Post Jokes Here

[Pain-Wrath]

Here's a pretty good one...
"Whad the Potato Chips say to the Battery?"
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I'm Frito-Lay if you're everready." (I know, funny at the time I heard it..Wait!, I've got another! )
Here's one about the space shuttle blowing up ...with the teacher aboard.
Ah, I'm not gonna tell this one...unless no one minds.

[This message has been edited by Pain-Wrath (edited 06-25-2001).]

[This message has been edited by Pain-Wrath (edited 06-25-2001).]

[Sigmar]

One day three hunters decide to go deer hunting in the woods. The three of them spot a deer and shoot it at the exact same time, all three bullets make contact. The three hunters start thinking of ways to decide who gets the deer. After getting rid of the good ideas one of the hunters suggests something,
"Why dont we decide by telling each other what our favourite football teams are and we get the bits of the body the names are attached to,"the other two were a bit puzzled by this but decided to go along with it anyway.
"Ok my favourite team is Liverpool,"That hunter got the liver.
"Mine's Hearts" said another one and reluctantly he got the heart.
"I dont want anything,"said the last.
"Why not?" said one of the others, "which team do you support?"
"Arsenal,"


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"So why should I worship you Tiax?"
"Well Sigmar, I am Tiax the chosen one of Cyric, destined to ascend, I shall rule all!"
"Do you know you have a duck on your head?"
"Duck what duck......ahhhhhhhh!"

Tiax, warmaster of clan HADB

[Staralfur]

WARNING - This post contains some really bad jokes.(They're bad enough to help me win several games of pool)

These next 3 need to be said in quick succession - and don't think about them too much
How do you put an elephant in the fridge?

2. Open the door.
3. Put the elephant in.
4. Close the door.

How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?

2. Open the door.
3. Take the elephant out.
4. Put the giraffe in.
5. Close the door.

The elephant races the giraffe, who wins?
The elephant - the giraffe is still in the fridge


Next 3 go together:
How do you catch a red elephant?
In a red elephant trap

How do you catch a green elephant?
Paint it red, then use a red elephant trap

How do you catch a purple elephant?
Duhhh!!!!! When have you ever seen a purple elephant


What have a plum and an elephant got in common?
They're both purple, except for the elephant.

1 More......
What's green and got wheels?
Grass... I lied about the wheels.


[This message has been edited by Staralfur (edited 06-25-2001).]

[This message has been edited by Staralfur (edited 06-25-2001).]

[sylent]

I know some of you might have heard this one before, because I got it off a movie, but I thought it was pretty funny... if a little dirty

What is the difference between your job and your wife?
Your job still sucks after ten years!

Anyway... as I said

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"Watch your back"

[AngelofDeath]

Not exactly a joke, but funny IMHO, non the less Click Here

[Drake]

Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven ate nine. LOL

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Drake A.K.A. bocaj

Deep Thoughts By Jack Handy

~Before criticizing people, walk a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticize them, you will be a mile away and have their shoes.

~If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.

~If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

~To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

~The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

~If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.

~Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

~To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

~I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

~Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and so is mankind.

~If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying Forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

~It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

~If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.

~As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

~I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

~I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.

~Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.

~Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.

~During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."

~When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.

~Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.

~Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?

~Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.

~For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?

~I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary.

~If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!"

~Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head." Normally you would think that "Fly Head" would mean a person who has beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people might actually think that.

~I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."

~The smart man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe, but the stupid man will find some seaweed and roll around until he's all covered in it and go, 'Hey! I'm vine man!'

~Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.

~At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be 'Clark Kent, Dentist,' because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said: How's my back tooth? and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said: Oh it's okay, then the patient would probably say: Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid? and you'd say: Aw &*$# you, get outta here, and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.

~How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.


~I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.

~I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. 'You don't have to tell me,' I said. 'I'm off the team, aren't I?' 'Well,' said Coach 'you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform
you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times.' It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can old. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

~I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then, at the very end, there's a page that you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid.

~I think a good product would be 'Baby Duck Hat.' It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off!

~I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.

~If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

~Instead of having 'answers' on a math test, they should just call them 'impressions', and if you got a different 'impression', so what, can't we all be brothers?

~Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

~Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think: Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that.

~Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

~When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, hmmm, boy.


Moni



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[MILAMBER]

I love Jack Handy! Thanks for the post Moni, there were some there that I hadn't seen.

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"The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his."
-General George Patton (1885-1945)

Member of CLAN HADB

You're Welcome Milamber!


Here is something that just arrived in my e-mail:

If you love something, set it free

If it comes back, it was and always will be yours

If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with

If it just sits in your living room and
- messes up your stuff
- eats your food
- uses your telephone
- takes your money
- and never behaves as if you actually set
it free in the first place

you either married it or gave birth to it!


Moni




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[RudeDawg]

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it the "other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.

DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSAIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?

KEN STARR
I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the President of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law.
For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he co-operates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed. (We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers.)

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook-and Internet
Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?

GEORGE W. BUSH
I don't think I should have to answer that question.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

THE BIBLE
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road" And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?

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The RudeDawg, known in these Forgotten Realms as Perin LightEyes
"Let them come, Let them ALL come."
-"Ender says, 'The enemy is down.' "