06-16-2001, 07:47 PM | #1 |
Manshoon
Join Date: May 1, 2001
Location: Demiplane of Shadow
Posts: 248
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I recently open a "storytelling" board on my forums. If you would do me the honour of visiting and reading the story and posting a critique(here or there, depending on if you want to/are registered).
The link is here or http://www.strider.worldzone.net/cgi...rum=13&topic=2 there^^ Thanks for reading, and/or the response in advance. =D P.S. Please bear in mind typos may happen, so if you see an error please quote it so thst i may render it. =P ------------------ I am YOUR omega. Strider's Chambers - My website about roleplaying. Under HEAVY development. The Shadow Network - My fairly well developed roleplaying community. Roleplaying open to everyone. NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Our *four*...no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again. [This message has been edited by Shadowstrider (edited 06-16-2001).] |
06-17-2001, 04:19 AM | #2 |
Elite Waterdeep Guard
Join Date: June 16, 2001
Posts: 13
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Ehm, no comments :-D
------------------ Krede |
06-17-2001, 05:12 AM | #3 | |
Zhentarim Guard
Join Date: June 4, 2001
Location: Los Angeles, CA USA
Posts: 340
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Here are some grammar/typo/misspelling notes:
"...but colder "...who seemed quite adept out in nature..." Adept refers to a action/skill, maybe replace this phrase with "... who seemed at one with nature..." "...saw a large cave ahead with a smoke cloud emerging from it "...she was quite petite." "...because of her bony frame." "Behind her, followed a larger male." No verb in that sentence. "...him stand out a()bit on the sandy path." a bit - not one word "On the cloaks brim was the insignia..." Does a cloak have a brim? "Behind him, the smallest in height, though large in girthwhat action?." Again no verb "A hammer was strapped to his back and a huge shield hung at his side. "The winds grew "...faster and stronger th "...deeper signifi "Cloaked by shadows and the cloak that was given to him by Dimirk, the soulwarden. Shadowstrider heard the wind and emerged from the shadows." Combine these statements into one sentence separated by a comma, since the first phrase has no subject. It is clear that you mean Shadowstrider, but you never say it. It reads correctly like this: "Cloaked by shadows and the cloak that was given to him by Dimirk, the soulwarden, Shadowstrider heard the wind and emerged from the shadows." "...you may rob "Nodding, Shadowstrider acknowledged the priest and slipped into the shadows "...more of a welcome th "...asked, knowing full well the answer." These are from the first post... I trust you are open to critique, since you requested it. I will get back to the rest later... Or you may want to proofread it again...
------------------ [This message has been edited by DawnChaser (edited 06-17-2001).] |
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06-17-2001, 05:27 AM | #4 |
Dungeon Master
Join Date: May 25, 2001
Posts: 74
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Are you looking for any particular kind of criticism?
I'm pretty good at catching grammatical errors and dangling clauses; plot holes and characters not being in character takes a little longer. DP |
06-17-2001, 05:29 AM | #5 |
Manshoon
Join Date: May 1, 2001
Location: Demiplane of Shadow
Posts: 248
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all forms of criticism are good.
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06-17-2001, 05:35 AM | #6 |
Manshoon
Join Date: May 1, 2001
Location: Demiplane of Shadow
Posts: 248
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Dawnchaser: Thanks for the grammatical analysis. Now you know why I am an author, not an editor =P(actually I am neither, I just like writing.)
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06-17-2001, 06:52 AM | #7 | |||
Zhentarim Guard
Join Date: June 4, 2001
Location: Los Angeles, CA USA
Posts: 340
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Second post (I decided to make the changes, then you can compare the two):
What does the underlined phrase "stayed his tire" mean? Quote:
Quote:
------------------ [This message has been edited by DawnChaser (edited 06-17-2001).] |
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06-17-2001, 07:06 AM | #8 |
Thoth - Egyptian God of Wisdom
Join Date: March 12, 2001
Location: Birmingham, West Mid\'s, England
Age: 87
Posts: 2,859
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Um. Haven't read all of it, but enough to be able to mention a few things.
1.Although very derivitive, you have a good eye for the dramatic scene. 2.You obviously enjoy writing. It shows. A writer who ENJOYS it so much has the potential to become a GOOD writer. 3.You really need to learn something about sentence structure. This is VITALLY important if you want people to enjoy READING your writing as much as you enjoy the WRITING. If you want me to, I can do a rewrite of ONE PARAGRAPH to show you what I mean about sentence structure. Over to you! ------------------ |
06-17-2001, 07:22 AM | #9 |
Manshoon
Join Date: May 1, 2001
Location: Demiplane of Shadow
Posts: 248
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stayed his tire is bad slang =)
means he was tired but he didn't rest(like stayed his hand) |
06-17-2001, 07:26 AM | #10 | |
Manshoon
Join Date: May 1, 2001
Location: Demiplane of Shadow
Posts: 248
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Quote:
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