The story I am writing...

[Lioness]

As you may know, I am writing a story with IW characters. It is getting too long to post, so if you are interested in reading it, plz give me your email address. Here's Chapter 1, as well as a few excerpts...


Chapter 1
The door was flung open in a rush of air. Lightning flashed upon the dark threshold, where a short, stout figure stood.
"Cloud -hic- Angel! Where's my ale?" his booming voice rang throughout the pub.
A small, brown-haired woman tossed her head and glared at the man who had addressed her. She was half-elven, and it was noticeable through her slightly pointed ears, and petite body. Her eyes were a soft hazel, set above a small exquisite nose, and sweet pink lips. Her 5'3" frame was delicately curved, and she wore a simple, but pretty gown of dark plum. She now turned to the dwarf that had called her and sighed.
"Neb, you've had six pints of ale already," Cloudy said, glaring at him.
"Haven't!" the wild-haired dwarf yelled. "That was -hic- only my fifth-hic-or fourth…" He collapsed into a chair, the many chains around his neck rattling. His hair, beard, and eyes were black, and his shoulders were nearly as broad as he was tall. He wore chain-mail armor, and carried a gleaming warhammer.
Cloudy IceAngel glanced carelessly at the sleeping dwarf and turned back to the customer in front of her. He was a tall human, with wavy dark hair, and cold blue eyes. His bared forearms were muscular and led to broad shoulders under a strong jaw. He wore a dark blue tunic, and brown pants with black leather boots. His arm casually rested on the hilt of a two-handed sword that gleamed with a magical aura. Although he did not lift it, his pose gave a warning to any who dared to interrupt.
Cloudy turned to him with a charming smile. "I'm sorry for the distraction Azure. What were you saying?"
Azure Wolfe smiled nonchalantly and drawled, "'Tis all right Cloudy. That fool doesn't have enough sense to keep himself sober. I was telling you about the time I took on three ogres in a pit ring. A mage as well, one of them was. I circled him slowly, and one of them tried to get behind me, but…"
As Azure boasted loudly, across the pub a pair sat, whispering quietly. One was a young elven girl, about 13 or 14. She was tall for an elf, at 5'5", and her long, silky copper hair flowed over daintily pointed ears. Her mouth and nose were finely shaped, under dark brows and a creamy complexion. She wore an emerald green waitresses gown, and tied back her long hair with a ribbon. Her blue-green eyes were now focused on the tall man addressing Cloudy, and she frowned.
"What's the matter Sharra?" her companion asked. He was a slim elf, probably just an inch taller than Sharra herself. At around 14, there were just the faintest traces of hair on his face. The hair on his head was a curly brown, and his eyes were like milk chocolate. The nimble hands that stuck out of his tunic were tanned, like his face, and he wore patched breeches and worn brown boots.
His name was Cody Sepiro, and his usually cheery face now looked worried over Sharra's unusual silence. He had known her all his life, since they were small children, and Cloudy, Sharra's aunt, had taken him in. He never knew where his parents were, or if they were dead. At least Sharra knew what had happened to her mother and father, he thought, glancing at her enviously. Then he realized she was answering him, and was shaken out of his reverie.
"…it's that man, Azure. He seems so…insincere, but he's got Aunt completely under his spell. I suppose I'm just being paranoid, but it doesn't seem right."
Cody glanced over at the handsome figure leaning comfortably over the bar. He certainly seemed quite pompous, and self-confident. If Shield saw any man, especially this good-looking one, leaning that close to Cloudy, well, heads would roll! Lord Shield and Lady Cloudy were Sharra's aunt and uncle, and the owners of the Ironworks Tavern, where he now sat. Lord Shield was rarely present in the bar, usually wrapped up in his spells, but when seen in public, he had eyes only for his lovely wife.
"Don't worry, Sharra. It looks to me like Cloudy's got him charmed, not the other way around. If I were that bloke, though, I'd watch out for Lord Shield. He doesn't like to see anyone so comfortable around Cloudy," Cody said with a grin.
"Uncle's working on a new spell, so he's not likely to come out tonight. But I suppose you're right," Sharra agreed.
As Cody and Sharra resumed their normal conversation, the tavern door was thrust open again. A tall, elegantly dressed young man strode in. He was half-elven, with dark brown hair, and icy sky blue eyes. He wore a royal blue tunic under a midnight-blue cape. His black breeches were of an expensive material, and his boots looked recently shined. He looked just 16 years old, but carried himself like a lord. His steely eyes traveled coldly over the patrons of the pub, and came to rest on Sharra. His eyebrows lifted slightly, and he paused, waiting.
Sharra glanced up and caught his eye. Sighing, she stood up and walked over to him.
"Is there anything I can help you with?" she said, exasperated.
The newcomer didn't answer for a moment, then smiling, almost condescendingly, at the pretty elf in front of him, he replied, "Just a glass of wine, lass, and perhaps you'd care to talk with me a bit." He smiled again and strolled over to a table in the corner.
Kazara, Sharra's friend, and the other waitress, raised her delicate eyebrows at Sharra. She was elven, and very smart as well as pretty. She had thick, curly brown hair, and a thin, but rosy face. At 15, though just 5 feet tall, she was able to handle any rough customers in the tavern. Sharra rolled her eyes back at her, and Kaz, as she was called, laughed silently. Sharra poured wine into a crystal glass, and with an apologetic look at Cody, glided over to the handsome young man in the corner.
Sharra set the glass of wine on the table, and watched as the blue-eyed teen sipped it slowly. Glancing up at her with a smirking smile, he said, "Sit down, girl, I don't bite, you know. My name is Jerome. Who are you?"
Sharra glared at him, but took a seat across the small table. "My name is Sharra. Cloudy, my aunt, runs this tavern with Lord Shield, her husband. I am a waitress, and I am not here for your enjoyment! Understood?"
Jerome grinned at her, his cold eyes gleaming. "How do you know you're not, fire-hair?"
Sharra's eyes narrowed on the impudent figure in front of her. As he didn't respond, but continued to smile, she stormily got up, and walked outside. Jerome watched her go, still grinning, before turning back to his wine. As Sharra stormed out, Azure Wolfe's steely eyes focused on her for a moment, then turned to Jerome. Glancing up, Jerome caught his gaze and gave a barely perceptible nod.
Sharra shivered and leaned against the cold stone wall of the tavern. The storm had died away, and the night was clear and cold. As she stared up at the full moon that hung above the trees' dark silhouettes, her mind wandered back to that evening's events. Why? she thought. Why did he make me lose my temper like that? It's not like he's the first person to ask me to talk with them They were all annoying, that's for sure, but I never just…exploded like that! Why did he get to me? It's just…there's something about him. That self-assured air, oh, I could kill him! Sharra shook her head to clear her thoughts, and tried to calm down. Taking a deep breath, she turned back under the Ironworks Tavern sign, and walked back inside.
When Sharra reentered the pub, Jerome was gone. Kaz told her he had asked to be shown to his room shortly after she had left, and had given her about three times as much money as the room cost. Sharra shrugged and tried to look indifferent, but inside she was nervous and troubled. She suddenly didn't want to talk to Kaz or Cody, or anybody. After telling Cloudy, who was still talking to Azure, that she was tired, Sharra went up to her room on the third floor, and tried to fall asleep. Memories fluttered around in her head like birds trying to escape. Her thoughts wandered back to that fateful day eight years ago…


From Chapter 3:

Upstairs, Sharra tossed and turned in her sleep, as she relived her parents death over and over. Her blankets became tangled and sweaty, and tears streaked down her white face. Rolling over, she awoke with a start. She had sensed something in the room, something dark and sinister...she glanced at the door, but it remained shut. Wary, she lay back down and tried to sleep. Suddenly, a gauntleted hand was clapped over her mouth, muffling her screams. She felt a shocking sensation in her head, and the last thing she remembered was a burning at the back of her brain.

From Chapter 5:

At first Cody thought no one was in there. Then he heard soft footsteps, and the door swung open. Lord Shield stood framed in the doorway. He glanced curiously at Cody, almost as though he didn't recognize him. Cody was about to speak when Shield spoke.
"Cody! Come on in, dear boy, come on in." He turned and beckoned for Cody to follow him. They were in a large, circular room, which Cody thought was strange, for there were no rounded features that showed on the outside of the building. Lord Shield seated himself in a tall, velvet-backed armchair. Cody went to seat himself on a small couch, but was quickly stopped by Lord Shield. "I don't think you want to sit on that one," he said with a wink. Carefully he pulled a small pebble from a pocket of his purple robe, and tossed it onto the sofa. The pebble landed and bounced sky high, clanging off the domed ceiling, and clattering around the room. Cody ducked as it came whizzing over his head. Lord Shield chuckled, and murmured something to make the stone come flying back to his hand.
"'It comes in handy for dealing with pesky visitors." Lord Shield chuckled. "One of my more useful spells. But now, you must have had a reason for coming. Have a seat on that chair there."

From Chapter 6:

They were imps, about two feet tall each. Both were thin and rather disproportionate, having pointed ears nearly a quarter of their height. and long gangly legs under tiny, round bodies. Both were a faint lavender, with traces of blue, and each had one red and one green eye.
"This is Zany," and Lord Shield gestured to one, "And this is Konfuzed," and he gestured to the other one.
"Zany and Konfuzed?" Cody said, chuckling.
The tall one, who Cody guessed was Konfuzed, piped up in a shrill voice. "No! Konfuzed and Zany! Konfuzed and Zany!" He glared angrily at Cody.
The other one gave a loud sniff, and it appeared to be crying, much as it shocked Cody that this grotesque creature could cry. "Konfuzed and Zany, Konfuzed and Zany...no Zany and Konfuzed, Konfuzed and Zany..."
Cody looked disbelievingly at Lord Shield, who rolled his eyes and smiled. "They're more useful than they look. Don't worry Cody, you three will get along just fine."
"I'm sure we will," Cody murmured to himself.
"You will depart tomorrow at dawn, Cody. You must first head North, for that is where Azure Wolfe was last rumored to be living. I can put you on Sharra's trail with a spell tomorrow. For now, go eat something, and then get some rest. Tomorrow will be a difficult day."
Cody nodded, and with a last glance back into the mysterious room, he saw Konfuzed biting Zany's long ears, and Zany tickling Konfuzed's belly, and Lord Shield staring thoughtfully out the window on the rectangular wall of his study. Strange, I could have sworn it was a round room before, he thought, but when he turned to speak to Lord Shield, he found the door shut in his face. Shrugging, Cody headed downstairs for lunch.

From Chapter 7:

"Well, Reeka," the man said, "It seems as though our young friend has awoken. You must have quite a headache girl."
Sharra glared at him, and was about to speak when he interrupted.
"Yes, a nice little spell I picked up, knocks the victim out right away and adds a little sensation for extra effect." He smiled, flashing pearly white teeth at Sharra.
"Leave her alone, Rikard," The woman, Reeka, said. "Let her ask questions. Father told you not to tease her. Go ahead, girl, what do you want to know?"
Sharra looked slightly confused, there was so much she couldn't remember. The first question that popped into her mind was, "Who are you?"
Reeka let out a clear, tinkling laugh. "Where are my manners? I'm Reeka...well, just Reeka, cleric, healer, spy, and...information gatherer for the Master."
"Information gatherer, Reeka?" the mage said with raised eyebrows and a grin. "Very well, if that's what you call it. I'm Rikard T'Aranxz, mage, sorcerer, wizard, whichever you choose, as well as Magical Advisor for the Master. And you are?"
"You know very well who I am, or you wouldn't be kidnapping me! Why are you, and who is the master?"
"I think you'll find out both soon enough." Reeka said. "Don't worry your pretty head about it, all will be explained in time-"

Feedback is welcome. [img]smile.gif[/img]

It's a wonderful piece Lioness, great work. I honestly can't think of anything you could do to improve it [img]smile.gif[/img]

[Melusine]

Well, actually, the descriptions in the beginning strangly remind me of um... adult stories. Really not trying to be mean, Lioness, but they really do... sowwy [img]smile.gif[/img]

[Jerome]

quote:

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Originally posted by Melusine:
Well, actually, the descriptions in the beginning strangly remind me of um... adult stories. Really not trying to be mean, Lioness, but they really do... sowwy [img]smile.gif[/img]

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LOL.

I've already told you what I think, dear Furry Hips. [img]smile.gif[/img]

[Aelia Jusa]

quote:

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Originally posted by Arledrian:
It's a wonderful piece Lioness, great work. I honestly can't think of anything you could do to improve it [img]smile.gif[/img]

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Well I can think of one thing. Add me ! I want to be a harlot

[Barb]

I suppose I'm not in it am I.

[SSJ4Sephiroth]

very nice as always Lioness! hmm, sending me on a rescue mission eh? okay, as long as i dont kill Zany and Konfuzed...

[Jerome]

quote:

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Originally posted by Aelia Jusa:


Well I can think of one thing. Add me ! I want to be a harlot

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Will Pink be making an apperance too?

[Jerome]

quote:

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Originally posted by SSJ4Sephiroth:
very nice as always Lioness! hmm, sending me on a rescue mission eh? okay, as long as i dont kill Zany and Konfuzed...

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Who would want to kill Zany and Konfuzed?

[Legolas]

It's looking very good, but there are two things I would like to say here:

First off, maybe you could weave the descriptions of the characters into the text, to keep the story flowing smoothly, and avoid too much focus on the looks. The characters will appear more real, as the reade rcan slowly build the character and collect data instead of getting a full description once. Don't wait too long with giving the descriptions though, as I remember reading a story and imagining the main character to have blond hair. Halfway through the adventure it turned out it was brown, and I was a bit dissapointed by that simply vbecause the character wasn't the one in my head.
The trick to giving a good description is to guide the reader, while making him/her think he/she makes up the character in his/her head without your help.

Of course, if your writing style won't allow it without too much effort from your side, don't do it. The story is fine as it is, and it will always be better if you enjoy writing it instead of forcing yourself to write another chapter this way or that.


The second thing is, I never found myself in the tale. Not me, not Salogel [img]graemlins/dropatear.gif[/img] [img]tongue.gif[/img] [img]smile.gif[/img] Am I already in it or do I have to apply for a job [img]tongue.gif[/img]