Pulling The Trigger On Memories

[mammawlin]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by jabidas:
"I feel so very odd reading your posts, I dont have very many happy memories certainly much less so about my family. These are just emotions I know other people feel I dont, I feel privileged though to read these things they make this more human and I feel like I can reach out to you through these small words of mine."

I have been through some times I do not like to talk about or think about. I love this cyber world I have discovered here at Ironworks. Where real people do reach out to each other with words and feelings, and they talk and they listen together. It is a special place that makes me feel privileged too. I seek it out.


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I can do all things through Christ Jesus who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

[This message has been edited by mammawlin (edited 06-08-2001).]

Originally posted by Larry_OHF: I would like to contribute to this page. I seem to have a problem with my feelings when a loved one passes away, because I have an ability to distance myself from the pain. I am angered at myself that I do this, though...because I have had problems with people thinking that I did not care for the passing of this or that person. I lost my "Paw-Paw"(grand father) when I was three to cancer. OK, I was too small then to know anything. The next (that matters) was my "Mom-maw"(grand-mother, wife of previously deseased), just one year ago, also to cancer. At the funeral, I received the wicked comment, "Well you was not very close to her, anyway...". That bothered me, because of course I was close to her. She took care of me every Saturday-Sunday of my entire life! Next was my Great-Grand Mother.."Mama-Gee". She died after being a rotting corpse in a bed for 4 years. She was 99yr. old.(Half-blood, Cherokee). Well, I have never shed a tear in their passing, ever. WHY the Hell Not!!!!!!!!! My big concern is that my Mom is the next on the list. You name it, she's got it...Bone cancer, Disentegrating cartelige in her neck, some sort of Artheritis that is severe, and recently contracted "Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever", a disease contracted by being bit by an infected tick. It usually is deadly, if not taken care of soon, and usually leaves the perosn open to contracting such things as pnuemonia. My problem is that I am afraid that I cannot show anyone how much I will miss her. Yet, I know that the only person that ever would send me over-board would be my wife. Example...I had a bad feeling that something would go wrong at the hospital upon delivery of my first baby. When I am under pressure, I usually do not take the rational approach to things. I can become pretty violent. When I got to the hospital that night at 11:00pm, I knew that for everybody's sake, I needed my friend there, who would be the only one I knew of strong enough to keep me from killing any doctor that my delusional mind might pick as the one responsible for any accidents that may happen. He understood my worry, and stayed there with me until the baby was born, and everything with my wife was ok. He of course had to miss work the next day. I have had dreams where bad things happen to alot of people I know, but I only feel the pain when it is my wife that is hurt. I am sure that I would be ruined, not much worth to anybody after that. I may be suicidal. But who knows how we will react when the time comes... Sorry, I took this a bit off-topic, but I wanted to share everything I view, with those living, as well as the passed-on.

Don't be sorry for taking this "off topic" Larry. This thread has quite a few posts that don't pertain to our good memories of our loved ones that have passed away.

You know my dad was the only person close to me that I shed a tear for?
I had seen all four of my grandparents die, my great grandmother, countless friends, a couple of young cousins and never once did I shed a tear.

I view death as freedom of one's soul, no longer bound to bodies that are ravaged by cancers, diabetes and the like.

When I got the news about my father I fell apart. I screamed, I howled and I cried. I cried for days. I still cry.

Part of this is because if you have read any of my posts prior to this one, you have some idea of what a hero my dad was to me. The only one of my family members who treated me as part of their family. As distant as he could be in very emotional circumstances, he kept me from possibly being killed by my own mother. The light in his eyes when he smiled at me was special...for me alone. We both knew it and by the time I was a teenager, we were very close friends.

The last time I saw him I was twenty years old. He got to know my son as a baby and saw him through his first birthday but never got to see him grow up. I had moved to AZ while he had moved to FL. We never saw each other again and for many years I would break down now and then just because I needed to see his smile, I needed to feel his hug. Nothing could replace the love my dad and I shared.

Last year, I was hoping to go suprise him on Father's Day with an actual visit rather than a phone call. He died ten days before I could get there after 18 years apart. I am crying as I write this...torn because I can not hug my dad.
Crying over the lost is a selfish thing. I am feeling sorry for myself, not for him. I can't help it because it hurts to the core of my being...I need that hug!

There is nothing wrong with you if you believe that your wife may be the only person you cry for...you love her...you need her.

My own family has accused me of being cold and uncaring that I shed no tears for the passing of those others who died. It is not true, I loved each of them in my own special way and they knew that! They know that now. They know and that is all that matters to me.

Consider the source of that wicked comment to you regarding your Mom-Maw. Does this person really know just how close the two of you were? Are they someone whose opinion you think might have an effect on what your Mom-Maw would think of you? I believe your Mom-Maw knows what love you have in your heart for her and that you should let your hurt feelings go on that one. Forgive that person for their obvious ignorance of your relationship with your Mom-Maw.

Is it that you haven't cried because you know wherever they are, they are no longer in pain? Are you relieved rather than bereaved that their suffering has ended? If so, there is no reason to cry and you should not have to!

While your mother is still alive, tell her that you love her. You cannot judge your depth of love for people before they die. Believe me, I knew I would be sad when my dad passed away but I never knew the depth of the sorrow I would feel! I felt bad that I did not call him more often (the last time we had spoken was Christmas Day) but I knew at least that the last time I did talk to him, I told him I loved him very much and that I wished I could hug him. That made taking the loss a lot easier. A LOT.

You yourself said "who knows how we will react when the time comes" That could not be a more true statement my friend. Just because you do not shed a tear does not mean you never cared. Embrace that knowledge and don't stress on it.

You sound more normal to me than you do suicidal.
If you EVER need to talk about anything, know that you have a friend in me.

Love, Hugs & Peace,
Moni


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[This message has been edited by Moni (edited 06-09-2001).]

[Fljotsdale]

Moni said it all Larry. I only ever REALLY cried for one person. Yes, I shed a few tears when my dad, then my mom died. But they were not painful tears, and only shed at the point of death (I had the good fortune to be with them both). Only one I threw a fit for was the man I loved when I found out he had inoperable cancer. And I shed most of my tears and did ALL the screaming when I got the news, not when he died.
Thing is, Larry, when you know someone you love is dying, you mostly do your mourning bit by bit, not all in one go when they actually die. By the time they die, you have already GONE THROUGH the mourning, almost without knowing it, sometimes. NO-ONE with any understanding would think you cold just 'cos you don't cry at the time, or at the funeral. It's normal!
As for your powerful reaction to any danger your wife may be in - well, I'm not surprised. Everyone who was close to you has died and left you, and you are fearful of losing your mom. It is natural to be fearful for your wife! And how sensible you are, too, to take the precaution of having a friend with you to help you with your reaction had anything gone wrong. Seems to me, Larry, that you are a man of great sensitivity and common sense - are rare combination!

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[Wulfere]

Larry
As Fljotsdale said. You have lost many whom you loved. The natural heightening of the fear of losing your wife is completely understandable. As for violence, it's not that unusual to worry about what you would do to someone else if they delivered bad news. The fact is you are, as far as I have seen a good and caring man. The way men are raised, the push to be strong and never show emotion, has hurt many of us.
I don't know who the person was or why they said what they did about your not showing your pain, but it shows that they themselves are not wholly in tune with life. Live your life as you see fit. Tell those you love how much they mean to you as often as you can. Don't worry what others think of your lack of tears. They are shed as much on the inside as out. The things we feel inside, the love, fear and hope are more real than stone and last much longer than any material objects. They continue on with us when we leave this world, passing with us into that other place. As long as you love those who are gone they will always be with you and in this there is a measure of comfort. Take heart and trust that those you have lost know that you loved them well and truly. Gawd Bless.

[Fljotsdale]

bump! MUCH too soon to be on page 2!

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[Lady Avalon]

Just sitting here reading all these posts, both happy and sad and I want to say thank you for reaching inside of yourselves and sharing these with us.

We moved from an apartment into our own house when I was 10. Next door to us lived an older couple, Mr. and Mrs. O'Connor. They were the nicest people. Mrs. O'Connor became like a second mother to me, my sister and brothers. Back in those days, I didn't feel very close to my mother and so I remember going next door and talking to Mrs. O'Connor. She would listen and offer advice. We'd sit and have something to drink and a snack or we would watch tv. When her husband died, we got even closer to her and started doing some chores for her. About 1971, she passed away and it was one of the saddest days of my life. I still remember her to this day and I have a white china cup and saucer which was hers and given to me by one of her sisters. I cherish that cup and everytime I look at that cup, I remember all the happy times we shared.

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Lady Avalon,
Thank you for your memories!

I had an old couple too LOL! Mr. and Mrs. Osborne. They lived just a few houses up the street from us and their house was one of the few places I was allowed to go.
Mrs. Osborne was ALWAYS in the kitchen! That lady cooked up a storm and always had a chocolate covered graham cracker with a glass of milk ready for me when I used to visit them.
I can't for the life of me remember HOW I met them, just that I always had them.
When our house burned down (for the most part) Mrs. Osborne bought me a pretty new dress that I got my school picture taken in. She was so proud that I picked it out to wear!
Mr. Osborne was an archer when he was not watching television and let me sit in his backyard for hours on end and watch him shoot at his target. When I got big enough, he let me go get them (his arrows) for him.

I was too young to really understand death or mourning for anyone and when Mrs. Osborne died, Mr. Osborne just explained to me that she had been called to Heaven because God needed her to be an angel and that was fine with me. I thought she would make the best angel God could have and was glad he picked her.


Mr. Osborne and I spent many afternoons together after that, me watching him shoot his arrows and he giving me my chocolate covered graham cracker.

I can still smell their house LOL! Sweet dill and something sharp and bitter.
Strange.

He re-married a few years later and the new Mrs. Osborne did not like children.
She was a stuffy old rich bat (LOL) who thought children should be seen and not heard. Seen at their own house and in their own yard.

I talked to Mr. Osborne about her and he told me that she was quite different than the first Mrs. Osborne but that God had brought her to him because he needed her in his life and he had to respect her wishes that I no longer visit.

After that, I could only wave to him as I passed his house on my way home from school.
I did not love him any less, for he was a kind old man and I always wished him happiness with the new Mrs. Osborne. I did resent her though and I was reminded for many years afterward that I was not welcome in her home every time I saw her son on TV selling cars. (LOL)

Ah, well, I can be thankful that I had them in my life for the length of time that I did and I am glad that I did not have to witness the passing of Mr. Osborne. I would have surely cried. They were truly a blessing to my life!

Hugs!
Moni


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[This message has been edited by Moni (edited 06-09-2001).]

[Melusine]

I had not read this thread until now, and even while posting, I don't know if I can find the right words....I am speechless...
Just wanted to thank everybody for being so open and sharing this....I wish I could do that
It feels as if we're being given a look inside your minds and feelings...it's pretty special...

DAMN I wish I was a native speaker

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Melusine, Archbabe of the Order of the Holy Flame and the Laughing Hyenas, &
Official Entertainer Elf of the BG2 Bar

Your voice is ambrosia

[Fljotsdale]

Originally posted by Melusine: DAMN I wish I was a native speaker

You do just fine, Melusine! I don't know how well you SPEAK English, but you WRITE like a native speaker!


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Originally posted by Melusine: I had not read this thread until now, and even while posting, I don't know if I can find the right words....I am speechless... Just wanted to thank everybody for being so open and sharing this....I wish I could do that It feels as if we're being given a look inside your minds and feelings...it's pretty special... DAMN I wish I was a native speaker

Melusine,
Thank you for responding!
We did not mean to leave you speechless!
I hope, though, that the way you were touched by our memories was in a good way, a way that made your heart smile.

The way you write English, I would never know you were not a native speaker!

Love, Hugs & Peace,

Moni