Joke World 12-01-10

[Arvon]

Near the end of the year.

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to intrude on your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

[Arvon]

God breathes life into Adam and tells him... "You are man, my most favored creation, because of this I am going to give you the penis, and the brain."

Adam replies..."Thank you lord, thank you so much, thank you.

God says back to him, "Don't get to excited, there's a catch."

Adam asks, "What is the catch?"

God answers, "I'm only going to give you enough blood in your body to use one of that a time."

[Arvon]

Recently scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men twelve bottles of beer each. The scientists observed that 100% of the male test group gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.

No further testing is planned.

[Arvon]

There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farm hand working with him to help castrate his sheep. As the farmer castrated the sheep, the French farm hand took the parts and was about to throw them into the trash. "No!" yelled the farmer, "Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them, they're delicious! They're called Sheep Fries!" The farm hand saved the parts and took them to the farmer's wife who cooked them up for supper.

This went on for three days....and each evening they had Sheep Fries for supper. On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper. He asked his wife where the farm hand was and she replied, "It's the strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French Fries and he ran like hell!"

[Arvon]

A middle aged woman stopped at the local grocery store each day for
months, she always bought just one large can of dog food. One day the
grocery clerk ask the woman what kind of dog she had? she replied, I
don't have a dog, my husband eats this for his lunch each day and he
likes it.

The clerk said, madam this is not fit for human consumption,
it could make him sick, maybe even kill him. The woman purchased the
dog food and left.

This continued daly for months, then she stopped coming into
the store. Several week later she stopped in and bought a loaf of
bread, the clerk ask if she wanted any dog food, she replied,
no, my husband passed away several weeks ago. The clerk said I tried to
warn you, that dog food could kill your husband. The woman said, OH,
the dog food had nothing to do with it, he was crossing the road and
stopped to lick his ass, and was hit by a car.

[Arvon]

1.I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
2.Warning : I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
3.Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.
4.Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
5.I'm a multi-tasker : I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
6.Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
7.You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
8.Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
9.Guys have feelings too. But, like . . . who cares?
10.I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
11.Next mood swing : 6 minutes and counting.
12.I hate everybody, and you're next.
13.Please don't make me kill you.
14.And your point is . . .
15.I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
16.All stressed out and no one to choke.
17.I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
18.How can I miss you if you won't go away?
19.They aren't hot flashes, they're power surges!
20.Of course I don't look busy . . . I did it right the first time.

[VulcanRider]

Seen on T-shirts:
*I'm busy. You're an idiot. Have a nice day.
*Experience is something you don't get until . . . just after you need it.
*Some days we are the bloody flies . . . some days we are the windscreen
*Without order nothing can exist . . . without chaos nothing can evolve
*Four out of every three people ... have trouble with fractions
*If you lose your left arm ... your right one will be left
*Ever stop to think . . . And forget to start again
*Very funny Scotty . . . now beam up my clothes.
*I wonder how many people . . . own the Earth's core . . . and who's at the bottom of my garden.
*At the end of every party . . . there is always someone crying
*Experience is what you get whenever . . . you don't get what you want
*Smile . . . makes people wonder what you're up to
*If you're going through Hell . . . keep going.
*Today is . . . the tomorrow you thought about yesterday.
*Hell hath no fury like . . . the lawyer of a woman scorned.

[Arvon]

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. James, your records and your heroic behaviour indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."

[Arvon]

Not To Be Heard During Surgery
1. "Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."

2. "Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop."

3. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

4. "Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"

5. "Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"

6. "Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie."

7. "Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."

8. "Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"

9. "Damn, there go the lights again...."

10. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of them."

11. "What do you mean you want a divorce?"

[Timber Loftis]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature...&v=zttMj_pV1Tw