Vicotnik's chamber of laughter

[Charean]

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be
a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There's beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast-line.

The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed. "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them."

[Charean]

Points to Ponder
1. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
2. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
4. How do I set my laser printer on stun?
5. How is it possible to have a civil war?
6. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
7. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
8. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
9. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
10. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
11. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
12. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
13. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
14. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
15. Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
16. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
17. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
18. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
19. What happens when none of your bees wax?
20. Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?
21. If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
22. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
23. If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away

[Charean]

Old & new concerns for the Baby Boomers

Then: Long hair.
Now: Longing for hair.

Then: Keg
Now: EKG

Then: Acid rock.
Now: Acid reflux.

Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
Now: Moving to California because it's hot.

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids.

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

Then: Seeds and stems.
Now: Roughage.

Then: Popping pills, smoking joints.
Now: Popping joints.

Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity.

Then: Paar.
Now: AARP

Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
Now: Being caught by Hustler magazine.

Then: Killer weed.
Now: Weed killer.

Then: Hoping for a BMW.
Now: Hoping for a BM

Then: The Grateful Dead.
Now. Dr. Kevorian.

Then: Getting out to a new hip joint.
Now: Getting a new hip joint.

[Charean]

1. SUPPORT CANNIBALISM .... EAT ME!
2. Always remember you're unique.... just like everyone else.
3. I don't have a license to kill.... just a learner's permit.
4. I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
5. Keep honking while I reload.
6. Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
7. Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
8. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
9. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
10. 5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two,it's an amusement park.
11. EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
14. I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
15. Save the Whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
16. Just say NO! to sex with pro-lifers.
17. My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her.... or something like that.
18. Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an American Indian!
19. Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
20. If we are what we eat, then I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
21. Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
22. Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
23. Jesus loves you... Everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
24. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
25. I don't suffer from insanity... I enjoy every minute of it!
26. If ignorance is bliss.... then you must be orgasmic!
27. Jesus is coming.... everyone look busy!
28. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
29. Be nice to your kids... they will pick out your nursing home.
30. I got a gun for my wife... best trade I ever made.
31. A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
32. Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
33. To all you virgins: Thanks for nothing.
34. Earth is the mental ward for the Universe.
35. Horn broken... watch for finger.
36. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.
37. Hang up and drive!
38. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
39. Lord save me from your followers.
40. Sometimes I wake up grumpy.... other times I let her sleep.
41. I want to die like my Grandpa - in my sleep. Not yelling and screaming
like his passengers.
42. Montana.... at least our cows are sane!
43. I didn't fight my way to the head of the food chain to be a vegetarian!
44. 100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
45. You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT.
46. Save your Breath... you'll need it to blow up your date!
47. Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
48. All Men Are Animals. Some Just Make Better Pets
49. I need someone really bad... Are you really bad?
50. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
51. All men are idiots... I married their king.
52. The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
53. Out of my mind..... Back in five minutes.
54. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
55. where there's a will... I want to be on it.
56. Don't drink and drive.... You might hit a bump and spill it.
57. We are born naked, wet, and hungry.... then things get worse.
58. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
59. Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
60. Honk If You Want To See My Finger.
61. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
62. Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus.
63. It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
64. When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
65. Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students!
66. Warning: Date in Calendar are closer than they appear.
67. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
68. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
69. The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
70. Practice safe sex, go screw yourself.
71. Please tell your pants its not polite to point.
72. If that phone was up your butt, maybe you could drive a little better.
73. If at first you don't succeed... blame someone else and seek counseling.
74. Impotence: Nature's way of saying, "No Hard Feelings".
75. Are these your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
76. Make yourself at home... clean my kitchen.
77. Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here is done.
78. Too many freaks not enough circuses.
79. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
80 I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck.
81. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
82. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
83. Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.
84. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen
asleep yet.
85. Who are these kids and why are they call me Mom?
86. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
87. You! Off my planet!
88. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
89. I majored in liberal arts. Would you like fries with that?
90. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
91. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
92. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
93. A penny saved is ridiculous.
94. It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
95. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
96. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
97. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
98. You have the right to remain silent.... Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
99. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
100. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

[Charean]

Letters to the Landlord

1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.
2. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.
4. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?
5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
6. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
7. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
8. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
9. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
10. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
11. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.
12. Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old page pensioner and need it straight away.
13. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
14. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.
15. When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

[Charean]

Words of Wisdom

* The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

* It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

* It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

* Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

* We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

* No one is listening until you make a mistake.

* Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

* If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

* If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

* The trouble with work is - it's so daily.

* Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people is crazy. Check 3 friends, if they are OK, you're it!

* Pain and suffering is inevitable but misery is optional.

* Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the World Wide Web, and he won't bother you for weeks.

[Charean]

A professor at the University of Kentucky is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his
audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts,do any of you think you've ever seen
a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
15 students raise their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
One student way in the back raises his hand.

The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've
been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here
and tell us about your experience."

The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. As he ambles slowly toward the podium the professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."

The student replies, "Ghost?!? Shiiiiiit..... From way back there I thought you said "goats."

[Charean]

Thoughts for the day:

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing a bank robbery has just taken place.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' She sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'

[Charean]

Life For MEN is Easy!

Your ass is never a factor in an interview.
Your orgasms are real. Always.
Your last name never changes.
The garage is all yours.
Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Foreplay is optional.
You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just Too Icky.
You don't have to schedule sex, vacations, wearing that new outfit, etc.,
around your reproductive system.
Same work...more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
Wedding dress - $2000, tux rental - $100.
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister or mangle your feet.
Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
Going shirtless in public is perfectly acceptable.
No Pantyhose.

[Charean]

Two weeks ago the IRS sent notices to 60 million Americans informing
them of a new program designed to make paying taxes much easier.
Unfortunately the notices had inaccurate information printed on them.
The erroneous portion of the notice stated, "If you would like to make
paying your taxes easier, then send us a check that is equal to 50% of
all of your current cash holdings and assets." The IRS claims that this
statement is incorrect.

The notice was supposed to say "Send us a check that is equal to 100% of
all of your current cash holdings and assets."

The IRS apologizes for any inconvenience that may have been caused by
this mistake.

*Disclaimer: This story is totally false not one shred of it is true! It was created for entertainment purposes ONLY. Any resemblance to the truth is purely coincidental.