik Zhentarim Guard Join Date: March 1, 2001 Posts: 362	A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill but warns her that it is still experimental and tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. That night at dinner, she does so. About a week later, she's back at the doctor. She says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes, and he jumps up, rakes all the food and dishes on the floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off, and ravages me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Naah," she says, "that's okay. We aren't going back to that restaurant anyway." Phew! That's been a lot. I'm going to bed now, more tomorrow. ------------------ Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

03-07-2001, 08:27 AM	#69
KDogRex Symbol of Cyric Join Date: March 5, 2001 Location: Minneapolis, MN USA Age: 55 Posts: 1,305	LOL!!!! This is great, but Vikotnik, you really need a life... Here's a few from Minneapolis... Warning ahead of time, most of them are dirty, and some are downright crude, so I apologize ahead of time!!! This guy walked into a bar and ordered 11 shots of tequila. Once the bartender Laid out the glasses and filled 'em up, the man slammed 'em down. The bartender says "Whoa! Slow down there, whats the problem?" The man says "You'd drink that fast if you have what I have." "And what's that" asked the bartender. The man said "Seventy-five cents."

03-07-2001, 08:28 AM	#70
KDogRex Symbol of Cyric Join Date: March 5, 2001 Location: Minneapolis, MN USA Age: 55 Posts: 1,305	What's the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies? "Hey y'all... Watch this!"

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