Posts, Ducks, and Runs

[Kaltia]

An Englishman, an irishman, and a Scotsman were on the run from the IRA. They located a barn with three sacks in and dove inside. The IRA arrived, weapons out n all, and kicked the sack containing the Scotsman. "WOOF!" the Scotsman yelped. "Oh, it's just a sack of puppies," The IRA said, and kicked the sack with the Englishman inside. "MEOW!" said the englishman. "Oh, it's just a sack of kittens," said the IRA, and kicked the sack with the irishman inside. "POTATOES!" screamed the Irishman.

[Niadh]

Time for Paddy and Mick jokes. Both are Irishmen, I mean no offense etc.

Paddy and Mick are in an open topped plane, Paddy asks Mick "If we turn upside down, do you think we will fall out?"
Mick replies "Na, we will still be friends

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Paddy and Mick are walking down the street when Mick falls down a manhole. "You allright Mick?" paddy shouts down.

"Its really dark, can you throw me a light?" Mick shouts back up. Paddy throws down an unlit match.

"It isn't working" is heard from down the hole.

"Funny" says Paddy "It worked earlier".

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Paddy and Mick are walking down the street when Paddy falls down a manhole this time. "you alright Paddy?" Mick shouts down

"I landed in milk Mick" Paddy shouts back up.
"Is it pasturised?" Mick shouts down, interested.
"Naw, its only at my knees"

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[/)eathKiller]

wooh...

[Kaltia]

Originally posted by /)eathKiller: wooh...

One word posts are illegal!

[Spade]

There are many theories about the bagpipes, otherwise known as the missing link between music and noise. Some say they were invented by a Scotsman who trod on his cat and liked the noise. Others claim that they are based on the noise made by a dying octopus. The truth is, however, that they were given to the Scots by the Irish as a joke -but the Scots haven't seen the joke yet!

[Kaltia]

Originally posted by Spade: There are many theories about the bagpipes, otherwise known as the missing link between music and noise. Some say they were invented by a Scotsman who trod on his cat and liked the noise. Others claim that they are based on the noise made by a dying octopus. The truth is, however, that they were given to the Scots by the Irish as a joke -but the Scots haven't seen the joke yet!

In my personal opinion it's because the rest of the world is too stupid to appreciate the noise. Where's Jerome or Mouse when ya need 'em....

[Sir Krustin]

I heard this one before Arvon, but it was about Newfies not Iowans!

[RevRuby]

Originally posted by Niadh: But it does, hardly anyone in Scotland understands about Iowans and their potatoe farming. Whereas Irish replace them in jokes.

ummm...idaho is the state of famous potatoes!

[Jeffi0]

Originally posted by Spade: Quote: Originally posted by Niadh: I might change Iowan to Irish, that would make more sense in Scotland.

I can't let that slide. For Ireland!!!!! [img]graemlins/evillaughter1.gif[/img] [img]tongue.gif[/img]

If Star Wars were set in Glasgow...
Darth Vader would referred to as 'Auld Helmet Heid' or in moments of stress 'That Dome-Heided Bastad'.

Chewbacca would look roughly the same except he'd only be about 5ft tall, from Blackhill and called Shug. He'd have the same amount of body hair but would also have tattoos, would permanently smell of drink and sport a Rangers top.

Obi-Wan Kenobi would invariably be referred to as Chief or Big Yin by his cohorts. People trying to start a fight with him would address him as Wanky-Nobby.

R2D2 would refuse to go out on the streets after 10pm because of the number of drunks who would try to stuff chip papers in his head casing. He would also refuse to go near groups of wee boys at any time because of the high risk of being spray painted/dumped in front of a speeding train/set on fire.

Although proficient in over 3500 languages C3P0 would still be unable to understand anything anyone from the East End of Glasgow said. He would regularly get beaten up for being a 'greetin-faced poof fae Milngavie'.

The Millenium Falcon would have static strips, tinted windscreens and extra-flared exhaust ports. It would have a Daily Record I Love Scotland sticker in the back window and a saltire bumper sticker.

Princess Leia would get captured by Darth Vader because it's hard to run very fast when you're wearing 5 inch platform heels and a tiny silver mini-skirt which keeps hiking up over your arse every two steps. And you've been a heavy smoker since you were 6.

The best way to destroy the Death Star would not turn out to be a desperate all out attack. Two easy ways would be - alter its orbit so it passed through Bridgeton and tell the locals it was full of kafflicks, or - leave it unattended in Easterhouse.

Lines from the film as they would be uttered in the vernacular:-

Han Solo "I've got a real bad feeling about this"
"Ah'm shitin' ma sel' here boy"

"Bring 'em on! I prefer a straight fight to all this sneaking around."
"Come right ahead then c**ts! Fight the f**ing lot o ye!"

"There's no mystical energy field controls my destiny." "
The Force?!! D'youse think ah came doon wi the rain?!"

"Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid."
"Nae messin aboot wi the god squad and auld rubbish, wee man. Get yersel' a decent shooter"

Darth Vader trying to shoot down Luke Skywalker:
"The Force is strong in this one"
"Stop shooglin' ya wee b*stad!"

Princess Leia:
"You're a little short for a Stormtrooper aren't you?"
"Ah didny think they took short-arses in the polis?"

"This bucket of bolts is never going to get us past that blockade."
"Wuv goat NAE chance in this pile o' sh*te"

Admiral Motti:
"Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Vader."
"You think you're that hard, Vader so ye do. Well we're no feart ae you!"

Obi Wan:
"I felt a great disturbance in the Force."
"F*** me! whit wiz aw that?"

Luke to the Emperor:
"Your overconfidence is your weakness."
"Oh ye bloody think so?, i'll make you feel the f***ing force pal!!"

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Glasgow Banter:

Q. If you see a Glaswegian on a bicycle,why should you never swerve to hit him?
A. It's probably your bicycle

Q. What do you call a Glaswegian in a suit?
A. The accused

Q. Why does the River Clyde run through Glasgow?
A. Because if it walked it would be mugged

Q. What do you call a Glaswegian in a three-bedroom semi?
A. A burglar

Q. Why wasn't Jesus born in Glasgow?
A. Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin

Q. What do you say to a Glaswegian in a uniform?
A. Big Mac & Fries, please

Q. What's the first question at a Glasgow pub quiz?
A. What are you looking at?

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Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him. The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport. Next came the German. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard "Nothing" said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and started off towards the airport. The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" "Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll take the German".

************************************

An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims,'' may the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Garda get here!''[/QUOTE]ROFL! Those are great!

[Bungleau]

Many jokes are of the "fill in the blank" kind, where you pick a group to make fun of. They can be Iowans, Newfies, Polacks, Irish, blondes, politicians, lawyers... anything's fair game.

Variations of these with Mugwumps...

Q: What do you call three Mugwumps in a pond of water up to their necks?
A: Not enough water!

Q: What do you call 50 Mugwumps at the bottom of a pool?
A: A good start...

Q: What's the difference between a Mugwump and an orange?
A: Well, if you don't know, I'm not sending you to the store for oranges!

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Mugwump were arrested in France and sentenced to be guillotined. As the Englishman approached the blade, the executioner asked for his last words. "God save the queen!" he shouted, and was laid down. The blade came screeching to a stop just inches from his neck. The judges conferred, and decided it was the will of God that he go free.

The Frenchman approached and was asked the same question. "Vive la France!" he cried, and again, the blade stopped just short of his neck. Again, it was decided to be the will of God.

The Mugwump came up, and was again asked for his final words. "Ya know," he says, "if you grease the track just a little bit, you'll get rid of that stickiness problem...."

Just swap whatever you want in place of the Mugwump, and away you go.