Vicotnik's chamber of laughter - Page 11

03-09-2001, 03:05 PM

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"

Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade.
My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I
think I should be in the thirdgrade too!"

The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office.
While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was.

The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he
failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first
grade and behave.

The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions are
explained to him and he agrees to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Johnny: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Johnny: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader
should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think
Johnny can go to the third grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"

The principal and Johnny both agree.

The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only
two of?"
Johnny, after a moment, "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the
answer, Johnny replied, "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Johnny: "Pants"

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that
means a lot of excitement?"

Johnny: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Johnny
in the fifth grade, I missed the last four questions myself.

------------------
When given a choice, take both.

03-09-2001, 03:09 PM

comprehending engineers more takes:
Comprehending Engineers - Take Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with
these
guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such
ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the groundskeeper. Let's have a
word with him." "Hi John. Say, what's with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind
firefighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we
always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad.
I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist
buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

------------------
When given a choice, take both.

03-09-2001, 03:11 PM

Comprehending Engineers - Take Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with
these
guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such
ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the groundskeeper. Let's have a
word with him." "Hi John. Say, what's with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind
firefighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we
always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad.
I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist
buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

------------------
When given a choice, take both.

Vicotnik · 03-09-2001, 07:16 PM

Ok here's a good one:

There were a shephard, an engineer and a mathematician and their job was to each as an individual get 200 sheep within a fence.
The shepard started and simply with the aid of his dog shepharded all the sheep into his fenced backyard.
Next up was the engineer, who went to the local store, bought 10 miles worth of fence and built it around all the sheep.
Then it was the mathematicians turn, he thought for a moment and the went to the same store, bought 4 feet of fence, wrapped it around himself, and defined himself as outside the fence!

------------------

Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

Vicotnik · 03-09-2001, 07:34 PM

A missionary who has spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build to become self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The missionary is pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther, and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results, when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity.

The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "This is riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun, and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other. How could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."

------------------

Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

Vicotnik · 03-09-2001, 07:43 PM

One day, two drunks were stumbling around in the alley when they decided they were beginning to get sober. They first checked their pockets to see how much money they had on them. They were disappointed to only find $1.25. Finally, after deep thought, one of the men got an idea. He went to a hot dog stand and bought a hot dog. He walked back to the alley and told the friend that he had found the way to get some free drinks.

They went to the first bar and began drinking shots of hard liquor. Finally, the bartender told the two that if they wanted any more drinks, they better show him that they had some money to pay for it. The man with the hot dog opened his zipper and put the wiener through the opening. He had his friends get down and start sucking on it. The bartender cursed them and made them leave, calling them faggots. They went to another bar and got the same response. They did this at about 20 different bars until they became dog drunk. They staggered back to the alley and lay down waiting to pass out. One of the drunks turned over to the other and said, "Man I have got to admit, that hot dog trick worked great."

At this, the other drunk turned looked at him with a sheepish grin and said, "What hot dog? I ate it at the second bar!"

------------------

Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

Vicotnik · 03-09-2001, 07:46 PM

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for and your answer cannot take that away. But I must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye. She pauses for a moment longer and then confesses, "Yes. Yes, he did."

The old man is very shaken. The reality of what his wife had done hit him harder than he had expected.

With a tear in his eye, he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tries to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.

Finally, she says, "You."

------------------

Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

03-10-2001, 11:53 PM

Comprehending Engineers - Take Five

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
possible
designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system
has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a
toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area."

------------------
When given a choice, take both.

03-10-2001, 11:55 PM

______________________________
Comprehending Engineers - Take Six

"Normal people.....believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough
features
yet."
_______________________________

------------------
When given a choice, take both.

03-10-2001, 11:57 PM

Comprehending Engineers - Take Seven

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was
better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid
foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the
passion
and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each
assume
you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab
and
get some work done."

------------------
When given a choice, take both.

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03-09-2001, 03:05 PM	#101
JJ/newbie Guest Posts: n/a	A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?" Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the thirdgrade too!" The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Johnny: "9". Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Johnny: "36". And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third grade." The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Johnny both agree. The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Johnny, after a moment, "Legs." Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny replied, "Pockets." Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Johnny: "Pants" Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?" Johnny: "Firetruck" The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last four questions myself. ------------------ When given a choice, take both.

03-09-2001, 03:09 PM	#102
JJ/newbie Guest Posts: n/a	comprehending engineers more takes: Comprehending Engineers - Take Three A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the groundskeeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi John. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?" ------------------ When given a choice, take both.

03-09-2001, 03:11 PM	#103
JJ/newbie Guest Posts: n/a	Comprehending Engineers - Take Three A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the groundskeeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi John. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?" ------------------ When given a choice, take both.

03-09-2001, 07:16 PM	#104
Vicotnik Zhentarim Guard Join Date: March 1, 2001 Posts: 362	Ok here's a good one: There were a shephard, an engineer and a mathematician and their job was to each as an individual get 200 sheep within a fence. The shepard started and simply with the aid of his dog shepharded all the sheep into his fenced backyard. Next up was the engineer, who went to the local store, bought 10 miles worth of fence and built it around all the sheep. Then it was the mathematicians turn, he thought for a moment and the went to the same store, bought 4 feet of fence, wrapped it around himself, and defined himself as outside the fence! ------------------ Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

03-09-2001, 07:34 PM	#105
Vicotnik Zhentarim Guard Join Date: March 1, 2001 Posts: 362	A missionary who has spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build to become self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther, and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results, when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "This is riding a bike." The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun, and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other. How could he just kill these people in cold blood that way? The chief replied, "My bike." ------------------ Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

03-09-2001, 07:43 PM	#106
Vicotnik Zhentarim Guard Join Date: March 1, 2001 Posts: 362	One day, two drunks were stumbling around in the alley when they decided they were beginning to get sober. They first checked their pockets to see how much money they had on them. They were disappointed to only find $1.25. Finally, after deep thought, one of the men got an idea. He went to a hot dog stand and bought a hot dog. He walked back to the alley and told the friend that he had found the way to get some free drinks. They went to the first bar and began drinking shots of hard liquor. Finally, the bartender told the two that if they wanted any more drinks, they better show him that they had some money to pay for it. The man with the hot dog opened his zipper and put the wiener through the opening. He had his friends get down and start sucking on it. The bartender cursed them and made them leave, calling them faggots. They went to another bar and got the same response. They did this at about 20 different bars until they became dog drunk. They staggered back to the alley and lay down waiting to pass out. One of the drunks turned over to the other and said, "Man I have got to admit, that hot dog trick worked great." At this, the other drunk turned looked at him with a sheepish grin and said, "What hot dog? I ate it at the second bar!" ------------------ Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

03-09-2001, 07:46 PM	#107
Vicotnik Zhentarim Guard Join Date: March 1, 2001 Posts: 362	A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for and your answer cannot take that away. But I must know, did he have a different father?" The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye. She pauses for a moment longer and then confesses, "Yes. Yes, he did." The old man is very shaken. The reality of what his wife had done hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye, he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?" Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tries to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Finally, she says, "You." ------------------ Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

03-10-2001, 11:53 PM	#108
JJ/newbie Guest Posts: n/a	Comprehending Engineers - Take Five Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area." ------------------ When given a choice, take both.

03-10-2001, 11:55 PM	#109
JJ/newbie Guest Posts: n/a	______________________________ Comprehending Engineers - Take Six "Normal people.....believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet." _______________________________ ------------------ When given a choice, take both.

03-10-2001, 11:57 PM	#110
JJ/newbie Guest Posts: n/a	Comprehending Engineers - Take Seven An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done." ------------------ When given a choice, take both.

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