Cloudy's Corner, TEEHEE!

[Charean]

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen.
He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to
surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if
they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow
me to demonstrate."

She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this
question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this
child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up
and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of
the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse
Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can
answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this
child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get
back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. Helms immediately calls a meeting of
other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for
several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation,
Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a
child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb cracker."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I
Know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony Blair!"


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Defender for the Light -
Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?!?
Wandering Joke of the Laughing Hyenas
Aquisition master of the Finest of Humours - and the Killer Joke

[Charean]

ACTUAL T-SHIRT SLOGANS.

1. "Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam" (seen on Cape Cod)

2. "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (seen on an 8 year old)

3."Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"

4. "Procrastinate Now"

5."Rehab Is for Quitters"

6. "My Dog Can Lick Anyone"

7. "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?"

8. "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (on a baby-size shirt)

9. "Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15"

10. "ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING"

11. "West Virginia: One Million People, and 15 last names"

12. "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software"

13. "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN"

14. "A hangover is the wrath of grapes"

15. "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance"

16. "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"

17. "They call it "PMS" because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken"

18. "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead"

19. "Time's fun when you're having flies.....Kermit the Frog"

20. "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on."

21. "FOR SALE: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once."

22. "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH"

23. "A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a thousand
times the memory."

26. "The Meek shall inherit the earth....after we're through with it."

27. "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."

28. "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig."

29. "WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years."

30. "The trouble with life is there's no background music."

31. "Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!"

32. "The original point-and-click interface was a Smith & Wesson."

33. "MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT"

34. "MOP AND GLOW - The floor wax used by Three-Mile-Island cleanup team."

35. "NyQuil-The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine."

36. "Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research."

37. "My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought
he was God, and I didn't."


[This message has been edited by Charean (edited 03-24-2001).]

[Charean]

Well, looks like we are back - just in time for round 3 - hang on to your ribs... this is going to hurt!

The following is said to be written by actual students and are "genuine, authentic, and unretouched."


In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.

Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother.
The seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was, by profession, a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.




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Defender for the Light -
Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?!?
Wandering Joke of the Laughing Hyenas
Aquisition master of the Finest of Humours - and the Killer Joke

[Moiraine]

Originally posted by Charean: In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off.

And why not ? He certainly had done enough to deserve a rest !



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[Charean]

"Smart Dog in Training"

Morris gets a new dog and can't wait to show him off
to his neighbor. So when the neighbor comes over,
the guy calls the dog into the house, bragging about
how smart he is. The dog quickly comes running and
stands looking up at his master, tail wagging furiously,
mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright with
anticipation.

Morris points to the newspaper on the couch and
commands, "FETCH!"

Immediately, the dog climbs onto the couch and sits
down. His tail wagging stops and the doggie-smile
disappears. Looking balefully up at his master, he
says in a whiny voice.....

......"You think this is easy wagging my tail all the time?
Oy! It hurts from so much wagging! And you think
that designer dog food you're feeding me is good?
You try it. It's dreck! Too salty! And what do you care?
You just push me out the door to take a squirt twice
a day. I can't even remember the last time you took
me out for a good walk."

The neighbor is amazed. "What the hell is that?
Your dog is sitting there talking!!"

"Oh, I know", explains the dog owner, "He's young,
and I'm still training him. He thought I said KVETCH!

[Charean]

A man on trial in the Fourth Judicial district of Tennessee had
previously pleaded "not guilty." However, once the jury, eight women and four men,had been seated and the trial was under way, the defendant switched his
plea.
"Why the change?" asked the judge, "Were you persuaded to plead 'guilty'?"
"No Sir," the man replied, "When I pleaded 'not guilty', I didn't know women
would be on the jury. I can't fool one woman, so I know I can't fool eight of
them."

[Charean]

From "Disorderly Conduct - Verbatim Excerpts from Actual Court Cases" selected by Rodney R. Jones, Charles M. Sevilla, and Gerald F. Uelmen.

The Court: In this case the request is made for the appointment of the psychologist for the performance of an IQ test. The court does not see the need
for an IQ test since it appears to me that he is dumber than a fencepost.
Counsel: Has the court started it in numerical terms?
The Court: His IQ is less than zero.

Counsel: What device do you have in your laboratory to test alcohol content?
Witness: I have a dual column gas chromatograph, Hewlett-Packard 5710A with flame analyzation detectors.
The Court: Can you get that with mag wheels?
Witness: Only on the floor models.

Counsel: Now, in your report under "Foundation" you indicated that there is
a minimum of cracking and no signs of settling.
Witness: Yes.
Counsel: When you say there is a minimum of cracking, I take it that you did
find some cracking.
Witness: No. Because if I said there was no cracking, I would be in court just like this answering some stupid lawyers' questions. So I put minimum in
there to cover myself, because somebody is going to find a crack somewhere.
The Court: I could say I would like to shake your hand, but I won't.

Counsel: Move to strike -
The Court: No. We are not going to strike it.
Counsel: Move to strike the word "stupid," Your Honor.
The Court: The most appropriate word you want stricken? It is worth the whole trial.

[Charean]

The Perfect Husband

There are several men in the locker room of a private club after
exercising.
Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings.
A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
- "Hello?"
- "Honey, It's me. Are you at the club?"
- "Yes."
- "Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a
beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
- "What's the price?"
- "Only $1,500.00"
- "Well, OK, go ahead and get, if you like it that much..."
- "Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001
models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave
me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we
bought last year..."
- "What price did he quote you?"
- "Only $60,000..."
- "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
- "Great! Before we hang up, something else..."
- "What?"
- "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account
and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the
house we had looked at last year... it's on sale!! Remember? The one
with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."
- "How much are they asking?"
- "Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that
much in the bank to cover..."
- "Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
- "OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
- "Bye... I do too..."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while
holding the phone and asks to all those present: - "Does anyone know who
this phone belongs to?"



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Defender for the Light -
Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?!?
Wandering Joke of the Laughing Hyenas
Aquisition master of the Finest of Humours - and the Killer Joke

[bilqis]

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he
gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.

4. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a
garage makes you a mechanic.

5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

6. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

7. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

8. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
before.

9. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

10. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

11. I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.

12. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

13. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.

14. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

15. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

16. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

17. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

18. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

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Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and good with ketchup. (new member of TLH)

Originally posted by bilqis: 18. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

LOL

No Husband has ever the done the dishes - its a woman's job, besides as they've got smaller feet they can get closer sink, saves the splashing of the water on the floor (j/k)



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Holy Avenger of the OHF
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