Joke World 10-1-08

[Arvon]

Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park.

He sat down on a bench and began eating. Since Jews do not eat
leavened bread during the eight day holiday, he was eating Matzoh,
a flat crunchy unleavened bread that has dozens of perforations.

A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him.
Feeling neighbourly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the
blind man.

The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled,
and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this crap?"

[Bungleau]

LOL! Nice one, Arvon!

[Arvon]

Sam and a beautiful woman walk into a very posh Beverly Hills furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.

As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000." "No problem! I'll write you a check!" "Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after your check has cleared."

So Sam and the woman leave. On Monday, the Morris returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here? There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!"

"I just had to come by," grinned Sam, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

[Kyrvias]

Arvon, have you been reading Plato and a Platypus walk into a bar?

[Arvon]

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor."

[Arvon]

Back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now we are trusting the economy of our country to a pack of nit-wits who couldn't make money running a cat house and selling booze?

[Arvon]

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex."

"But you are not wearing any of those things," replied the artist.

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

[Arvon]

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
I had amnesia once — or twice. I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart. Now what?
Protons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.
If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible … and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he’ll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk about other people.
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? Hmmmm.
My weight is perfect for my height — which varies.
I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity.
How can there be self-help “groups”?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
The speed of time is one-second per second.
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What’s another word for thesaurus?
Is Marx’s tomb a communist plot?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I’ll show you a man who can’t get his pants off.
It’s not an optical illusion. It just like one.

[Variol (Farseer) Elmwood]

Thanks Arvon,
..some good ones in there!

[Arvon]

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"

"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."