Vicotnik's chamber of laughter

[Vicotnik]

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated, and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
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Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.)
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The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep scrolling.
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So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, it illustrates another point: Women never listen either.


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Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

[WOLFGIR]

LMTO!! hehehehe. hrmm

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::WOLFGIR::

[Vicotnik]

A lady approaches her priest and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquires.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible," the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responds.

The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"


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Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

[Vicotnik]

First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks. Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker."

Janet responded. "Just because I am considered ugly, doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."

Hillary asks, "Well how do you deal with the problem?"

Janet: "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest, fart I can."

Well, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary headed for bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him. She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.

Bill rolls over and says, "Is that you Janet?."


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Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

[Vicotnik]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

The next Sunday, he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon when he got nervous, he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1.Sip the vodka; don't gulp.
2.There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3.There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4.Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5.Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not "bet his ass."
6.We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7.The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior, and the spook.
8.David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit outta him.
9.When David was hit by a stone and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10.We don't refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11.When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12.The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the cherry."
13.The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
14.There will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

LOL!

not mine!

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Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

THE PARENT'S BILL OF RIGHTS:

My son came home from school one day, a smirk upon his face.
He'd decided he was smart enough to put me in my place.
HE SAID:
Guess what I learned in civics 2, thats taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today:
THE CHILDREN'S BILL OF RIGHTS.
I don't have to clean my room, don't have to cut my hair.
No one can tell me what to think, how to speak, or, what to wear.
I have freedom FROM religion, and regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head, and I sure DON'T HAVE TO PRAY.
I can wear earrings if I want, and pierce my tongue and nose.
I can read and watch just what I like, be tattooed from head to toes.
AND if you ever spank me, I'll charge you with the crime,
I'll back up all my charges, with the marks on my behind.
HE SAID:
Don't you ever touch me, This body's for MY use,
not for your hugs and kisses, that's just more child abuse.
HE CONTINUED WITH:
Don't preach about your morals, like your mama did to you.
That's nothing but your mind control, and it's illegal too!
Mom, I have these children's rights, so you can't influence me,
Or I'll call Children's Services, better known as C.S.D.

MY TURN:

Well, of course, my natural instinct was to toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach a lesson, made me think a little more.
I mulled it over carefully, I couldn't let this go.
A little smile crept to my face... he was messing with a pro!
AND AWAY WE GO
Next day I took him shopping, at the local Good Will store,
I told him pick out what you want, there are pants and shirts galore!
I've called and checked with CSD, they said the didn't care, if I bought you
K-mart shoes, instead of Nike Airs.
Oh! AND...
I've cancelled that appointment to take your driver's test.
CSD is unconcerned, so I'll decide what's best.
I SAID:
No time to stop and eat, o pick up stuff to munch,
and tomorrow you can start to learn to make your own sack lunch.
Just save that raging appetite, and wait'l dinner time,
we're having liver and onions, it's a favorite of mine.
HE ASKED:
Can we stop to rent a movie, so I can watch the VCR?
Sorry, I said, I sold your TV, for new tires on my car.
I also rented out your room, you can take the couch instead.
The CSD requires just a roof above your head.
Your clothing won't be trendy now, I'll choose the food we eat,
That allowance that you used to get will buy me something neat.
I'm selling off your jet ski, Dirt-bike and roller blades.
Check out the PARENTS BILL OF RIGHTS, it's in effect TODAY!

Hey, Hot Shot, are you crying?
Whyever are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you?
...GO CALL THE CSD.

Share this one with some parents you know.

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When given a choice, take both.

[This message has been edited by JJ/newbie (edited 03-06-2001).]

I hope someone will direct Father Bronze to this one, I be he knows alot
of parents who need to read it.

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When given a choice, take both.

[Vicotnik]

LOL!! JJ! That's a good one!

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Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

[Father Bronze]

I found it. And yes, this brings to mind a few students of mine. I probably wouldn't have ended up here without a little direction.
. Thanks, JJ/newbie.

[Black Knight]

An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling? "I've never felt better," he replies. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near the creek, and suddenly he spots a beaver in some brush in front of him. He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. BAM! The beaver drops dead in front of him." "Thats impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "someone else must have shot the beaver!" "Bingo!" says the doctor...



BK