Is it normal for some people to pull away from everyone else as they get older?

[Nerull]

I was wondering if anyone else felt this way, or if I am just weird or abnormal in feeling this way.

When I hit my teens and early twenties, I went through the same phases everyone else did as far as trying to fit in, trying to have friends, etc. I looked forward to a bright future, getting a good job and getting married, and otherwise fitting into the "normal" life.

However, as I have gotten older, my viewpoint has done pretty much a total 180 degree turn. I am now 33 years old, and if anything each year that goes by I want less and less to do with people (for the most part in face to face dealings; chatting bothers me to some degree as well, but just posting on a board like this doesn't bother me). I feel myself pulling away from everyone else, doing things by myself instead of calling others to go with me. I have gotten more patient in many areas as I have gotten older, but in many areas in dealing with people I have gotten less patient. At work, when people talk to me, I can just feel the barrier going up, and after a minute or two of (what I view as) wasting my time, I start thinking "will you just leave me the &*%$ alone". I don't snap at them or anything like that; in fact, my temper has cooled quite a bit from my teens and twenties. I just ignore people more and just really don't want to be around them. The few people I do get near in recent times all feel the same way I do (we do things together when we are in the mood, and ignore each other when we are not in the mood to do anything with others). I have been invited to office parties, weddings, etc. and I have gone. In fact, I usually talk to the people I know or work with, and get along just fine. In fact, I crack jokes, laugh at others' jokes, etc. I just have to go out of my way to psych myself up to do those things before I go and do them, and even in the group feel like I don't fully fit in. However, the one area that I find that I have no patience for is for stupid people/actions. I used to just blow off stupid drivers; now I find myself cussing them out (like that does any good). I'm constantly referring to the people in the other departments that make mistakes as "morons" and "idiots" (their small mistake snowballs into a big problem in my department). It never gets beyond verbal, though; in my teens and twenties I might have "thrown down" after some drinks, but now if anything I am MUCH tamer than I used to be.

I really have not dated much in recent months, nor have I really wanted to. I never really wanted children, but figured that as I got older that would change as I moved towards settling down. However, if anything, I have even less desire to have children. I have little patience for children, and while I am still attracted to women just like before, I really find myself having little patience for long term relationships. I have always been something of a loner, but in recent years beyond the workplace I pretty much go home, get on the computer, watch TV, or just go out and eat (by myself). I find that I just enjoy doing things by myself more than I do with others.

I guess the main reason I am asking this is because I see everyone else enjoying each others' company, and while there is still that little tinge like I am missing out on something, for the most part I just do not feel that way. Is there something wrong with me feeling this way, or are there just some people that do not fit in with everyone else around them and just prefer their own company to that of others?

[InjaYew]

I think once you figure out that there's really no such thing as normal, you'll feel better about yourself.

I'm pretty anti-social and of course I've wondered about it, but I'm sort of thinking that our overall experiences with people sort of start to add up and the older you get, the less you want to be bothered. We start to realize how short life really is and have less tolerance for the b.s.

Now I don't even go to the weddings and such because those events usually bore me and I end up putting on this fake happy face and I like doing that less and less. I'd rather spend my free time doing something I want to do instead of something I feel obligated to do. I'm a little bit older than you so you may of some of this coming. Dunno.

Some people are pack animals and others are rogue critters. You wouldn't expect polar bears to act like prairie dogs. It's really the same with people. As long as you don't start setting fires to kitty cats or torturing mice, you oughta be okay. [img]smile.gif[/img]

[Memnoch]

G'day mate. I think most people go through those phases at some point in time - I know I do that myself. I go through a phase where I want to be with other people and hang out, go drinking, clubbing, etc, then after a few months I'll want to do my own thing. The phases seem to coincide with when my girlfriend is in and out of Australia.

I've noticed that most people do tend to settle down when they get older and surround themselves with a smaller group of closer friends, rather than the huge groups of acquaintances we all had when we were younger.

I don't see anything wrong with it as long as you're happy. That's the important thing. [img]smile.gif[/img]

[Epona]

As Memnoch says, I think it's fairly normal to go through phases like that occassionally. As we get older it's normal to have found your feet, be more comfortable in your own company, and be less reliant on other people or concerned with trying to be friends with everyone - for me it's a case of quality over quantity.

Withdrawing from people and not wanting to socialise can be a sign of depression, as can having a quicker temper or more extreme reaction than normal - but if you're happy then I wouldn't worry too much about that (but do try to watch how you react to people, you never know when someone's going to pull a knife on you for cussing them out - you only need to pick on the wrong person once to land you in hospital or worse).

[Paladin2000]

I would rather think that:

When you are young, you are trying to prove yourself. You are trying to gain recognitions and stuff, you want to hang around people that would noticed you and your accomplishments. You want to be accepted, you want to blend in with the crowd... even if it is the wrong crowd.

When you are older, you don't give it a rat's *** anymore and you just want to continue with your life. You don't have to pretend to like anyone anymore. Those that "click" with you are your friends and those that don't are not. Life isn't getting longer and you wish to fully live it the way you wanted all these years.

And that is how I see myself these days... at age 33 and counting upwards.

If you don't agree with me, that is too bad, because I don't give it a rat's ***. [img]tongue.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/laugh2.gif[/img]

[ 01-14-2004, 08:45 AM: Message edited by: Paladin2000 ]

[Sir Kenyth]

I went through such a phase after my divorce for a couple years. Not quite to the extent you mentioned as I still had close freinds I saw often. I was also doing a fair bit of drinking during the alone time. The symptoms you describe can be starting indicators of depression or social anxiety disorder. If you are drinking too, it can be a starting symptom of alchoholism. If you feel you are not living life to the fullest and are just kind of stagnant, existing without great pleasure, you may wish to speak to a doctor or counselor. You don't want to grow apathetic about life. It's best to nip our undesirable, non-productive, bad habits in the bud.

At the same time, you don't need to be a constant socialite to be happy, have fun, and like yourself either.

[Zuvio]

When I read your story, I recognized myself in it. We're both people who are introvert, with extravert tendancies: we prefer solitude, but are able to go out and party if necessary. We tend to solve problems on our own and find it strange that some people constantly go to others for every little thing in their life. We enjoy the company of females, but sigh when we see the dreaded procedures that come with one (not saying its a bad thing or it prevents you from doing it, but this is the feeling we get).

As for your work, I'm still in college, but I too tend to overreact if someone doesn't meet my high standards when it comes to working. That is: if they fail to deliver their part of the project in time or simply deliver crappy work, which happens all too often. I always catch myself becoming extremely aggrevated about that, but also: not expressing it IRL.

I've spend mucho time on this subject, because at one point I was starting to feel 'higher' than other people. This is a bad thing and in my case, even unwanted! I like other people, I enjoy going out and do nice stuff, but if it were up to me, I'd be solo for the rest of my life!

I narrowed the problem down to two things:
1.) The internet makes it possible for us to get in touch with really interesting people, like here. The main factor that comes into play is the anonimity. Even if you look at the picture book, you have a certain view of each character here on the board, of how you experience them and expect them to be IRL. As long as you don't meet them in real life, you'll never get dissappointed. This phenomenon can inhibit communication with people IRL, because you prefer to talk here.

2.) We are too 'aware' of things that happen in our daily life. Instead of 'doing' something, we think about it. This results in an aversion of actually doing it. Well, this one is rather hard to explain. But I'm not talking about Matrix stuff or heighted awareness or supernatural intelligence, just the fact that we think too much about daily business. Now I could summon the world of examples to try and explain it, but I've already said too much. So, peace out...

[Jaradu]

I sorta know what your going through. I went through (and am still in) a phase where I love being alone. I don't know why, but I always guessed it was because I don't have to compromise and do what anyone else wants to do. I can do exactly what I want. My parents are worried coz all I do is play on the pc, console, and watch TV. The only time I go outside is to go to school. But, hey, I'm happy and Isn't that what counts? So I guess my answer is, don't worry about being like what you are - as long as you're happy. Just don't go too deep and become agrophobic or anything [img]smile.gif[/img]

[PsycoticKurby]

I try not to be like everyone else, people can really suck

in the words of Daron Malikian: I HATE PEOPLE, PEOPLE SUCK, IM GONNA HURT SOMEONE, WATCH OUT CAMRA MAN.. you can guess rest

[Bungleau]

Some people get their batteries charged in social situations, while others (like me) get theirs charged in solitude. Doesn't mean one side or the other is better or worse -- it's just how you are.

I do think that as you get older, you recognize more "games" -- things people do and say that are their way of playing the scene. As such, when you recognize a bad pattern (which you do more quickly), you're more likely to cut it off before it goes further. When you're younger, you may not recognize it as quickly and get stuck in it for longer. Some of these are measured in months, while others are measured in minutes.

And the reason you end up with a small group of friends is that you quickly weed out those who play games and such that you don't enjoy, and stick with those you do enjoy.