Is it really possible for a girl and guy to remain close friends?

[mistral4543]

Sheesh, I feel a bit embarassed asking this, but so far I've come to the conclusion it's not possible (obviously, this is due to my own past experiences). Some of my friends agree with me on this, but I'm just wondering if others have different views.

I'm only listing below, by far the messiest of my limited experiences (just to illustrate what I mean):

Prior to my junior college (ie, pre-University) days, I was in an all-girls school environment and so the culture shock hit me when I entered the co-ed environment. Pretty much awkward with guys in general (why do they keep talking about cars and soccer?) and kept to myself, but had 2-3 guy classmates I could get along with (there were only 5 girls in my class of 24). Then, one of the friendships grew closer but I had no idea what was happening until one day, he wrote me a letter saying he felt "stifled" by having to sit with me during classes everyday (all this while, we were being teased by the class and he kept assuring me he didn't mind it and that he sat with me because he enjoyed my company). He also said that he had wanted to mention this before, but he didn't want to hurt me as he thought I was quite a fragile sort of person (that much I'll concede).

This occurred right before my preliminary examinations and I pretty much had a breakdown. Had high fever for the 2 weeks throughout the exams, and after that it was quite a struggle to get a grip on myself and make sure I didn't foul up my actual GCE 'A' level exams. Fortunately, I got over it in time and managed to get into my choice University. I was rather disillusioned because during that time, he didn't want to talk about the situation because it would affect his own academic performance, but 3 years after the incident, we finally made up and are still in touch occasionally (it's impossible to go back to how close we were in the past, however).

I learnt for the above experience to be more alert to warning signs of a friendship reaching "danger-zone". And I've also made less of an effort to make friends with guys.

But anyway, my point is that somehow (at least, in my experiences), the closer I feel to a guy, the more impossible it seems to remain that close without advancing towards a BGR. If we share so many happy times, thoughts and interests, it just seems natural to advance beyond friendship. I'm quite certain that if we were to remain friends, he will one day get attached to another lady and drift off to his new life (if my own brother whom I was pretty close to is doing it now with his wife, I see no reason why a mere friend - close as he might be - should not).

I sometimes wonder if my thoughts have been warped by isolated cases of bad experience

So, I'm inviting anyone with any comments (regardless of whether you agree or disagree with my observations) to enlighten me on this issue.

[Blade]

Whail speeking from my perspective as a guy i still don't get why most of us talk about cars and sports they are boring to me give me a book or a computer any day. It has been posible for me to have close friends who are girls as long as we just keep it that way and don't try to be anything closer. It just takes a little restraint and respect bettween the two people.

------------------

All blades cut, be they made from metal or wood, but the sharpest and deadliest blade is the one of knowledge.

An Archmage of the HADB

[Tobbin]

Well, I think it all depends on the people. There are some people that just click right away. They end up lovers. Then you have the 2 mismatched. One clicks while the other doesn't. There's normally some kind of hesitation as the one that clicks with the other doesn't tell the other cause they are afraid they might scare them off, and then tries to be FRIENDS to see if they can get somewhere (relationship wise, nothing else implied here.)This one is the one that usually dooms a friendship. The last is the one that answers your question though. You can be friends if you both click but in a different way. You have all the same kinda likes/dislikes and stuff, but you mainly just hang together and don't set each other up in a romantic way. Mainly it will start because one person or the other has a relationship already going, so it doesn't seem like there will be a possibility for anything to happen. Then, after being around each other FOREVER, can accept that you don't need anything romantic as you already are with that person without being with them. I only have 1 friend like this. What I'm saying here is that you have to build up a level of TRUST and CARING that would keep the friendship floating BEFORE attraction destroys it. Don't know how else to say it. It's being there for that person emotionally where you kinda bond beyond a physical way. You become extensions of each other and that's why it's so awkward to think of being in a romantic relationship. Well, all of that is my own viewpoint and is subject to misinterpretation or being blatantly wrong for someone else, but take from it what you can.

------------------


Protectorate of the OHF
Death Waits 4 U ALL

[onthepequod]

A very sticky wicket indeed! IMHO, if a man and woman become close friends the odds are that they will either progress in the relationship beyond mere friendship or one will fall in love while the other will not resulting in one being hurt and the closeness being severed. The issue as I see it is that men and women are innately designed to be attracted to one another. Consequently, if a man and woman spend a lot of time together, share joy, laugh together, etc... it is only a matter of time before chemistry kicks in and it occurs to one or both that "I really enjoy spending time with this person. I wonder what it would be like if we were closer?"

I am not saying it's impossible for men and women to remain close friends but it is unlikely. Best wishes Mistral.

------------------


[This message has been edited by onthepequod (edited 09-29-2001).]

[Grand-Ranger]

Heh, I agree with blade, well

A book, A compurter, and the NHL

Er, anyway,

I belive its possiable. Its rare, I think, but possible. Tobbin makes a good point.

It dose depend on people. And the whole clicking thing.

------------------


So if in the forest look behind you, because that where the ranger is going to be

Grand-Jester of Laghing Hyenas
Messenger of the Emerald Dragon

May a pregnant yak chew on your ear for all eternity.
A guitar solo is to a guitarsist is what a palette is too a painter.
"...But I look at my self as a fragile, inteligent,human being. But there is a clown inside that comes and messes it up everytime" -Jim Morrison

[Sazerac]

Hm...rather interesting point. My friends are just about 50/50 between male and female. When I moved to Texas 15 years ago, the first person I met was a girl named Julie, who became one of my dearest friends (and we never had a romantic attraction; she was "going" with my dormmate at the time...it became like a brother/sister thing). Julie's best friend became my wife. It was through Julie that I made all the main friends that I still have here in Texas, even 15 years later.

So, it is definitely possible for a male and female to remain friends without it turning into something romantic.



------------------

I know who you are...I saw what you did!

[Tobbin]

Originally posted by Sazerac: Hm...rather interesting point. My friends are just about 50/50 between male and female. When I moved to Texas 15 years ago, the first person I met was a girl named Julie, who became one of my dearest friends (and we never had a romantic attraction; she was "going" with my dormmate at the time...it became like a brother/sister thing). Julie's best friend became my wife. It was through Julie that I made all the main friends that I still have here in Texas, even 15 years later. So, it is definitely possible for a male and female to remain friends without it turning into something romantic.

Yes, exactly what I was saying. There already was a relationship in place and then you were "platonic" friends for a long time. That's about the only way that I know of that it can defeat the attraction thing.



------------------


Protectorate of the OHF
Death Waits 4 U ALL

[WOLFGIR]

Of course you can be. But it depends on the people involved, how good your relationship are. The key to it like with most other things is your communication skills and also your communication apprehension(?) .
I don´t have many friends that I can talk openly with, but alot of thoose I can be really serious with are mostly girls. Perhaps it has helped me alot (Errr psycho thingie here??) but I was raised mostly by my mother since my dad had to be abroad alot in his work, and that I had an older sister. My sister and I satarted to act civil towards each other when I was around 18.

By that time and forward I started to well see the world differently.
Of course I like girls and sometimes I have become attracted by my friends.. but you have to able to take that cold-inner-shower sometimes and think about what you have and ewhat you gain and what you could loose. Then again, good girl-friends (in my case) might turn out the perfect girlsfrien.. Hmm you englishspeakers have a couple of thousand wolrds more han us swedes. Yet grilfriend is both friend and could be well girlfriend in a more intimate way? Someone pleeease help with a few options here... girlbuddy?? er...

My thoose punches to my head rearranged more than I thought.. uuurk

------------------

Be vevvy qwiet..I´m hunting wabbits...
Wolfgirs lair
once-upon-a-paper

[mistral4543]

Gee, thanks everyone, for taking the time to pen down your thoughts and sharing them with me.

As I said, I'm feeling really embarassed that I brought it up but because this has been a nagging doubt for years, I just had to throw it out into the open and hopefully find some answers. Now that I've at least heard other perspectives on this (especially the guys' point of view), I feel a sense of calm although I know the road ahead will not be any easier.

Tobbin - I can definitely relate to some of your theories, thanks for the insights.

onthepequod - Thanks very much for your well-wishes. Think I will definitely need them

At the risk of being long-winded... thanks again everyone. God bless you for your patience, generosity and kindness!

[Epona]

Don't be embarrassed Mistral - it's a perfectly reasonable point.

I agree with some of the others that it is very possible to be close friends with someone of the opposite sex without anything developing, and I think Tobbin was spot-on with his post. It is very easy to be friends with someone because you like the same things and have a lot in common, appreciate their sense of humour, but for neither one to be physically or romantically attracted.

------------------

Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.

Epona of The Laughing Hyenas
Proud winner of the 'Most Useless Post 250 Has Ever Seen' Award 2001. "I'd just like to thank my friends and family, without whom none of this would have been possible..."