A problem (friendship vs. morals)

[Moridin]

I have a very difficult moral problem

There is a girl, that I work with, that has become quite a good friend and has helped me get through some of the difficult times I have experienced lately.

She has a boyfriend that she has been seeing for 3 years and recently moved in with. He is quite a bit older than she is and has a child from a previous marriage. She has told me numerous times that she is with him a little for love and a little just to be with someone.

Well today she told me that she 'likes' another guy in the department and is 'asking' around if he has a girlfriend. This is more than idle interest, as she has said that if he is single then she would like to go out with him. I reminded her that she had a bf, and that she should not be out 'shopping' around while she is with him. She replied by saying, well if the other guy has a gf then there is no problem, she will not approach him.

I tried to tell her that that is not the point, what would she do if he is single? I tried to tell her that if she is just with her current bf until another 'better' guy comes around then she should just leave her bf now and then 'look' for a better guy. She has said she has no problem with 'looking' for another guy while with her current bf!

My problem is this: Should I tell her current bf (whom I have met a couple of times, and think is a pretty good guy), if she starts seeing someone else even if it will most certainly cost me my freindship with her?
I feel like deep down I should tell him b/c he does not deserve to be hurt, but on the other hand should I just keep out of it, as it is not really my business?
And do I really want to be friends with someone that would do this to another person?

------------------


Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and it annoys the pig
I've got to admit it's getting better, it's getting better all the time

[Mouse]

Originally posted by Moridin: My problem is this: Should I tell her current bf (whom I have met a couple of times, and think is a pretty good guy), if she starts seeing someone else even if it will most certainly cost me my freindship with her? I feel like deep down I should tell him b/c he does not deserve to be hurt, but on the other hand should I just keep out of it, as it is not really my business? And do I really want to be friends with someone that would do this to another person?

Hmmm difficult, but my responses would be:-

1) Should I tell her current bf? - No

2) Do I really want to be friends with someone that would do this to another person? Your call.

I think it basically boils down to making a choice that will impact on yourself only as in 2) as opposed to taking action that will affect others apart from yourself. Before you contemplate doing anything about 1) you had better be 100% sure you are doing the right thing, for the right reasons after carefully weighing up all the available facts and be prepared for any and all consequences....


------------------
Regards



Mouse

[This message has been edited by Mouse (edited 08-27-2001).]

[Sazerac]

Originally posted by Moridin: I have a very difficult moral problem My problem is this: Should I tell her current bf (whom I have met a couple of times, and think is a pretty good guy), if she starts seeing someone else even if it will most certainly cost me my freindship with her? I feel like deep down I should tell him b/c he does not deserve to be hurt, but on the other hand should I just keep out of it, as it is not really my business? And do I really want to be friends with someone that would do this to another person?

1) Nope...taking a page from "Dear Abby" here, MYOB. He'll find out soon enough, or he already knows. It's worse if someone thinks it's public knowledge...that's the ultimate shame of the "cuckold."

2) I would seriously re-evaluate my friendship with this other person. Although I can't judge from what you've relayed here, it looks like she's stringing this poor fellow along for all she can get out of him. It's up to you, but I wouldn't trust her further than I could toss an elephant.

Cheers,


------------------

1. No, don't say a word. This is in the work place so thats doubles my no.

2. She has helped you in the past you say ? Hmmm. I think that you have already given the best shot for good advise that I can see. Mybe try to say it again in different words... Good luck!

------------------

[Father Bronze]

I agree with Conan.

Maybe my own personal feelings enter here, but I wouldn't be too hasty to assume that she is slimy or insensitive for "shopping around." It sounds to me like insecurity. It's too bad that this friend of yours who is so helpful doesn't have the self-esteem to recognize that she is a valuable person, worth waiting for. It's a shame that many people sell themselves short so that they can just "be with someone."

[Larry_OHF]

There is nothing more that I can add to this, so I will just say that the advise that has hithertofore been mentioned is good advise.

------------------

Devoted member of the Ironworks
Loyal guardian of the OHF
Member of the Ancients' club
Faith beset in The Rocks
(they show the way, you know...)

[250]

Yorick, convert her!


actually, I will tell her that I don't have a gf currently, so lets go baby... errr, uhhh

nope

if she can treat her boyfriend like dirt, who knows what can she do to other people? anyway, i would wonder why is she doing that? what does she really want? can she find a better solution to her problem?

[WOLFGIR]

Man, that is one trouble allright.. Well I think that well, you have to make the call here.

1. I wouldn´t. Keep in contact with him, earn him as a friend instead of her if he seems like a nice dude. But don´t get involved. Only in fiction do they let the messenger go home unchallenged..

2. I would well, not her closer to me, since well, people like her are not in league with my heart and not in the way people I like to call friends. Cool heaarted, pleasure surfing chickens.. But, well don´t whack her donw either. As long as you don´t know Why she is doing it, it´s hard to judge eh? So play it cool. State your mind of it and see what happens.

Well, if I were you I would only read the above with one eye cause it is colored of my past and migth not even be close to how you arre/feel. Just my 10 cents her mate! Good luck.

------------------

Be vevvy qwiet..I´m hunting wabbits...
Wolfgirs lair
once-upon-a-paper

[250]

Originally posted by WOLFGIR: Man, that is one trouble allright.. Well I think that well, you have to make the call here. 1. I wouldn´t. Keep in contact with him, earn him as a friend instead of her if he seems like a nice dude. But don´t get involved. Only in fiction do they let the messenger go home unchallenged.. 2. I would well, not her closer to me, since well, people like her are not in league with my heart and not in the way people I like to call friends. Cool heaarted, pleasure surfing chickens.. But, well don´t whack her donw either. As long as you don´t know Why she is doing it, it´s hard to judge eh? So play it cool. State your mind of it and see what happens. Well, if I were you I would only read the above with one eye cause it is colored of my past and migth not even be close to how you arre/feel. Just my 10 cents her mate! Good luck.

hey, since when did you become so wise?
HOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWL

[Cloudbringer]

Moridin,

Some very good points have been made here. I definitely agree that telling anyone about her behavior is not the right answer. I agree that it would hurt the bf more to not only know about her, but to have others aware of it too.

As for your relationship with her, that's really something you need to think about. If she's a good friend you may want to continue to be a friend but make clear you don't approve of her behavior. If not, you may decide you don't like what you see and sever the friendship.

Infidelity (either in marriage or a committed bf/gf relationship) is one of my biggest bugaboos... have been on the 'left for another' end of things and I can say it's not pleasant. I never understood your friend's philosophy of be with anyone just to say you have someone and shop around while you are.

I sure hope it works out for you, workplace friendships are tricky ones at best!

Cloudy


------------------


Raindancer of the Laughing Hyenas Clan
Storm-Queen
StormCloud of the Black Knight: Heart Mind Soul Forever
"To sleep, perchance to dream..."