06-04-2001, 07:28 PM | #1 |
Ironworks Moderator
Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: Midlands, South Carolina
Age: 48
Posts: 14,759
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Copied from an e-mail sent to me.
Forget the Snap-On Tools truck; it's never there when you need it. Besides, there are only ten things in this world you need to fix any car, any place, any time. 1. DUCT TAPE: Not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army knife in stickum and plastic. It's safety wire, body material, radiator hose, upholstery, insulation, tow rope, and more in one easy-to-carry package. Sure, there's a prejudice surrounding duct tape in concourse competitions, but in the real world everything from LeMans - winning Porsches to Atlas rockets - uses it by the yard. The only thing that can get you out of more scrapes is a quarter and a phone booth. 2. VICE-GRIPS: Equally adept as a wrench, hammer, pliers, baling wire twister, breaker-off of frozen bolts, and wiggle-it-till-it-falls-off tool. The heavy artillery of your toolbox, Vice Grips are the only tool designed expressly to fix things screwed up beyond repair. 3. SPRAY LUBRICANTS: A considerably cheaper alternative to new doors, alternators, and other squeaky items. Slicker than pig phlegm. Repeated soakings of WD-40 will allow the main hull bolts of the Andrea Dora to be removed by hand. Strangely enough, an integral part of these sprays is the infamous little red tube that flies out of the nozzle if you look at it cross-eyed, one of the ten worst tools of all time. 4. MARGARINE TUBS WITH CLEAR LIDS: If you spend all your time under the hood looking for a frendle pin that caromed off the peedle valve when you knocked both off the air cleaner, it's because you eat butter. Real mechanics consume pounds of tasteless vegetable oil replicas, just so they can use the empty tubs for parts containers afterward. (Some, of course, chuck the butter-colored goo altogether or use it to repack wheel bearings.) Unlike air cleaners and radiator lips, margarine tubs aren't connected by a time/space wormhole to the Parallel Universe of Lost Frendle Pins. 5. BIG ROCK AT THE SIDE OF THE ROAD: Block up a tire. Smack corroded battery terminals. Pound out a dent. Bop nosy know-it-all types on the noodle. Scientists have yet to develop a hammer that packs the raw banging power of granite or limestone. This is the only tool with which a "made in India" emblem is not synonymous with the user's maiming. 6. PLASTIC ZIP TIES: After twenty years of lashing down stray hoses and wired with old bread ties, some genius brought a slightly slicked up version to the auto parts market. Fifteen zip ties can transform a hulking mass of amateur-quality rewiring from a working model of the Brazilian rain forest into something remotely resembling a wiring harness. Of course, it works both ways. When buying used cars, subtract $100.00 for each zip tie under the hood. 7. RIDICULOUSLY LARGE STANDARD SCREWDRIVER WITH LIFETIME GUARANTEE: Let's admit it. There's nothing better for prying, chiseling, lifting, breaking, splitting, or mutilating than a huge flat-bladed screwdriver, particularly when wielded with gusto and a big hammer. This is also the tool of choice for oil filters so insanely located they can only be removed by driving a stake in one side and out the other. If you break the screwdriver - and you will, just like Dad or your shop teacher said - who cares? It's guaranteed. 8. BAILING WIRE: Commonly known as MG muffler brackets, bailing wire holds anything that's too hot for tape or ties. Like duct tape, it's not recommended for concourse contenders since it works so well you'll never replace it with the right thing again. Bailing wire is a sentimental favorite in some circles, particularly with MG, Triumph, and flathead Ford set. 9. BONKING STICK: This monstrous tuning fork with devilishly pointy ends is technically known as a tie-rod- end separator, but how often do you separate tie-ends? Once every decade, if you're lucky. Other than medieval combat, its real use is the all purpose application of undue force, not unlike that of the huge flat-bladed screwdriver. Nature doesn't know the bent metal panel or frozen exhaust pipe that can stand up to a good bonking stick. (Can also be used to separate tie-rod ends in a pinch, of course, but does a lousy job of it). 10. A QUARTER (now its $0.35) AND A PHONE BOOTH: (See #1 above.) I can testify to numbers 1,2,3,5,and 6 ------------------ Larry, Loyal guardian of the OHF Devoted member of the Ironworks Only member of the Elite Bodyguard to Rikard (the fool that takes the bullet) Ertai's back-up Memnoch's chief look-out Member of the Ancients club [This message has been edited by Larry_OHF (edited 06-04-2001).] |
06-04-2001, 07:44 PM | #2 |
20th Level Warrior
Join Date: April 9, 2001
Location: Dallas, Tx, USA
Age: 55
Posts: 2,830
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LOLSFHKASARLMSFLBP => LAUGHING OUT LOUD SO FREAKING HARD KOOL AID SPOOGED AROUND ROOM LIKE MONEY SHOT FROM LOW BUDGET PORNO
yup, I've used them all.... scary ------------------ |
06-04-2001, 08:00 PM | #3 |
Ironworks Moderator
Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: Midlands, South Carolina
Age: 48
Posts: 14,759
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So, are you saying that you can identify with at least 50% as well?
------------------ Larry, Loyal guardian of the OHF Devoted member of the Ironworks Only member of the Elite Bodyguard to Rikard (the fool that takes the bullet) Ertai's back-up Memnoch's chief look-out Member of the Ancients club |
06-04-2001, 08:05 PM | #4 | |
20th Level Warrior
Join Date: April 9, 2001
Location: Dallas, Tx, USA
Age: 55
Posts: 2,830
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Quote:
A poor Mexican kid cursed with a used car and a few tools... Those were the days... ------------------ |
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06-04-2001, 08:49 PM | #5 |
Thoth - Egyptian God of Wisdom
Join Date: March 12, 2001
Location: Birmingham, West Mid\'s, England
Age: 87
Posts: 2,859
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Well, I only ever had a motor-bike, but I can relate to a lot of that! ROFLMAO!
------------------ |
06-04-2001, 09:03 PM | #6 |
Red Wizard of Thay
Join Date: March 20, 2001
Location: Lincoln, Nebraska USA
Age: 63
Posts: 893
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Hey I MAKE Vise Grips !!
Honest! I have used all of the above items with fervor and Have found that liberally applied vile language spurs much of these on to better performance. Nothing beats a BFH, except maybe a BFH with lots of cussin behind it. PS...I used lotsa bailing wire on my '69 MGC. ------------------ |
06-04-2001, 09:21 PM | #7 |
Elminster
Join Date: April 28, 2001
Location: Virginia Beach, Virginia, USA
Posts: 490
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OMG! That is the true man's toolbox! I have all that stuff, except bailing wire. I ran out last month working on my garage door. I even have a rock I like in the back of the garden!
As for the guaranteed stuff, what about craftsman lawn tools? Shovels, rakes, picks, and the like. I break them so often, I NEED the guarantee. ------------------ Gaelic |
06-04-2001, 09:24 PM | #8 | |
20th Level Warrior
Join Date: April 9, 2001
Location: Dallas, Tx, USA
Age: 55
Posts: 2,830
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Quote:
They always give you that same look: "What were you DOING with this? I've never seen one snapped in half before." Just hand over the next victim, buddy... ------------------ [This message has been edited by RudeDawg (edited 06-04-2001).] |
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06-04-2001, 09:31 PM | #9 | ||
Red Wizard of Thay
Join Date: March 20, 2001
Location: Lincoln, Nebraska USA
Age: 63
Posts: 893
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Quote:
Quote:
Sears buys the cheap crap to put their logo on. Only recently did they decide they were spending too much on the Locking Pliers they sell and came to us. Hopefully they won't back out this time...lol ------------------ |
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06-04-2001, 09:32 PM | #10 | |
Ironworks Moderator
Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: Midlands, South Carolina
Age: 48
Posts: 14,759
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Quote:
lol!!!! ------------------ Larry, Loyal guardian of the OHF Devoted member of the Ironworks Only member of the Elite Bodyguard to Rikard (the fool that takes the bullet) Ertai's back-up Memnoch's chief look-out Member of the Ancients club [This message has been edited by Larry_OHF (edited 06-04-2001).] |
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