Hey read this for me... (short I swear!)

[Redblueflare]

Hey read this for me and if you would be so kind as to express your opinions i'd appreciate it. [img]smile.gif[/img] All spelling errors should be gone now as this is a final draft, and i've been workin on it for awhile. But if you see something let me know. This is only about a page and a half. I know how much people hate reading stuff on their cpu's... lol.

“He’s a little late.” My best friend Natalie Tori muttered.
“Have a little patience Natalie.” My other best friend Krystal Daniel Kenton replied. “We haven’t been here in awhile, try to enjoy yourself.”
At that moment I was looking about, trying to ease my excitement a little.

All three of us were at a beach, standing under the lone palm tree that had grown somewhat in the center. Even under the shade, the sand was hot against my bare feet. The sun was shining brightly in a blue sky littered with clouds. I could see seagulls flying in our direction, and could hear their call very faintly. A gentle breeze was blowing. It rustled the palm leaves, as well as my silver hair slightly. "Before me, in the emerald shine of crystalline waters, silver dolphins played." To the right of me of me a hill grew into a high rocky cliff that loomed over the sand. "To my left an endless white beach, stretching beyond the horizon. “It went around the entire continent. Behind me a grass meadow stretched on as far as the eye could see. It was dotted with flowers of all colors, and seemed to sway with the wind. I closed my eyes and listened to the waves crashing gently unto the sand. I inhaled deeply, tasting and smelling the salt air at the same time. There were only a couple of places that could get me to relax like this. This beach is place where all of us come when we return home. So we started calling it Homeward Beach.

I haven’t told you my name yet have I? I’m Tiffany Katherine McCoy, but everyone calls me Tk. My friends and I had come to greet my twin brother Alan. It had been over a month since I’d last seen him and I could barely contain my excitement. This was the way I always was when one of us left or came back.
The four of us Alan, Krystal, Natalie, and I have been best friends since we were born. We all have a somewhat peculiar hobby. When things get dull in our world we travel to another one. Did you ever think that there could be another world completely different from your own? No? Well this might cause you to raise an eyebrow or two, there are, and lots of them. A special magic mirror allows us to travel to any world we’ve been before with a single thought. Of course if you’re not thinking of any particular place when you look into it, then you’re thrust into a random one which will probably be quite different from your own. Anyway all four of us have been on hundreds of adventures. Thanks to that, we know a lot about things we wouldn’t know about otherwise, technology is an example. (I understand that sort of thing a lot better than any of the others does)
Since we only have two mirrors not everyone can go adventuring at the same time by themselves. I’m the only one who can travel between the dimensions without one, and I can take or send anyone I wish. It’s a gift I was born with and I’m not trying to sound big headed mind you.

I suppose I should tell you a little bit about my friends and myself before Alan gets back. Before I begin I need to tell you this. All of us are Icarians or half Icarian in Natalie’s case. Never heard of us have you? Well to be honest we look a lot like humans except for a few exceptions. The first one you’d notice is that we have wings; wings that look exactly like those on angels. With a thought on our part our wings we can call (as we refer to the action) or make our wings vanish.
Sometimes but not always, our hair and eye color can tell you that we’re not humans. Blue, lavender, pink, green, silver, and white, are some of stranger Icarian hair colors. Our hair and eye color is somewhat random. It doesn’t really matter what the parents look like. It’s common for a child to grow up and end up looking nothing like the parents at all. The same goes for the mystics as well.

Unlike the other races Icarians never grow old. As long as we don’t get ourselves killed we will live forever. We also learn extremely quickly and have a natural affinity for magic. However, we can fly without our wings. Sometimes though our wings make the other races a little nervous. So at times we just make them disappear at will. They will simply vanish into thin air until we call on them again. There are a few things we can’t do as well without them. Flying is one of these things.

Natalie is half Mystic. Mystics are a cat like race in our world. All Mystics have long furry ears. Since Natalie is only half-mystic her ears are long like an elf’s but without fur. Mystics also have a tail that can be, but almost never is, used like a third hand. All Mystics have an excellent sense of hearing and smell. They can also jump to incredible height. Yes, more cat traits but Mystics hate being referred to cats in any way. Like we Icarians, the Mystics do not grow old either, and have a knack for magic. They can also fly with lots of practice. Most dislike cities and prefer to live in the forest. That’s a little strange, as the race doesn’t keep to themselves. They mingle with all the other goodly races.

*edit* posted the story three times! How on earth could I have missed that? Thanks for pointing it out RevRuby!

[ 10-18-2002, 01:48 PM: Message edited by: Redblueflare ]

[RevRuby]

please edit this thread, you posted the story three times! also the line "Blue, lavender, pink, green, silver, white, and silver" repeats silver. other than that good. i like it

[/)eathKiller]

heh... it certainly is magical i'll admit it... but for some reason I see this folling in line with more of "the hobbit" than "Lord of the rings" but the Hobbit was good too! Then again it's only just begun! and with a magical mirror like that, one could go anywhere! [img]tongue.gif[/img] And For some odd Reason, Tiffany Katharine McCoy seems like a long name for a main character, but then again I dont suppose you could get longer than "Kaio" in Halcyon Otaku X1 : Masakari Kushari Kaio-dan Minakivandohanivini-chan

[Redblueflare]

Originally posted by RevRuby: please edit this thread, you posted the story three times! also the line "Blue, lavender, pink, green, silver, white, and silver" repeats silver. other than that good. i like it

You sure because I don't remember, and I am not kidding either. Uh thanks...Maybe it was the same topic, but it couldn't have been the same thread! So there! J/K

[ 10-18-2002, 12:09 AM: Message edited by: Redblueflare ]

[RevRuby]

i meant you're original post on the thread, if you copied and pasted the story then you pasted it three times. that's all

[Redblueflare]

Originally posted by /)eathKiller: heh... it certainly is magical i'll admit it... but for some reason I see this folling in line with more of "the hobbit" than "Lord of the rings" but the Hobbit was good too! Then again it's only just begun! and with a magical mirror like that, one could go anywhere! [img]tongue.gif[/img] And For some odd Reason, Tiffany Katharine McCoy seems like a long name for a main character, but then again I dont suppose you could get longer than "Kaio" in Halcyon Otaku X1 : Masakari Kushari Kaio-dan Minakivandohanivini-chan

Their father was eccentric lol. How many fantasy characters do you know of that are named Tiffany and Alan for goodness sakes? LOL! That's why everyone calls her TK. [img]tongue.gif[/img] Hey that was the point of the mirror! [img]smile.gif[/img] and what a long name that was... but then again *you* did make it up!

[Mellagar]

An interesting intro, with lots of descriptions, and since you have asked for opinion I shall give it. I'm not sure if you just had a moment of inspiration or if your planning on writing professionally or whatever the case may be. I've spent the better part of 7 years perfeting my own style and I'm still working on it...heh. After three 300 page rough draft stories, if you don't become a decent writer at least you'll be a fast typer. Anyhow, here's my input.

Personally I like to use a mixed form, which involves a little poetic flow. You use several details that work fine, but here's some opinionated (that word looks like onionated) ideas.

Ex: "To the left of me the beach went on and on."
This is fine, but let's add some spunk to it.
"To my left an endless white beach, stretching beyond the horizon."
Maybe its sounds worse but its just one idea.

Also, in my opinion, some sentences can be added together to form one complete scene and keep a flow.

Ex: "Right in front of me dolphins played in an emerald ocean. The water was crystal clear."
Fit the two together since they deal with the same environment.
"Before me, in the emerald shine of crystalline waters, silver dolphins
played."

These are just a few notions but as I said the intro is good. Possibly this isn't what you were looking for in responses, but I hope it gave some ideas.

[Redblueflare]

Originally posted by Mellagar: An interesting intro, with lots of descriptions, and since you have asked for opinion I shall give it. I'm not sure if you just had a moment of inspiration or if your planning on writing professionally or whatever the case may be. I've spent the better part of 7 years perfeting my own style and I'm still working on it...heh. After three 300 page rough draft stories, if you don't become a decent writer at least you'll be a fast typer. Anyhow, here's my input.

No not really, i'm not looking to be an author but I would like to finish *this* one and get it published someday. I'm actually looking to make videogames lol... I've already typed 19 pages of this, and i'm a pretty fast typer, but then you have to go back and make corrections, and such. It slows you down quite a bit now and then.

Originally posted by Mellagar: Personally I like to use a mixed form, which involves a little poetic flow. You use several details that work fine, but here's some opinionated (that word looks like onionated) ideas. Ex: "To the left of me the beach went on and on." This is fine, but let's add some spunk to it. "To my left an endless white beach, stretching beyond the horizon." Maybe its sounds worse but its just one idea. Also, in my opinion, some sentences can be added together to form one complete scene and keep a flow. Ex: "Right in front of me dolphins played in an emerald ocean. The water was crystal clear." Fit the two together since they deal with the same environment. "Before me, in the emerald shine of crystalline waters, silver dolphins played." These are just a few notions but as I said the intro is good. Possibly this isn't what you were looking for in responses, but I hope it gave some ideas.

*Makes changes* No your first example doesn't sound worse at all, it actually sounds better to me. I try to keep things flowing as smoothly as possible when I describe something, so a little help doesn't hurt! Thanks! [img]smile.gif[/img]

[Redblueflare]

This is the second installment. [img]tongue.gif[/img] If you have any opinions or suggestions please tell me about them by any means necessary. [img]smile.gif[/img]
Krystal is a little unique considering that she is a princess. First of all she hates being referred to as princess and doesn’t think she’s any different than the rest of us. She also has a gentle aura about her that makes you relax and want to be friends with her. She’s very outspoken too. The only time she doesn’t speak her mind is when it’s something that would hurt someone’s feelings. She’s a very kind person always putting the feelings and desires of others ahead of her own and yes even those she isn’t fond of. Krystal is the peacekeeper in our group. She’s always the first one to break up any fighting and the person that we all go to for advice.
Krystal is very pretty. She has long blonde hair that cascades down her back She has green eyes that glitter like emeralds. Her eyes burn with an inner fire, and can make anyone squirm under their piercing gaze. I’m taking a guess here, but I suppose Krystal stands about 5’10 or so.

Natalie is a bit of a wildfire. She’s very blunt and sarcastic, saying what she wants when she wants to say it. Sometimes it’s difficult for us her best friends to know if she’s being serious or joking. She can be impatient at times, is somewhat mischievous and always seems to be giggling about something. She enjoys tickling, making fun, and just annoying Alan a little too much though. Alan knows that she’s joking but she can go too far. She simply hates how Alan constantly walks away from fights, and insists that he needs to stick up from himself. Most of the time she takes it upon herself to beat down those who harass him for no particular reason, even if Alan asks her to let it be. Since she’s quite adept with magic, fighting his battles is easy for her. She is reckless and rarely ever thinks before jumping into a fight What’s funny is that when she has to be, Natalie can be the sweetest most sensible person you’ve ever met. She has a big heart she just needs to show it a lot more. All of us will turn nineteen sometime this year, but Natlie is the oldest. She’ll be 19 in exactly three weeks from today.
You might find this a little hard to believe, but Alan and Natalie are well… dating. Although Natalie can get on Alan’s nerves, (more often than not actually) the two of them have been together for four years now. Natalie would readily admit that to anyone. Alan used to be a lot more shy but he’s not so much anymore. I still don’t understand how he puts up with Natalie’s teasing. He handles all that pretty well though; I guess he is the only one that understands Natalie all the time. The two of them are very much in love it seems.

All right, here is someone I understand a little better, my brother Alan. Alan is the sort of person who can’t sit in one place too long. He always has to be doing something. When things get dull he will find something else to do.
Lots of people have a hard time appreciating his skill, and are constantly challenging him to sword fights. Alan considers duels meaningless and walks away, much to his challenger’s anger and disappointment. Now if someone were in trouble it would be a different story. Alan would be right there to help regardless of how dangerous the situation was. He’s a man of his word, if he has made a promise he must keep it no matter what. He is a little naïve and too trusting for his own good.
You’d think with that sixth sense of his he’d be a little bit more careful. Alan can feel danger and where it is. If there is a trap or ambush up ahead he’ll feel it. If there is trouble approaching while we’re asleep he’ll simply wake up and warn everyone. His sense isn’t perfect however. If someone sneaks up on us and Alan hasn’t met him or her before, he’ll know that someone’s coming, but can’t tell whom that someone is. He also can’t tell what that person is up to.
Alan has short black hair; he is a little over 5’9. He’s the shortest one of us and also the youngest. He was born on New Years five minutes after me. Alan’s eyes are very unique. They glow, and brightly enough to be seen in broad daylight. The color of his eyes shift depending on his emotions. When Alan is angry they will be red, when he’s sad they will be blue and so on. Only a few people understand that color code. He inherited those eyes from our mother and no one is completely sure why they glow that way. As you’d expect his eyes have gotten him more than a few stares.

Well I suppose that leaves me. I’ve always thought it was my job as the five-minute-older twin to make sure Alan stays out of trouble. I’m a lot more patient than Alan is. I don’t go seeking adventure on the first boring day. I don’t lose my temper very often either. It takes a lot to make me angry. I’m usually the one that comes up with ideas when we’re in a tough situation. Unlike Alan I like to have a plan before I start doing something. I’ve already told you I have a knack for machines and I know a little about alchemy too. Natalie is always saying I know a lot but I don’t think so. Everyone insists that I’m an excellent cook too and that I’m too modest. I really don’t know what else to say.
I have long silver hair, (Long hair is common around the Icarians) and large hazel eyes. Like the other girls I’m around 5’10 too.