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10-26-2001, 09:01 AM
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Banned User
Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: VT, USA
Age: 63
Posts: 3,097
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Somehow I missed his request at the end of the "More Monty Python" thread:
http://www.ironworksforum.com/ubb/No...ML/004083.html Scene 15: Bloody Boring Prophets The sketch: BLOOD & THUNDER PROPHET: ...And the bezan shall be huge and black, and the eyes thereof red with the blood of living creatures, and the whore of Babylon shall ride forth on a three-headed serpent, and throughout the lands, there'll be a great rubbing of parts. Yeeah... FALSE PROPHET: ...For the demon shall bear a nine-bladed sword. Nine-bladed! Not two or five or seven, but nine, which he will wield on all wretched sinners, sinners just like you, sir, there, and the horns shall be on the head, with which he will... BORING PROPHET: ...Obadiah, his servants. There shall, in that time, be rumours of things going astray, erm, and there shall be a great confusion as to where things really are, and nobody will really know where lieth those little things wi-- with the sort of raffia work base that has an attachment. At this time, a friend shall lose his friend's hammer and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before, about eight o'clock. Yea, it is written in the book of Cyril that, in that time, shall the third one... BRIAN: How much? Quick. HARRY THE HAGGLER: What? BRIAN: It's for the wife. HARRY THE HAGGLER: Oh. Uhhh, twenty shekels. BRIAN: Right. HARRY THE HAGGLER: What? BRIAN: There you are. HARRY THE HAGGLER: Wait a minute. BRIAN: What? HARRY THE HAGGLER: Well, we're-- we're supposed to haggle. BRIAN: No, no. I've got to get-- HARRY THE HAGGLER: What do you mean, 'no, no, no'? BRIAN: I haven't time. I've got-- HARRY THE HAGGLER: Well, give it back, then. BRIAN: No, no, no. I just paid you. HARRY THE HAGGLER: Burt! BURT: Yeah? HARRY THE HAGGLER: This bloke won't haggle. BURT: Won't haggle?! BRIAN: All right. Do we have to? HARRY THE HAGGLER: Now, look. I want twenty for that. BRIAN: I-- I just gave you twenty. HARRY THE HAGGLER: Now, are you telling me that's not worth twenty shekels? BRIAN: No. HARRY THE HAGGLER: Look at it. Feel the quality. That's none of your goat. BRIAN: All right. I'll give you nineteen then. HARRY THE HAGGLER: No, no, no. Come on. Do it properly. BRIAN: What? HARRY THE HAGGLER: Haggle properly. This isn't worth nineteen. BRIAN: Well, you just said it was worth twenty. HARRY THE HAGGLER: Ohh, dear. Ohh, dear. Come on. Haggle. BRIAN: Huh. All right. I'll give you ten. HARRY THE HAGGLER: That's more like it. Ten?! Are you trying to insult me?! Me, with a poor dying grandmother?! Ten?! BRIAN: All right. I'll give you eleven. HARRY THE HAGGLER: Now you're gettin' it. Eleven?! Did I hear you right?! Eleven?! This cost me twelve. You want to ruin me?! BRIAN: Seventeen? HARRY THE HAGGLER: No, no, no, no. Seventeen. BRIAN: Eighteen? HARRY THE HAGGLER: No, no. You go to fourteen now. BRIAN: All right. I'll give you fourteen. HARRY THE HAGGLER: Fourteen?! Are you joking?! BRIAN: That's what you told me to say. HARRY THE HAGGLER: Ohh, dear. BRIAN: Ohh, tell me what to say. Please! HARRY THE HAGGLER: Offer me fourteen. BRIAN: I'll give you fourteen. HARRY THE HAGGLER: He's offering me fourteen for this! BRIAN: Fifteen! HARRY THE HAGGLER: Seventeen. My last word. I won't take a penny less, or strike me dead. BRIAN: Sixteen. HARRY THE HAGGLER: Done. Nice to do business with you. BRIAN: Huh. HARRY THE HAGGLER: Tell you what. I'll throw you in this as well. BRIAN: I don't want it, but thanks. HARRY THE HAGGLER: Burt! BURT: Yeah? BRIAN: All right! All right. All right. HARRY THE HAGGLER: Now, where's the sixteen you owe me? BRIAN: I just gave you twenty. HARRY THE HAGGLER: Oh, yeah. That's right. That's four I owe you, then. BRIAN: Well, that's all right. That's fine. That's fine. HARRY THE HAGGLER: No. Hang on. I've got it here somewhere. BRIAN: That's all right. That's four for the gourd. HARRY THE HAGGLER: Four? For this gourd? Four?! Look at it. It's worth ten if it's worth a shekel. BRIAN: But you just gave it to me for nothing. HARRY THE HAGGLER: Yes, but it's worth ten! BRIAN: All right. All right. HARRY THE HAGGLER: No, no, no, no. It's not worth ten. You're supposed to argue, 'Ten for that? You must be mad!' Ohh, well. sniff One born every minute. Scene 19: Brian Denies Messianic Attributes The sketch: holy music FOLLOWERS: ...Master! Master! Look! Master! Master!... BRIAN: Hey! Is there another way down? Is there another path down to the river? SIMON THE HOLY MAN: Mmmmmmm. BRIAN: Please! Please help me! I've got to get-- SIMON: Mm. whump Oh, my foot! Oh! BRIAN: Shhhh. SIMON: Oh, damn, damn, damn! BRIAN: Well, I'm sorry. Shhh. SIMON: Oh, damn, damn, and blast it! BRIAN: I'm sorry. Shhhh! SIMON: Don't you 'shhhh' me. Eighteen years of total silence, and you 'shhhh' me! BRIAN: What? SIMON: I've kept my vow for eighteen years. Not a single, recognisable, articulate sound has passed my lips. BRIAN: Oh, please. Could you be quiet for another five minutes? SIMON: Oh, it doesn't matter now. I might as well enjoy myself. The times in the last eighteen years I've wanted to shout and sing and... BRIAN: Shhhh. SIMON: ...scream my name out! Oh, I'm alive! BRIAN: Shhh. SIMON: Hava Nagila! BRIAN: Shhh. SIMON: Hava Nagila! Hava Nagila, ha ha ha! Look out. Oh, I'm alive! I'm alive! Hello birds! Hello trees! I'm alive! Get off. I'm alive! Hava Nagila. Hava n'ra n'-- FOLLOWERS: Master! The Master! Master! Master!... SHOE FOLLOWER: The Master! Aha. He is here! FRANK: Master! ELSIE: The Gourd has led us... ARTHUR: The shoe has led us to Him! FOLLOWERS: The shoe!... ARTHUR: The shoe has brought us! ARTHUR and HARRY: Speak! FOLLOWERS: Shhhhh! ARTHUR and HARRY: Speak to us, Master! Speak to us! BRIAN: Go away! FOLLOWERS: A blessing! A blessing! ARTHUR: How shall we go away, Master?! BRIAN: Oh, just go away! Leave me alone! SHOE FOLLOWER: Give us a sign! ARTHUR: He has given us a sign! He has brought us to this place! BRIAN: I didn't bring you here! You just followed me! SHOE FOLLOWER: Oh, it's still a good sign by any standard. ARTHUR: Master! Your people have walked many miles to be with You! They are weary and have not eaten. BRIAN: It's not my fault they haven't eaten! ARTHUR: There is no food in this high mountain! BRIAN: Well, what about the juniper bushes over there? ELSIE: Hhhh! FOLLOWERS: Heh! A miracle! A miracle! Ohh!... SHOE FOLLOWER: He has made the bush fruitful by His words. YOUTH: They have brought forth juniper berries. BRIAN: Of course they've brought forth juniper berries! They're juniper bushes! What do you expect?! ELSIE: Show us another miracle! ARTHUR: Do not tempt Him, shallow ones! Is not the miracle of the juniper bushes enough?! SIMON: I say, those are my juniper bushes. ARTHUR: They are a gift from God! SIMON: They're all I've bloody got to eat. Uhm. I say, get off those bushes! Go on! Clear off, the lot of you. Go on. HARRY: Lord! I am affected by a bald patch. BLIND MAN: I am healed! The Master has healed me! BRIAN: I didn't touch him! BLIND MAN: I was blind, and now I can see! Aargh! whump FOLLOWERS: A miracle! A miracle! A miracle! SIMON: Tell them to stop it. I hadn't said a word for eighteen years till he came along. ELSIE: Hhh! FOLLOWERS: A miracle! He is the Messiah! SIMON: Well, he hurt my foot! FOLLOWERS: Hurt my foot, Lord! Hurt my foot. Hurt mine... ARTHUR: Hail Messiah! BRIAN: I'm not the Messiah! ARTHUR: I say You are, Lord, and I should know. I've followed a few. FOLLOWERS: Hail Messiah! BRIAN: I'm not the Messiah! Will you please listen? I am not the Messiah, do you understand?! Honestly! GIRL: Only the true Messiah denies His divinity. BRIAN: What?! Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right! I am the Messiah! FOLLOWERS: He is! He is the Messiah! BRIAN: Now, f*** off! silence ARTHUR: How shall we f*** off, O Lord? BRIAN: Oh, just go away! Leave me alone. SIMON: You told these people to eat my juniper berries. You break my bloody foot. You break my vow of silence, and then you try and clean up on my juniper bushes! BRIAN: Oh, lay off! ARTHUR: This is the Messiah, the Chosen One! SIMON: No, he's not. BRIAN: Aaaagh! ARTHUR: An unbeliever! FOLLOWERS: An unbeliever! ARTHUR: Persecute! Kill the heretic! FOLLOWERS: Kill the heretic! Kill him! Persecute! Kill!... BRIAN: Leave him alone! Leave him alone! Leave him alone. Put him down. Please! JUDITH: Brian? BRIAN: Judith? Still The Most Humbly Prideful (?) Member Of The Illuminati! Mark [This message has been edited by skywalker (edited 10-26-2001).] |
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10-26-2001, 09:10 AM
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#2 |
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Account deleted by Request
Join Date: May 17, 2001
Location: .
Age: 38
Posts: 8,802
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ROFL Mark! I doubt there is any funny Monty Python stuff that you've yet to share with us!
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10-26-2001, 09:22 AM
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#3 |
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Elminster
 Join Date: July 2, 2001
Location: Denmark
Posts: 460
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You can always write down the script from then Brian is painting the wall :=) pretty funny
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10-26-2001, 09:23 AM
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#4 | |
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Account deleted by Request
Join Date: May 17, 2001
Location: .
Age: 38
Posts: 8,802
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Quote:
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10-26-2001, 09:24 AM
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#5 | |
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Banned User
Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: VT, USA
Age: 63
Posts: 3,097
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Quote:
------------------ Still The Most Humbly Prideful (?) Member Of The Illuminati! Mark |
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10-26-2001, 09:26 AM
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#6 | |
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Elminster
Join Date: July 2, 2001
Location: Denmark
Posts: 460
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Quote:
Then there is the invetigation scenes with "wait we havnt had the time to hide yet" 
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10-26-2001, 09:31 AM
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#7 |
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Banned User
Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: VT, USA
Age: 63
Posts: 3,097
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I am here to serve:
Scene 9: Brian Learns to Conjugate The sketch: spooky music dramatic chord CENTURION: What's this, then? 'Romanes Eunt Domus'? 'People called Romanes they go the house'? BRIAN: It-- it says, 'Romans, go home'. CENTURION: No, it doesn't. What's Latin for 'Roman'? Come on! BRIAN: Aah! CENTURION: Come on! BRIAN: 'R-- Romanus'? CENTURION: Goes like...? BRIAN: 'Annus'? CENTURION: Vocative plural of 'annus' is...? BRIAN: Eh. 'Anni'? CENTURION: 'Romani'. 'Eunt'? What is 'eunt'? BRIAN: 'Go'. Let-- CENTURION: Conjugate the verb 'to go'. BRIAN: Uh. 'Ire'. Uh, 'eo'. 'Is'. 'It'. 'Imus'. 'Itis'. 'Eunt'. CENTURION: So 'eunt' is...? BRIAN: Ah, huh, third person plural, uh, present indicative. Uh, 'they go'. CENTURION: But 'Romans, go home' is an order, so you must use the...? BRIAN: The... imperative! CENTURION: Which is...? BRIAN: Umm! Oh. Oh. Um, 'i'. 'I'! CENTURION: How many Romans? BRIAN: Ah! 'I'-- Plural. Plural. 'Ite'. 'Ite'. CENTURION: 'Ite'. BRIAN: Ah. Eh. CENTURION: 'Domus'? BRIAN: Eh. CENTURION: Nominative? BRIAN: Oh. CENTURION: 'Go home'? This is motion towards. Isn't it, boy? BRIAN: Ah. Ah, dative, sir! Ahh! No, not dative! Not the dative, sir! No! Ah! Oh, the... accusative! Accusative! Ah! 'Domum', sir! 'Ad domum'! Ah! Oooh! Ah! CENTURION: Except that 'domus' takes the...? BRIAN: The locative, sir! CENTURION: Which is...?! BRIAN: 'Domum'. CENTURION: 'Domum'. BRIAN: Aaah! Ah. CENTURION: 'Um'. Understand? BRIAN: Yes, sir. CENTURION: Now, write it out a hundred times. BRIAN: Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caesar, sir. CENTURION: Hail Caesar. If it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off. BRIAN: Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caesar and everything, sir! Oh. Mmm! Finished! ROMAN SOLDIER STIG: Right. Now don't do it again. CENTURIONS chase BRIAN MAN: Hey! Bloody Romans. ------------------ Still The Most Humbly Prideful (?) Member Of The Illuminati! Mark |
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10-26-2001, 09:47 AM
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#8 |
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Banned User
Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: VT, USA
Age: 63
Posts: 3,097
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And for finally for DiabloRex:
Scene 16: Crucifixion: Could Be Worse... The sketch: REG: Daniel. LORETTA: Daniel. FRANCIS: Job. REG: Job. LORETTA: Job. FRANCIS: Joshua. REG: Joshua. LORETTA: Joshua. FRANCIS: Judges. REG: Judges. LORETTA: Judges. FRANCIS: And Brian. REG: And Brian. LORETTA: And Brian. REG: I now propose that all seven of these ex-brothers be now entered in the minutes as probationary martyrs to the cause. LORETTA: I second that, Reg. REG: Thank you, Loretta. On the nod. Siblings! thump Let us not be down-hearted. One total catastrophe like this is just the beginning! Their glorious deaths shall unite us all in a-- MATTHIAS: Look out! BRIAN: Hello? Matthias! Reg! REG: Go away! BRIAN: Hm? Reg, it's me, Brian! REG: Get off! Get off out of it! BRIAN: Stan! LORETTA: P*ss off. COMMANDO: Yeah, p*ss off! REG: Bugger off. bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam Ohh,... bam bam bam bam bam ...sh*t! bam BRIAN: Uhh. MATTHIAS: Coming! bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam BORING PROPHET: Yea, verily, at that time, it is written in the book of Obadiah. A man shall strike his donkey and his nephew's donkey and anyone... crack ...in the vicinity... creak crack ...of his nephew or the donkey. MATTHIAS: My eyes are dim. I cannot see. CENTURION: Are you Matthias? MATTHIAS: Yes. CENTURION: We have reason to believe you may be hiding one Brian of Nazareth, a member of the terrorist organisation, the 'People's Front of Judea'. MATTHIAS: Me? No. I'm just a poor old man. I have no time for law-breakers. My legs are grey. My ears are gnarled. My eyes are old and bent. CENTURION: Quiet! Silly person. Guards! Search the house. clomp clomp clomp... You know the penalty laid down by Roman law for harbouring a known criminal? MATTHIAS: No. CENTURION: Crucifixion. MATTHIAS: Oh. CENTURION: Nasty, eh? MATTHIAS: Hm. Could be worse. CENTURION: What do you mean, 'could be worse'? MATTHIAS: Well, you could be stabbed. CENTURION: Stabbed? Takes a second. Crucifixion lasts hours! It's a slow, horrible death! MATTHIAS: Well, at least it gets you out in the open air. CENTURION: You're weird. clomp clomp clomp... SERGEANT: No, sir. Couldn't find anything, sir. CENTURION: But don't worry! You've not seen the last of us, weirdo. MATTHIAS: Big Nose. CENTURION: Watch it. MATTHIAS: Phew, that was lucky. BRIAN: I'm sorry, Reg. REG: Ohhh, it's all right, siblings. He's sorry. He's sorry he led the Fifth Legion straight to our official headquarters. Well, that's all right, then, Brian. Sit down. Have a scone. Make yourself at home. You klutz! You stupid, bird-brained, flat-headed-- bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam creak crack BORING PROPHET: ...this great, big, juicy melon behind. bam bam bam bam bam bam MATTHIAS: My legs are old and bent. My ears are grizzled. Yes? CENTURION: There's one place we didn't look. Guards! MATTHIAS: I'm just a poor old man. clomp clomp clomp... My eyesight is bad. My eyes are poor. My nose is knackered. CENTURION: Have you ever seen anyone crucified? MATTHIAS: Crucifixion's a doddle. CENTURION: Don't keep saying that. clomp clomp clomp... SERGEANT: Found this spoon, sir. CENTURION: Well done, Sergeant! We'll be back,... oddball. bam bam bam bam bam Open up! MATTHIAS: You haven't given us time to hide. ------------------ Still The Most Humbly Prideful (?) Member Of The Illuminati! Mark |
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10-26-2001, 10:05 AM
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#9 |
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Elminster
Join Date: July 2, 2001
Location: Denmark
Posts: 460
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LOL! very good, thanks
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10-26-2001, 10:09 AM
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#10 |
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20th Level Warrior
 Join Date: September 6, 2001
Location: The lighter side of life, a.k.a. Newnan, Georgia
Age: 55
Posts: 2,767
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OMG! ROTFL!!! *eyes watering, sides aching and I have to pee now!*
Back in a minute whilst I take care of things so I can come back and laugh some more! *Musical Interlude* ------------------   Alureth...Dragon friend of Breanna, Mage and Advisor in the Court of Lady Lioness Co-Owner/Operator of the Evil Petting Zoo and devout member of the HADB clan. Commander of the Dragon Fleet, IW Peacekeeping Force Sublime Sister of the Illuminati - may the Light shine forever! Second Historian and Scribe of IW. Mother Hen of IW. Mage extraordinair, Pin-Up Girl for the OLD-COOTS Magey-Wagey: performer in the Nekked Dancing Trio of the ORT. Hopeless Romantic *sigh* |
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